Ok to schedule activites on others time

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Registered: 03-10-2006
Ok to schedule activites on others time
8
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:17pm
Is it okay to schedule activites on the other parents time? If a recital interferes with a family vacation/functions what should come first?
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Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:32pm

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:44pm

It is not ok to schedule activities on the other parents' time without discussing it first. I always told ex this is what this involves - what nights, any weekend time, etc and did he want DS to be involved. If the answer was no, well then he didn't do it.

As far as recitals and vacations - both are generally planned far enough in advance that they shouldn't have to interfere. It is the planning parent's responsibility to let the other parent know as far enough in advance when planning a vacation, or something for the child to participate in.

If I can do this with my ex, anyone can - we barely speak. Email is a wonderful thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:29pm

Is it okay? NO!! Will it get done anyway.....YES.

I used to get livid when BM did this, she doesn't THAT much anymore. She used to sign SS up for baseball league (even after SO would say NO) which had practice during the week but all the games were on Saturdays. Well guess what BM worked Saturdays so SO would end up having to go each and every Saturday, pick SS from BM's house take him to whatever park they would play at and then wait for her to get off work to drop him off at her place again. SS wasn't even into playing, this was more BM's idea to ruin our weekends.

Now its a little less frustrating . For example this weekend we have a child's birthday party to attend and its OUR weekend with SS. But the lady told him that her Mom is picking him up Friday for the weekend because they are having a BBQ. Oh an SS told SO this last night. It wasn't like BM called and asked SO this in advance. Another example, Thanksgiving weekend. We had plans to be alone and "adult like". You know maybe go to a club or just out of town. DD was out of town with her BF and SS was with his BM, well BM decided that she had too many things to do and dropped him off unannounced at our doorstep Saturday morning and left. She drove by saw our cars parked and decided we were home.

There will always be people who think that because they had a child with that other person they have every right to "push" their plans, schedules, appointments on anyone. Afterall the other will always think that it is in the child's best interest. It's not the child'd failt. We will always suffer for being the levelheaded ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:44pm

Signing up a kid for the other parent's time is a difficult thing to approach. When the kid wants to take dance or play on a team, the practices/classes are EVERY WEEK. In our agreement, these sort of things are spelled out, that the "cusodial parent" has to bring the child(ren) to these things on their weekends.

Dr. appointments, hair appts, and personal playdates and such? NOPE, I would never schedule on his EOW or Wed nights. He doesn't "schedule" things, so it doesn't matter.

As for birthday parties that the kids get invited to... their friends don't know or care who's weekend it is, so we have "agreed" to make every effort for him to get them to their weekend functions that they want to go to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:25pm

My philosophy is......

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:42pm
No, you shouldn't schedule stuff during the other parents' time. Sure, things like recitals and the likes are different in they can't be rescheduled usually, but you usually know ahead of time what's going on and can discuss that. We've been faced time and time again with her telling DH at pick up "well, he's invited to this birthday party tomorrow and he really wants to go" (he's 2, he has no clue that a party is going on or not, trust me)...DH has given in 3 times to birthday party requests or something similar...when it comes DH's time to ask her for a special day and he asks well in advance (like his parents from 8 hours away were coming into town) she said "NO, we're not switching...he doesn't need to see them." Rest assured from now on if she wants him at a birthday party for a "daycare friend" or something she better start with saying "I was hoping we could switch weekends," because DH is done giving in to her requests like that. More so...she knows DH's weekly visit day is Wednesday...she works a very flexible part-time job (one or two nights a week) and half the time she schedules to work on Tuesday/Thursday instead of Wednesdays when she's already free...and then she wants us to switch days. It's not because she's planning to spend time with SS Wednesday, it's that her mom is free to watch him Wednesday, but not Thursday. Here's an idea...DH can have him BOTH evenings...but no, that would be too much, right?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:30pm

I think this is an issue that has the potential to cause much trouble if not handled correctly. A good handling of it and a poor handling of it have happened in my family recently.

It is my opinion that BOTH parents need to discuss and agree on recurring activities such as a music lesson or sports team that will occur on a regular basis BEFORE even discussing it with the child or promising the child. If you get a child all excited about doing something that the other parent isn't willing to do, you have a mad/sad child.

Our child spends alternating weeks with each parent. She wanted to be in a school choir that meets one day/wk before school. Both parents knew she wanted to do this, were supportive, and willing to get her to school early that morning. Good result, happy child. She's also in girl scouts with activities occasionally on a weekend. If it's on his weekend, I tell him about it and if it fits with his schedule, she goes. She has missed a few things.

Dad likes for DD to do lots of sports activities. She's a tomboy. But I think he signs her up for too much and needs more downtime, so we disagree on occasion on this subject. He got her all excited about a tennis lesson on Sunday afternoons and she had a new racquet and shoes and all signed up for it for 8 weeks before I heard word one about it. I didn't particularly want to do this, give up my Sunday afternoon all fall. But I didn't want to look like the mean mommy who said no. So, on the two Sundays where we had plans on my week, she missed the lesson. Her dad was furious, but what does he expect?
He's free to schedule these things, I'm free to choose otherwise.

If a birthday party invite comes to my house for a date on his time, I send it over/tell him about it and he can choose whether it fits in his plans. He's pretty good about doing this also.