SM's Role? What is overstepping?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
SM's Role? What is overstepping?
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:29pm

What is overstepping?

In my situation, it would be SD calling me mommy, my imposing my thoughts on what goes on at BM's house on BM (that's what DH is for), spanking her, undermining BM's authority in her own home and passing myself off as SD's mom. Stepping onto any time that is not our parenting time without DH would also not be ok.

What I don't think is overstepping:

Imposing and enforcing our house rules (DH & I set these jointly, but whoever catches bad behavior calls the time out, gives the reminder or takes away the toy)

Assigning chores (this amounts to pick up your toys or your clothes)

Reading stories, giving baths, making meals, riding bikes, coloring or playing cars (etc). DH does these things too, but we sometimes trade off.

Spending small amounts of time independently with SD. DH occasionally has to run to meetings, help his mom with something or run to the store. Our Thanksgiving plans got completely screwed up because DH had to work at the last minute, and I ended up taking SD to his family's gathering and he joined us (much) later. SD was looking forward to seeing them and they to seeing her and we couldn't dissapoint any of them. At times, I'm off to run errands and she wants to come too so I take her for an hour or 2.

I am always the goddess of the potty. Always.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:26pm

I remember this topic from another board & it caused a war! I hope that this board can keep it as a debate because I think it's worth discussing.

BM thinks that I have been overstepping since day 1. Whatever. She doesn't define my role so her opinion doesn't matter to me. Maybe to the skids, but not to me.

I think that overstepping would be whatever my SKIDS or DH don't want me to do. I punish, I reward, I spend independent time (heck all of my skid time since August has been DH-less thanks to the Army), I handle medical insurance issues (BM stinks at those kinds of details), pay BM for any of DH's share of expenses, etc.

Basically, I am their mother when they are here. Period. No real limits except in relation to BM. I don't say that I am their mother, although they've introduced me as their mom. I go to all of their events that I can. I work with BM on discipline issues & help her out with school problems. I help sell for fundraisers.

So for me, no limits. That works for us. Heck, I am even teaching OSD to drive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:21am

I don't think it's much of a war now ... maybe we already discussed it to death on the other board.

Anyway I will answer for my situation - I don't know what I could do to overstep boundaries with BM since she flat out doesn't care! SS lives with DH and I ft and BM doesn't care to be involved with his daily life, so DH and I take care of everything - I am a SAHM currently so it's usually me dealing with ss's school, doctors, etc.(with DH's approval) There aren't really boundaries in my house either but it's because of a noncaring BM. If she was more involved, I wouldn't be as much.

Now on the other hand, she has crossed MY boundaries many times (for example, read my post in the irksome parenting thread!) But then, she and I are worlds apart with our parenting ideals(I actively parent, she doesn't)