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|Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:56am|
If a stepparent has a poor relationship with their stepchild, who do you think has primary responsibility for it? The stepparent, the legal parent or the stepchild?
If a stepparent is emotionally unhealthy, emotionally abused the child, does the child have responsibility for "lashing out" at said stepparent for the demise of the relationship?
I'm really concerned about the ideas being populated in my daughter's head with her SM. Apparently, SM and ODD are trying to improve their relationship (good thing, she has another five years of dealing with her as a minor) but what is troubling me is my daughter passionately states she is also responsible for the demise of their relationship "because I take out my anger on her". It sounds an awful lot like my daughter has been emotionally worked over to internalize the failings of the adult who has been emotionally abusing her for years. SM admits very little wrongdoing but because she rarely does, my ODD gives her entirely TOO MUCH CREDIT for it and accepts more responsibility for a poor relationship with SM than I think she owns. SM goes on to tell her how she has to "get online and get help to become a better stepmother"...which on the surface is WONDERFUL news but then I'm watching my child cry over this gesture by her SM, I think so happy she recognizes she isn't doing a great job in her role that ODD clings to anything said by SM and trips over herself (something I recognize I do with people too, which is why I find this a huge red flag) taking on more of the responsibility for a failed relationship with this woman.
I realize at 13, my daughter owns her parts played in a poor relationship with her SM and I told her as much. But I am concerned about the small gestures and clever manipulations of my ODD's huge heart...with the water works, the "I know you love your Mom buts....", the blame game onto a child and the like.
Who is responsible? Am I just being an overprotective mother or is there some foundation for my fears? How would you counsel a daughter crying about it and blaming herself?
She seems overly sympathetic to SM, like SM is a victim of everyone else but herself, with only a mention here or there where she *might* have some responsibility. I don't view that as really owning your part, as an ADULT, in it but really communicating the child has to fix it. And it's obvious to me that's what my daughter feels she needs to do...she loves her SM because she's "family". And I agree with her but the emotional manipulation that is going on really concerns me.