To Tell or Not To Tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
To Tell or Not To Tell
144
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 5:28am

This is a co-worker's sitch.

BM and BD split years ago. BD has EOW & holidays. There are 2 children of the marriage DS11 and DD9. SM and BD have DS4. BD is a devoted father who has an excellent relationship with his children.

BD has an alcohol problem. He's not a violent drunk, he's a depressed drunk. Almost nobody is aware of the problem because he's not stumbling, falling down or belligerent, he has just developed an addiction and gets shaky if he doesn't drink every day. The only people who really know are BD and SM. I know them both and had no clue until SM told me. Even then I had a hard time believing it but I guess she would know. He's tried to stop on his own several times but has failed to stay sober for more than a couple of weeks at a time. He has decided to enter an alcohol treatment facility for a month.

BD and SM are adamant that BM cannot be made aware of the situation since she would use it against him. BD and BM have fought over the children from day 1. BM frequently refuses access at the last minute over trivial things. They have a CO but BM has violated it several times. In recent weeks she's refused because of an infected fingernail and another time for the funeral of a mother of BM's co-worker, a person the children never even met. BD has taken her to court for breach of the orders in the past but the process is expensive and takes months. The judge slaps BMs hand and the cycle starts again. BM tried to stop father from seeing children altogether earlier this year because she found out he was taking high blood pressure medication and on reduced work week for high blood pressure. She argued that if he couldn't work then he couldn't properly care for the children. BD took her to court and he won. Access was reinstated.

BD and SM plan to keep it secret from By by making an excuse to BM for one of the weekends he will miss access and for SM to pick up the children as normal (she has a good relationship with the children)the other weekend so they can spend time with half-sibling and see dad for a full day when he gets a pass out of the facility.

If BD believes there is any risk that BM would find out he will not enter the treatment facility. He knows he needs help but he is not willing to risk losing his children to get it.

Debate: Should BM be told about the alcoholism and that BD is entering a treatment facility?






Edited 9/30/2010 5:49 am ET by belintu

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 5:46am

My take on it is mixed.

As BM I think it would definitely be my business and that I should be made aware of the situation.

OTOH, the important thing is that the guy get treatment and if BM knowing means he wouldn't get treatment then the lesser of 2 evils is for him to go and not tell her.

I also wonder if they'll really be able to keep it a secret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 6:19am

If I were the BM, I would likely be angry not to be told.

However.

If I were the BD, when I checked into the alcohol treatment center, I would do so under an assumed name (even if that meant no insurance coverage) to prevent the records finding their way to court and used against me.

It's absolutely a double standard of behavior. I'm cool with that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 6:22am

If DS11 twigs to it, BM is gonna know. Don't even suggest "well, they'll just tell DS not to say anything." I really wouldn't care about the seeking treatment, but the minute you suggest that my kid keep secrets or lie to me? Then I'm on the warpath.

And if there is ROFR in the agreement, SM picking up the kids for the weekend will possibly violate it. In which case, BM can take HIM back to have his wrist slapped for contempt--and possibly find out where he was in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 6:24am

"If DS11 twigs to it, BM is gonna know. Don't even suggest "well, they'll just tell DS not to say anything." I really wouldn't care about the seeking treatment, but the minute you suggest that my kid keep secrets or lie to me? Then I'm on the warpath."

That's what I said too. There is no way the kids would keep it a secret. That's why I say I don't think it can really be kept secret at all.

"And if there is ROFR in the agreement, SM picking up the kids for the weekend will possibly violate it. In which case, BM can take HIM back to have his wrist slapped for contempt--and possibly find out where he was in the process."

There isn't a ROFR. I asked about that too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 6:25am
I think I have the same double standard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 8:13am

I pretty much agree with this, with this caveat:



In my sitch, if this were to happen I would be behind BD 100%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 8:29am
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 8:37am

"This. And even if there is no ROFR, SM and dad are wrong for lying... just tell the mother that dad is sick or that something came up... which is also lying, true, but the kids shouldn't be caught in dads and SM's lie and taken from the available parent, no matter how well Sm gets along with the kids... and IF she does tell the kids not to tell mom and they do? If this SM and father think they have problems now, this could make things much more difficult for them when the kid does tell."

I gotta say...this is the thing that bugs me most about this site...the GIANT LEAPS some of the people take.

SM and BD have no intention of telling the kids to keep any secrets and nothing I said indicated that they do yet that doesn't stop those few people, and I've twigged which 4 or so can ALWAYS be counted on to do it, from taking some aspect that they made up and running with it if it lets them condemn an unknown SM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 8:48am

I gotta say...this is the thing that bugs me most about this site...the GIANT LEAPS some of the people take.



There was no leap... the word "IF" was used and used in the appropriate manner ... IF they do tell the kid... not saying they will, not saying they won't.



SM and BD have no intention of telling the kids to keep any secrets and nothing I said indicated that they do yet that doesn't stop those few people, and I've twigged which 4 or so can ALWAYS be counted on to do it, from taking some aspect that they made up and running with it if it lets them condemn an unknown SM.



You don't want to debate things, don't put them up... it isn't condemning an unknown SM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 8:52am

"You don't want to debate things, don't put them up..."

But see, that's the thing. I DIDN'T put that up! You made it up out of thin air!

It is NOT debate when you ignore what was said, make up something entirely different and condemn the opponent for the thing that you made up when it bears absolutely no resemblance to any point that they made.






Edited 9/30/2010 8:53 am ET by belintu

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