Step-grandparents

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Step-grandparents
4
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 4:32pm

I'm coming at this from a couple of different perspectives, so bear with me :)  While my FIL is remarried, we don't have our kids call his current wife grandma, there are some weird circumstances that make us not comfortable with it.  Althouhg, his previous wife was known as grandma to our kids, we never saw them much and she is out of the picture now.  

On the other hand, my brother is married, his wife has children from her previous marriage.  We consider her kids part of the collective grandchildren group, my parents treat them like the rest of their grandkids.  I haven't heard that there are any issues with that or that anyone is upset that they are called grandma and grandpa.  

BMs, how do you feel about your children getting a new set of grandparents?  Do your parents feel threatened at all?

SMs, how do your parents think of your stepkids?  Do they consider themselves to be their grandparents?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 10:20am

I think part of it is the age at which the marriage happens, if they kids are much younger than its much easier (IMO) to think of them moreso as the bio kids, whereas if they are older sometimes its harder to adjust your thinking. Also, how often they see the grandkids, etc.  There are numerous factors.  My parents do what they can to treat my DSS as a grandchild, but he was 6 when we got married and they rarely see him more than once a year.  As for my FIL/MIL, my ODD was 10 when we married and the same issue, they see her a few times a year, but she was older and both they and her have a hard time thinking of each other as grandparents/grandchild, but my inlaws do do their best to try and treat her the same as they do all their other grandkids.

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Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 12:03pm
I agree that distance makes it more challenging. I do have to say that if his FIL was closer (we've only seen them a couple of times in the past 6 years), I still wouldn't want his new wife to be called Grandma. It's an odd situation though (she's younger than my husband and I!). At least they all try though, that's what's important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sun, 07-07-2013 - 12:47am

I'm in this situation right now. Xh & I've been divorced since '77, we have 3 adult dd's now, all married & 2 have 2 kids each, youngest is expecting her first in about 6 weeks. I've been with my dh since '99, married since '01. The grandkids call him by his given name. Not grandpa, pops or granddad. The x just remarried in Oct of last year. The new mrs x told MY GRANDCHILDREN to call her "grandma" {seems her gkids are calling x grandp} I am not amused at all. We all live within 50 miles of each other. Two oldest dd's don't like their step mom {nor step dad either} oldest granddaughter Miss Lu came & told me about this, she told me she told step grandma no, because she has a grandma Sam & she didn't want to hurt my feelings. So I'm not very happy with the new mrs x. I've given her a nickname I call her "Creula" I don't like her one bit.

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-16-2013 - 4:54pm

Well the age thing must be interesting!  Maybe it would be funny to have the kids call this young woman grandma.  lol

My kids have step GPs (dad's DW) and they call them by their 1st names--they do not consider them GPs at all even though dad's parents are deceased.  Even though my ex had kind of pushed them into being part of their SM's family they don't really feel her large family is their family even though they are nice people (I ahve met them at family events and they are even nice to me).  They do consider SM's DD their sister and her son is their nephew, but of couse they were with her & him a lot.

I also got remarried (now divorced) and my mom always tried to treat my DSD the same as my kids as far as presents for holidays but she didn't call my mom Grandma--my kids would have had a fit.  She had her own grandma on her mom's side.  And my mom didn't consider her to be a grandchild either.  She did make a distinction for big gifts too.  My mom gave my DD a car and helped to pay for her college but she was not going to do that for DSD.  She told me a story about my cousin's DH whose parents are divorced.  His dad got remarried & helped pay for his older stepkids' college then there was no money left to pay for his own son's college.