Stepmom or "Live-in Honey"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Stepmom or "Live-in Honey"
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:04pm

I noticed a post in which someone called their Ex's SO a live-in honey. When does this "live-in honey" start to be considered a stepmom?

I am a Bio mom as well as a stepmom, I am not married to SO but have lived with him for years. I never thought I needed to be married to be a true stepmom. I definately never thought of myself as a "live-in honey" I consider SO my DD's stepdad and so does she.

As far as EX husband goes, if he was ever to get truly serious with anyone, not necessarily marry, but move-in etc, That person would be considered to be DD stepmom. To date, Ex has only had 2 serious GF. But even then I treat and respect them as Ex's partner and a possible stepmom to DD. I am courteous, communicative and to date had never had any altercations with any. I dont think of them as as any form of "honeys". Both Ex and I agreed a long time ago to not bring in people into our DD life who we didn't think would be in it for the long run.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:22pm

I think the real problem with calling someone "live-in-honey" is it sounds a bit derogatory IMVHO. Some people just don't want to get married, especially after having been through a divorce, that doesn't necessarily lessen their status and/or commitment to the kids/skids.

Having said that, I am the marrying type. So I actually didn't consider myself a full on SM until DH and I were actually married (even though we did live together for a little while before we got engaged).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:51pm
I agree that it can be a matter of insecurity. When DH and I were engaged BM was mad that I was spending "too much time" around and that SS "thought was at the house overnight because was there when he went to bed and there in the morning"...but never before he woke up...I wasn't getting up to go over by 6am! Per CO I wasn't allowed to stay overnight when SS was there overnight and I never did. She had her attorney send a letter to DH stating that his GIRLFRIEND (me) needed to spend less time at the house and leave earlier in the evenings so SS knew I wasn't staying the night there (very effective letter...more like a waste of money) even though I was his fiance (and 2 weeks from getting married) at the time. Plus we know that SS never "thought" I was there overnight before we got married...we know he knows now because every morning he asks "Where's K?"


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-1998
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:57pm

I think that's a really derogatory way to refer to a partner. xDF and I never got married (thank god) but I still considered myself my SD's SM, and she considered me that way too.

"To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men." 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:58pm

well, "live-in honey" is pretty offensive, stepmom or not.

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:02pm

I agree.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 11:44am

I'd never refer to my kids' SM as a live-in honey, but I do tend to think that she will be a temporary fixture in the kids' lives. It has NOTHING to do with her, but rather with my ex's habit of changing women frequently.

I was wife #3 and the only one he had children with. Wife #4 was a woman he met while we were married; they were on and off for the 2 years after we split, married on a cruise this past February and apparently split up before the cruise was over. The kids never knew that they got married. Wife #5 has been around less than 9 months (I don't know when ex and SM met). I think she's a smart woman so it's not going to take her long until she figures out what ex is about (he's verbally and emotionally abusive).

During the downtimes between his marriages, there were at least EIGHT women that my ex introduced to the kids because the relationship was "serious." I have NEVER said anything to the kids about their dad's revolving door of relationships, but even they have made comments about not expecting SM to stick around.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:36pm

Can you call yourself a 'live-in honey'?? lol. i always tell SO when we introduce each other to people boyfriend/girlfriend sounds kinda silly for 40 somethings, and me a grandma. I think we'll just start saying this is my live-in honey!!

i am sure i am referred to by a lot worse names when BM is talking about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:55pm

I know what you mean, lol. My Ex and I lived together for 8 yrs. It was funny calling him my boyfriend after living together longer than most peoples marriages had survived. Seemed it deserved a 'higher status' than boyfriend.

With the occurrence of couples living together and choosing not to marry, or to postpone marriage, I think society needs a new label. Post-boyfriend, Pre-fiancee/spouse, that denotes a 'living together' status.

boyfriend/husband- boyband? haha. Husfriend?
girlfriend/wife - girlife? haha. Wifriend?

This is my boyband, so-and-so. (no longer a need to add "we live together" to the end!)

That still denotes teen dating with the boy- and girl-..

partner?.. sounds like a homosexual couple and then you'd have to denote the heterosexual component...

manfriend and womanfriend?
pre-wife and pre-husband?
Introduction of the 'living together boyfriend' and the 'exhusband':
" Hi Fred, this is my pre-husband Bob. Bob, this is my Post-husband Fred. "

Just being light hearted, no intent to make light of anyones relationship status.

Edited 12/9/2006 6:57 pm ET by xyro

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:44am

I guess it depends on the context. I'm not familiar with the post you refer to, but I would say it is derogatory if the relationship is established. But if the ex has a habit of keeping a revolving door on his bedroom, the title may be deserved.

I was a firm believer in marriage until my second one failed. I don't think I even want to live with anyone ever again - it seems that the actual moving in part is where I screw up. (I dated both husbands over three years.) But I'll be damned if I will ever be anyone's "live-in honey". Honey, I ain't!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:14pm

I see a lot of bitterness in a BM calling her ex's new girlfriend the "live in honey." Although that IS better than what I was called. I'm not sure I can adequately communicate this in writing....

You have to SPIT as you say it and frown as if someone just placed a cat turd directly under your nose...Got it? Ok, frown, spit and say "rich girlfriend" all at the same time. It helps if you can use a 50 year smoker's gravelly voice too.

I bought a house 5 months before we married that is our house. DH moved in the house when I did, so we did live together 5 months prior to the wedding. OK, get ready - SPIT, FROWN, SPEAK: "rich LIVE IN girlfriend"

And by the way - I am no where near rich. It's just that I have a job.