parenting differences for a teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
parenting differences for a teen
54
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 1:33pm

I am a SM of a 15 year old boy. His parents have joint custody but he lives with BM. I have been in the picture for the last 11 years.

The relationship between us and BM is civil, but we have always had serious differences in how we handle almost everything. However, we keep our feelings to ourselves because we have found that we really have no say in what happens or does not happen when he is not with us. This is something we have come to terms with.
My problem, is that now that he's in high school, his BM seems to think that his popularity and his relationship with the new girlfriend are top priorities. We see her making decisions that could be VERY harmful to my SS.

For example...she was recently bragging to us about a party that SS was invited to by one of the senior football players. She was so excited that he was going to go to this after Homecoming party and "knew" that there wasn't going to be drinking involved because "he's an athlete."

Clearly, she is not in touch with reality. She doesn't know the senior, didn't talk with the parents, and only based her assumption about no alcohol on the idea that the kid plays football. Like I said earlier, BD and I are aware that we can't control what happens in her house. So, we talked with him about drinking and our expectations, and trusted that he would make good decisions.

Turns out we were right. He found out there was going to be drinking at the party and decided he didn't want to go. I don't know if BM was disappointed about that or what...but she decided instead...TO LET THE GIRLFRIEND SLEEPOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They slept in the SAME ROOM with my SS on the floor right next to the bed the girlfriend was sleeping in. And, of course, she's just sure they would never try any "funny business."

Really?? So, my DH doesn't want to talk to her about it. He told his son not to mention it to any of our family (because they would freak out) and has let it go.

At what point does a BM's decision get to be so bad that we actually do have a "say" in what happens in her house!!??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 1:49pm

At what point does a BM's decision get to be so bad that we actually do have a "say" in what happens in her house!!??



When she is breaking the law. Until then...you dont. And frankly I'm not really convienced that this BM is bad at all.



As for the drinking..obviously the 15 year old dint know there would be drinking there at first either. You said he found out later then decided not to go. How this is suddenly a stellar example of the BM's failure as a mother I'm, not sure.



As for the gf sleeping over. Maybe the door was left open, maybe the mum was checking on them.



Maybe the 15 year old respects his mums rules about not fooling around. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders from the above info.



It seems like the BM trusts her son and you and the BD think he is gonna screw up at a seconds notice.



I dont see tond of Bad BM flags here.



              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:01pm

I know he has a good head on his shoulders, and I don't think he's going to screw up at a moment's notice. But I was a teenager and I teach teenagers all day long, and I think that keeping them out of potentially difficult or dangerous situations as often as possible is always better then throwing them in the fire to see if they jump out on their own.

If he lived with us, he would never be allowed to go to a party without us talking to the parents in advance, and he would never ever be able to have his girlfriend sleepover (this goes against everything we believe in).

In my opinion the rules don't change as kids get older... we keep our little ones away from guns because they are dangerous. We don't let them run around a room full of them and trust that they won't touch. I understand that life will present situations that cannot be avoided. I have a problem when BM allows him to be involved in these situations when they are completely avoidable.

And, her bad mom status doesn't come from this situation...it stems from 11 years of hurt and pain that this woman has caused everyone around her, to the point of death, literally.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:19pm

In my opinion the rules don't change as kids get older...



Really?



They need to.



If your expecting a 15 year old to adhere to the same rules as thier 5 year old sibling then your expecting trouble. Why? B/c a 15 year old isnt a 5 year old.



Now there are basic moral concepts that can be followed no matter the age, such as treating everyone with respect and such.



              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:24pm

Well I do trust my parenting, but I'm not the one parenting him. I don't trust BM's parenting.

And I couldn't disagree with you more. At 15, they are kids, not adults. Physically and mentally, teens are not as developed as they will be in just five years....this is a scientific fact.

When he is 18 and away from home he will make his own rules. Until then, any kid in my house will have rules to follow. Teens have options. There are safe, morally responsible forms of entertainment. Always.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:26pm

And, her bad mom status doesn't come from this situation...it stems from 11 years of hurt and pain that this woman has caused everyone around her, to the point of death, literally.>>>

Then why does she have custody.

As far as the party goes, the kids made a decision not to go. So he sounds pretty good. Re the Gf ya, not in my home either but since it is happening, I would be having a big man talk with him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:28pm

"If he lived with us, he would never be allowed to go to a party without us talking to the parents in advance, and he would never ever be able to have his girlfriend sleepover (this goes against everything we believe in)."

Oh, the famous word's of the "other household"...especially from NCPs. (speaking as one)

You don't know how well you would raise him "if he lived with you" compared to BM until you've done it with that child in his/your particular circumstances, to include BM as NCP. You just don't know how well you think you could "protect" him because you a.) don't have experience with it yet and b.) BM is still a variable in the equation impeding your ability to have full control over child to protect him as you see fit.

And what is this "death, literally" stuff? Cue dramatic effect or are you going to fill us in giving us all the information upfront before we respond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:37pm

"In my opinion the rules don't change as kids get older..."



Huh? I'm raising a 13yr old, 10yr old, and 3yr old.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:39pm

<<>>

Yeah, really. I'm dying (pun intended, LOL) to know who BM has killed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 3:01pm

And, her bad mom status doesn't come from this situation...it stems from 11 years of hurt and pain that this woman has caused everyone around her, to the point of death, literally.>>>

Then why does she have custody>>>

Because they don't take custody away from someone just because their name shows up in one of their ex husband's suicide notes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 3:06pm

"In my opinion the rules don't change as kids get older..."

please take the time to read my explanation of this statement before you attack me and take it literally.

What I mean by this, and what I clearly explained, is that we should try to keep out teens as safe as possible just like we do with our little ones. We try to keep our little ones out of danger when we can and I think we should do this through their teen years. Rule being, keep them out of harm's way, if at all possible. This doesn't change as they get older.

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