Who defined your role as a SM/Boundaries

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Who defined your role as a SM/Boundaries
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:33am

In our case, the BM wants DH to drop dead. She picked up a new babydaddy at the bar and insisted SD call him daddy and DH by his first name. She told DH, in front of the mediatior, that if it was up to her DH would not be involved at all. We fought a 2 year battle just to have vistiation, so by the time DH was able to do anything about it, it would have been more damaging to have her stop calling the SF daddy. We have a joke about how we should just teach SD to call me mommy so no one will be left out.

I am at the level of a bioparent when it comes to decision making in our home, and I had a seat at the table when we negioated visitation and CS. BM actually defined my role for me. She put her DH on the level of a bioparent (above DH actually), which opened the door for me to define my own role however SH and I wanted to. My SD was 2 when we started having visitation (she's 4 this weekend) so the SP-child role isn't that of "friend."

I know a lot of BMs have major issues with this situation. BM involves SF in decisions about healthcare (over any objections of DH), education (or lack thereof; SD is the only 4 yo I know who isn't in preschool) and disciplinary matters. IMO, unless I'm beating SD or dictating what happens in her house, she has no authority to address what happens in our home

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:54am

I guess I ultimately define my role myself but it's based on a combination of things such as the role that BM allows for SF (I agree, I feel that if SF is allowed a certain position, etc then that sends a message that it's okay for me too), I also base it on what DH feels comfortable with as well as what BM feels comfortable with (DH usually tells me what he feels she might be okay with or he would directly ask her if necessary). And I base it a lot on my own feelings regarding what I personally feel comfortable with. I try to think about what I would want a SM to do if I were the BM and then do what I think is right based on that. I also ask a lot of BM's for advice!

DH discusses a lot of things with me but ultimately I leave decisions up to DH/BM. I have a lot of influence behind the scenes but respect that it's really up to them in the end.

I really have no desire to step in as a Mom. I would like to be close to DH's kids but not in a Mom role per se, I would rather have my own kids for that!

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:25pm
I agree with Mainer.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:36pm

At first my role was entirely dictated by my DH. Everything that I did was derivative of his authority, so I did nothing without his ok.

But it's been six years. The skids and I have a GREAT relationship that is totally independent of my DH. He is even deployed overseas and my skids choose to have me continue visitation with them. BM still resents my involvement. When she makes a stink about stuff, I continue to do what I do, but communicate only through DH. Which slows things down for her. Example - she had a fit that I called a doctor to straighten out a bill that she sent us. DH told her that if she didn't play nice, she'd need to send everything to HIM in Iraq, then he'd send it to me to handle, I'd send it back to Iraq, then he'd send it to her. Meaning that she'd get her money back six months later.

She now works with me directly & nicely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:19pm
It was a combination of everybody involved. I actually knew ss before I knew DH - we were neighbors and our kids used to play night games together. SS and I have always had a great relationship, right from the start. He is a sweet, innocent, really really loving kid. In the beginning I took more of a backseat role out of respect for ss's mom, and the newness of our relationship. I have gradually gotten more involved as I have seen BM all but completely back out of ss's life, and DH really appreciates the help and often asks for my help. In our house it's pretty equal - we both give each other the same authority over each other's kid. I prefer though that DH disciplines when it comes to ss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-1998
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:31pm

When I was a SM, BM tried all the time to define my role, but ultimately it was defined by me and xDF. It was a bit easier for us to do that because xDF was LDNCP and we had SD in the summer for an extended visit. Although she tried hard, it was pretty difficult for BM to define my rold from 2000 miles away. During the school year though, BM absolutely defined how I would interact with SD. Basically she prohibited me from doing so.

"To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men."