Replaceable

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Replaceable
50
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:20am

Not really true although fabricated from true story...if that makes sense.

THE SITUATION:

Man and woman have no children. They decide to marry and raise children together. The desire to raise children together, a particular way, is a large part of their reason to get married. They both agree that raising a child in an intact home is of primary importance to them. They agree to not only support the children but to support each other as they raise the children. Share driving to school. Split the time-off work when one a child is sick. Etc. They are now P1 and P2.

In a short time, P1 decides to end partnership w/P2 and start one another person (SP1). P1 moves long distance and, therefore, can no longer be a support to P2. P1/SP1 have a child and raise that child as if she's an only child (from another post) most of the time. Certainly, that child does not have to split xmas or summers. P1/SP1 are providing an intact home for their child.

P1 has EO Xmas, EO Thanksgiving, 6 weeks of summer custody visits w/first child.

P2 meets SP2. (Let's say that SP2 is perfect. Loves kid in every way.) SP2 wants to adopt P2's child. P2 wants to raise this child the way P1 promised P2 that child would be raised. In other words, P2 wants provide an intact family for child, the way P1 is providing an "intact" home for child w/SP1. P2 doesn't want child having to split xmas, thanksgiving between 2 homes.

THE DEBATE ISSUE:

P2 asks P1 to give up his rights so that SP2 can adopt. Child is 3.

Is P2 wrong for asking P1 to give up rights?

Would P1 be selfish for giving up his rights? Selfish for not giving up rights?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:45am
As long as the OP wants to be involved then yea it is wrong for the parent to expect the OP to sign over their rights. BM tried to get DH to sign over his rights so OM could adopt them lol. Not sure what she was on or drinking when she asked him to do that lol.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2010
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:49am

Is P2 wrong for asking P1 to give up rights?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:13am

Why?

Why should the first child be denied the intact home that P1 is providing for the second child?

True. But having done the selfish thing, why should the child suffer? P1 has rearranged life to be to his/her own liking, making no sacrifices for child 1.

Why should the child have to travel long distance? Why should the child have to leave home to visit every other xmas? The child could avoid that if SP2 adopts.

Why should P2 want to live life like that when P2 can give child the intact family home that P1 had promised?

The child is only 3. The parent is completely replaceable IF someone is willing to step in completely.

It happens all the time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:16am

unfortunately, I think you are right. Parents get replaced all the time when children are young, even the legal parent through tactics like parental alienation.

If the LCNCP is still involved, I think he/she should take the request for SP to adopt to the court house and file for a mod in custody. Any parent that would respond with a stepparent adoption to a LD move obviously is not one who seeks the child's best interest and more than likely is trying to alienate the affections of the child for the other parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:30am

If the important thing is that the child be brought up in an intact home without splitting holidays etc is P2 willing to let child go to live with P1 on a permanent basis and give up all holidays? Surely this would achieve the same thing (no splitting of holidays or travelling) for the child? If they can be expected to replace P1 with an SP couldn't they just as easily replace P2?

Can SP2 only support P2 in being a parent (share driving and take time off work) if they've adopted child? Surely SP2 can do these things anyway? I know that doesn't solve the Holiday splitting but the only way to do that is for one parent to give up all rights to child.

Since it seems that P2 is the one for whom an intact upbringing is more important than the actual parents, maybe they should be the one to give up the rights to their child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:46am

<<<

The child is only 3. The parent is completely replaceable IF someone is willing to step in completely.

It happens all the time. >>>

Right. But finding a replacement part parent does not guarantee that the child will be raised in an intact family. Second marriages/relationships break up with even greater frequency then first families.

I believe that decisions made as a parental/married unit only survive the relationship. Once the relationship is destroyed, it really doesn't matter what you planned together for your shared children. It's time to make plan B.

brc

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:17pm

Right. I am not one to trust the "replacement parent" philosophy myself. In truth, I think it sounds good in theory (loving someone's kid just like your own), I've just not seen a lot of it in practice.

And your also right about the risk. I'm just saying that "in theory", the child could have a loving, intact home instead of being pulled between 2 homes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:23pm

Agreed.



IME, asking a parent to TPR so your new spouse can adopt is evidence of a strong desire to alienate the child from the parent, and the courts DON'T LIKE IT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:23pm

I think it's difficult to replace an involved parent, even if the parent is LD.

Waste of money. The court isn't going to take the child away simply because one parent asked. There is no evidence that the parent actually stopped the parent from seeing the child or vice versa.

So perhaps the judge should take custody away from the LD parent because any parent who moves LD is obviously not seeking the child's best interest.

Could it be that separation produces a bit of alienation? Staying close to a 3 year old in a LD relationship is very difficult. I remember my 4 year old used to put the phone down on the floor so daddy could watch cartoons w/her. If I wasn't there to pick it up again, he wouldn't have been able to talk to her at all between visits.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: focusedon2
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:27pm

Why should P2 agree to that? It's P1 who broke the arrangement that they agreed to when they had children.

Besides, if you really think that's a viable answer, then it's just as much a viable answer for P1 to give up custody. And since P1 is the one who left and now is raising another child, P1 should really not expect to take the first child with him/her.

Actually, the posts says that raising a child in an intact home was extremely important to both parents.

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