Not a homebirth..Ireland's story though

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Not a homebirth..Ireland's story though
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Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:11am

Short version: My beautiful son arrived Sat. November 4th to his blessed yet sad mommy and daddy. He weighed nine pounds and ten ounces at birth, and was twenty one and a quarter inches long. He arrived by c-section...... (kind of emergency I guess) Oh yeah his name is Ireland Benz Miller

Really long version:
Let me just say that I'm posting this on two very different boards and expect very different responses but yet I feel the same about the situation in my heart. No matter how happy I am to have this little man, it has nothing to do with the serious loss I feel for the way he entered this world. I know some people will not really understand me but I feel the need to express myself about his very sad birth story in hope it helps me heal just a little bit.

Most of you who know me knew that I was seriously overdue. We don't and never will know exactly how far along I was but it was at least 43 weeks....maybe a full 44. Last Thursday before he was born I went to the hospital for my second AFI and NST. It wasn't all that bad... my AFI was an 8.3 but my blood pressure was steadily rising. We decided to give it the weekend and most likely induce at the hospital on Monday. Obviously I didn't make it.

On Sat I suddenly became dizzy and then felt like throwing up. I checked my urine and sure enough I was spilling protein... a plus plus out of no where. I called my midwife and headed to the hospital. I knew on the way there that I had lost my homebirth and that I would be giving birth to my son at that hospital and not returning home until I did. When I got there my blood pressure had risen even more and when the nurse checked me the baby was still very high up.... negative three. The doc came in and checked me out. We both were concerned about my babies gestational age, the condition of my placenta, and the stress that the blood pressure could be causing it. We talked about possible bleeding and how important that I not be put in that situation, as I do not accept blood transfusions. In case I was really pre-eclamptic or if I were to go into eclamptic shock an emergency c-section probably/might not do the trick to get the baby out in time for both him and I to live. Apparently, this happens very fast. You can go from just showing signs to full blown shock in thirty minutes. He suggested a c-section right away. I said I really wanted a chance to birth my own child and that I needed some time to think about it. My midwife arrived shortly.

She sat down and we made eye contact. No words were spoken, but we both cried and she held both my hands.I knew what was coming. I basically asked if the doctor was BS-ing me or could it really happen that fast and what were the odds. She assured me he was right about how fast it could happen and explained and that her worries were that I was not favorable for an induction. She said not that an induction wouldn't work at all, but that it would most likely take a long while before the baby would be low enough to come out. We talked about how normally that would be fine, but with my current conditions my body most likely would not handle it well and my blood pressure would take off, sending me into possible shock and putting myself and my baby in danger. These words cut like a knife. I already knew what I had to do but I could not accept it, and still don't.

I had to get all the IV's and junk and wait two hours for another surgery to end. I quietly cried with my mom, my midwife, and my husband during that time. They allowed my husband and midwife to be present for the surgery. I hated every moment of it. I laid there strapped down, unable to move, see, or feel, as some stranger removed my child from my body. He cried right away and they briefly lifted him over the curtain for me to see him. My husband helped rub him and wrap him up, and then he brought him over to my head to see him. I got to touch him for just a second and then they made him leave the room with him. My midwife stayed as they sewed me back up.

I was then taken to recovery and they allowed my husband to bring him to me there. It was probably only twenty minutes or less after he was born. When my husband came in with him I was trying to see if I could remember what he had looked like, but I couldn't. It was a really hard moment for me. And then my husband put him in my arms. The hospital staff hardly touched him from that moment on. I am so in love.

I had to stay two days.... so I was there about 48 full hours. The first 24 where I felt no physical pain and my son nursed well were the best. The second 24 were harder. I hated needing help with everything and feeling so sick. I hated being told what and when I could do something. I hated that I couldn't walk around the hospital with my own son. I hated that I wasn't comfortable and couldn't sleep there. I hated being asked to explain myself as to why I had a c-section and why my son isn't going to have a ped's doc over and over again.

All and all the staff there was great. The nurses were very kind and understanding of my not so traditional ways. The surgical and recovery team made extra allowances for us. Many nurses cried with me and several when I left.

I'm really glad to be home with my very healthy and now breastfeeding again son...(after some short bf problems) There is nothing like becoming a mother. I am enjoying every moment of it. No matter how great it is I am still very very sad about his birth. I don't know when my wounds will heal. My midwife cries with me every day, and we talk about it getting better but I don't know when it will. I am very jealous of women who got to birth their children or even feel labor at all. I feel robbed. I feel like this feeling may not pass until I get a chance to do what I set out to do. Give birth without medical intervention. I know there was nothing I could do about my situation but I still feel like my body failed me.

I'm trying really hard to move on.

I will post some pic's when my husband gets it figured out, until then I may or may not be in the mood to post or check posts, but I hope I am.

Thank you for all the well wishes I have already received and congrats to the women who have had their babies since I have been away.

