What is best for the child?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What is best for the child?
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:21pm
My fiance have been through a lot and we both truely live for and love each other.

A year and a half ago when we were in a long distance relationship, he cheated. A child was conceived. We have worked through all the emotions with each other that this did happen.

Well he wanted the mother to have an abortion. She wanted to have the child. When the child was born she told us it was not his child. Then two months later filed with DHS against him for not supporting her. He did the DNA test and it was his. Well in April the mother and my fiance decided to not go through DHS and set up their own visitation.

My fiance struggled with fact he now had a daughter with a women he dispised. He kept going back and forth and what to do. I just stayed silent it was his decision and I was going to support no matter what. Well the mother began sending him inappropiate pics. Then I asked him to go through DHS, well he said dont worry he would handle it. He told me liked that the mother and I were able to talk and there was no drama.

Well he has been away with his job and he asked me to give the mother the check for child support services. So I set up a time to meet with her this past Tuesday. She was late as usual, its understandable with a 4 yr and 10 month old. Well I decided to give blood while I waited. Prob not the best idea since I was light headed the rest of the day.

She arrived asked if we could get icecream. I agreed, though it turned into me purchasing icecream cause she just walked away for the counter. Then we small talked about the baby and she asked if i could help watch her kids while she picked a few things up from hobby lobby. I agreed and she used that oppurtunity to talk about how she felt so abandon during the pregnancy, could not believe we moved in together when she was 5 months pregnant. I decided to tell her that next month will be our fourth anniversary since our first date, and we were in a relationship the entire time they were hooking up. Of course she knows this. I have seen the letters she wrote him before I moved down... About how the baby was sign from god they should be together and he needs to leave the woman in NC. But she hit a nerve so I told her in a plain tone. She wanted to know more about our relationship. I the idiot told her how we met why it took so long for me to move, my family knows about it and we are just happy about to start our next chapter in our life.

So then the good mother she is discussed having threesomes with my fiance in front of her 4yr old. Then went on to tell me she is still sleeping with him and that she thought we had an open relationship. She was so sorry but hopes that her and I could still be friends after I leave my fiance. Out of curiosity I asked how they were able to cheat. She said while he was working at night (he is a cop). She said everytime he works at 9pm they meet up for dinner and then go to a park to have sex. She mention her daughters being there at dinner so I can only assume they are there at the park. Anyways as soon as she said it I knew it was all lies. For one every night between 8:45-9pm is when I have dinner ready for him at our house. That is the only way we see each other everyday is by our dinner dates while he works.

So I just thanked her for telling me and asked her to stop sleeping with. Then she asked me to let her know what happens when I confront him. I was like sure. Then left.

Well the next day she tells me she is coming to where I work (work at a zoo) with the kids. So I ask my fiance can I please tell her that we are already in this for death to us part one of us is going to die at the end. He says please don't you guys are doing so good. Then I had to tell him what she told me. He was so upset that she did that and apoloagized. He told me that we would be going through DHS and that he is cutting all contact with the mother. He said when he looks at his daughter he does not see his daughter just a baby. That he feels nothing towards her. That he feels because he she needs a dad he should be there and pay for her. But perhaps he should just pay support and walk away.

My thing is the child needs a positive role model in her life of a father figure. However the mother is so toxic and selfish I can see her manipulating her daughter when she is older to try to get to the father. She does it with her 4yr old father. She tells that 4yr old all the time that she can have this or that cause her father does not love her enough to pay for it.

Anyways she came to my place of work. I had a chaperone with me when I came to say hi told her I had to much work and could not hang. But she managed to tell anyone who worked here that she was my friend and she was concerned i was being abused by my fiance.

So what is best for the child? Do we suck it up through the crazy and allow the child to know her father? Or do we walk away and just pay support?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 2:54pm
What a very tough situation for you both to be in :smileysad:

The mom sounds pretty wacko, and intent on causing a lot of drama in your life. Regardless of what you decide, you need to document all your interactions with her in case it's needed for future court cases. You should also cut off all contact with the BM and let your fiance handle communications with her. He should also do a lot of it by text or email so you have it in writing. She's a toxic person, and seems intent on causing your harm. There really is no answer that will be a good solution, because either way the child loses out :smileysad: I do think that you need a good lawyer and need to get rules set in place that she needs to follow.