SS manipulation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2012
SS manipulation?
54
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 6:47pm

I know this isn't a support board, but I know that you ladies won't hold back... so give it to me... What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2012
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 4:35pm

Can I ask you a question?

Are you a SM? Have you ever been?

I think that as long as you haven't, you can't really understand any form of the situation because you haven't been there. (With all due respect of course... not trying to be smug or anything.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 5:00pm

What happens when he behaves in this way, is there a consequence? Does he lose a privledge or have to do something to make up for his misbehavior?

I wonder if he lashes out at you because he knows that he can count on you to still be there for him and to love him? Maybe he is somehow hoping to hear you say that you will be there no matter what, you won't give up on him, you won't disappear like BM did for a while.

Its not uncommon for any parent to love but not like their kids sometimes, especially during the teen years when they can turn into people that you feel like you don't know them or where they came from. You're feeling the sting of his actions more because he praises BM but know that kids sometimes treat their BPs like that too. Is he a little angel at BMs or does he act out there too? The fact that he behaves nicely in public is good, be happy for that.

It will be hard but he may need to hear "I love you and care about you too much to let you behave like this, to let you treat me like this". And dad needs to be on board with that too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 6:59pm

Yup.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 9:29am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 12:13pm
No. I'm not anti-SM. Nor do I go around bashing SMs. And as a BM, I have a fabulous co-parenting relationship with Ex, and we share two really great kids.

I am anti- stepPARENTS trying to take over for active parents.

In THIS case, there is a kid who is hurt and lashing out. The last thing he needs is an adult with an "I don't like him or want him around" attitude.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 1:01pm

and NOWHERE in her post did she say that she goes around with this attitude, she OBVIOUSLY had cared DEEPLY for him, but he is making it VERY hard for her now, which is no fault butthe bms

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 1:25pm
LOL, there is not enough information to blame the BM in this situation. Nor is it effective. Sometimes kids are brats. Most of the time they act out with the ones they are most comfortable with. She doesn't want the kid around...that's not loving the child. Loving the child would be doing what's necessary to get the child through a difficult time.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 2:28pm

ha ha ha, ok, so he was a wonderful child, then BM came around and after his visits he's not, thats enough to blame BM...and "Loving the child would be doing what's necessary to get the child through a difficult time." is BS BM talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 3:40pm
I'm sure the situation of BM coming back into the picture is a driving factor of the issues the child is having. That doesn't mean all blame falls on BM. It's quite possible there's simply confusion and loyalty issues for the child. It's possible dad and/or SM is not handling the changes appropriately. It's possible the kid is just being a typical pre-teen (pre-teens generally suck).

My comment re loving the child through a difficult time is actually PARENT talk. Loving a child is generally what gets you through the difficult times and prompts one to do what is needed for the child.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 3:54pm

You can be supportive and caring, with out loving a child, and she WAS doing so, and this child was MAJORLY well adjusted; and I think that if the mother stayed out of the picture that this child would have ALOT less confusion in his life (which a pre-teen can do with out) and wouldn't be acting up, so therefore it IS the BMs fault. BM shouldn't be so greedy, and should have been thinking about what is BEST for this child... And leave him alone. She ALREADY abandoned the child (her fault) and now she is stirring up trouble in this child's life DRAMATICALLY! She shouldn't have ever come back into the situation, when the child is an adult he could have looked for her IF he wanted to