Sav




Edited 11/8/2006 11:13 am ET by savannahs_blah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:35pm

(((Sav))) I'm sorry.


I hate that life contains some big broken dreams, lost hopes and robbed opportunities.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:05pm

Your body didn't fail you, Savannah.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:56pm

Oh Sav,

First off, congratulations on your baby boy. I'm so happy that here is here and safe and things are going well.

But your story made me cry. I am so sorry you did not get the birth you wanted. I completely understand why you feel the way you do and I wish there were some way to make it all better. I really beieve it is important to greive the loss of the birth you wanted and I'm so glad you have such a wonderful midwife to help you grieve like that. Big (((HUGS))) for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:07pm

Congratulations on your baby boy! You gave him a wonderful name. I'm glad breast feeding is going well. I am SO sorry you couldn't have your home birth or a natural delivery, it must have been so frightening to go through that. C-section was my biggest fear and I just cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. I hope you find the means to heal your heart as you recover from your surgery and move forward in life with your new little boy. I'm wishing you all the best from here on out.

Christine

Avatar for miika4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:06am

((((Sav))))


I'm a lurker here, but lately I've been checking the board every day to see how you were doing, if you had a birth story to share yet, or if you were still waiting for your son to arrive.


I'm really sorry to hear your story, and although I've never had a child myself, I almost feel like I know what you're talking about. I think I would feel the exact same way if I was in your shoes. I hope that your grief will help heal the wounds, and that you will be able to look back to your son's birth someday and the joy of having him in your arms will outweigh the sadness you feel now.


And I just wanted to add that I agree with the OP who said that your body didn't fail you. It grew a baby, a healthy son and you carried him to term. And I don't know if that will make you feel better or not, but at least you know that there was nothing you could have done differently. You will never have that nagging voice in your head saying "what if I hadn't agreed to that induction at 38 weeks, what if I hadn't had the pain meds, what if, what if...". Your section was done exactly for its intended purpose, to save your and your son's life. There are few sections these days where mothers can honestly claim that.


hugs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:30pm

Oh, Sav, I'm so sorry your birth experience wasn't what you'd hoped it would be. It *is* a heavy loss and while I hope you eventually find peace it is good that you're taking the time to grieve.

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

Laura

Laura, mom of five!

Happy home water birther using Hypnobabies http://www.hypnobabies.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:13pm
((((Sav)))) Thank G-d that you and your baby are healthy! Your body did a wonderous miracle bringing your sweet baby to the world, however he made his grand appearance. I know this was a tremendous letdown and your're doing well for yourself to let your feelings come out in full force and grieve what you lost for the birth experience. Trust yourself that you did what you had to do and know that in time you won't feel the grief as powerful as you do now. Delight fully in your beautiful little boy and be good to yourself! Congratulations!!! Can't wait to see pix of Ireland.
Hugs,
Jeanine
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 1:41pm

Congrats on the birth of your son and all the hard work you did getting him here safe. Although it wasn't how you had hoped, you did a wonderful job making educated choices in order to make his journey as safe as possible. I also had a birth that wasn't what I had wanted but the experience is what led me to homebirth and eventually to an entirely different way of parenting and I am thankful for that. Who knows what this experience will provide for you in the future, it may have purpose. It's completely acceptable to be grieving, I just hope to shed a silver lining.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 4:45pm
Congratulations on your little one. I am SO SORRY that you did not get to birth the way you wanted. I didn't get a true homebirth either although did go through labour at home and birthed him vaginally with no meds and feel I sitll had a fairly successful experience, I do have a small sense of the loss and disappointment you are going through. I was so set on a homebirth and hated having to get some help even though I knew I needed it, he was such a big boy with a big head, lol! Even thouugh logically you know you couldn't have done anything different, your emotions still come into play. I dreamed of my baby coming out of me at home, in the birthing pool, with only my husband and midwife around no strangers gawking at me or doing anything I didn't want them to, so I know what a loss it is to have to give that up and have him be born in a hospital, although I have never been through a c/s and hope never to go through one. I know it will get better for you in time, hang in there and talk about it with those who are supportive of you. I know some on other boards would definitely so oh well at least you have a healthy baby, but for those of us who know better, we know that the birth experience does matter to us and we wanted it a certain way for ourselves and for our babies. I pray that your next birth experience is everything you want it to be!
Lots of hugs. Please keep us posted as to how you are all doing.
Beth
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 5:26pm
Sav,
I am crying for you right now, and I only wish it could take a little bit of the pain away for me to do so. I felt the grief you described when they told me I would have to have a c/s and can't imagine what I would have done had it really happened that way. You sound very strong and I think it is very healthy for you to grieve and not hold it in. On the other hand, you have a beautiful baby and congratulations for that! Congrats on being strong enough to make the best decisions for him. You're inspirational.
~Abbey

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