Not a homebirth..Ireland's story though
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|Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:11am|
Short version: My beautiful son arrived Sat. November 4th to his blessed yet sad mommy and daddy. He weighed nine pounds and ten ounces at birth, and was twenty one and a quarter inches long. He arrived by c-section...... (kind of emergency I guess) Oh yeah his name is Ireland Benz Miller
Really long version:
Let me just say that I'm posting this on two very different boards and expect very different responses but yet I feel the same about the situation in my heart. No matter how happy I am to have this little man, it has nothing to do with the serious loss I feel for the way he entered this world. I know some people will not really understand me but I feel the need to express myself about his very sad birth story in hope it helps me heal just a little bit.
Most of you who know me knew that I was seriously overdue. We don't and never will know exactly how far along I was but it was at least 43 weeks....maybe a full 44. Last Thursday before he was born I went to the hospital for my second AFI and NST. It wasn't all that bad... my AFI was an 8.3 but my blood pressure was steadily rising. We decided to give it the weekend and most likely induce at the hospital on Monday. Obviously I didn't make it.
On Sat I suddenly became dizzy and then felt like throwing up. I checked my urine and sure enough I was spilling protein... a plus plus out of no where. I called my midwife and headed to the hospital. I knew on the way there that I had lost my homebirth and that I would be giving birth to my son at that hospital and not returning home until I did. When I got there my blood pressure had risen even more and when the nurse checked me the baby was still very high up.... negative three. The doc came in and checked me out. We both were concerned about my babies gestational age, the condition of my placenta, and the stress that the blood pressure could be causing it. We talked about possible bleeding and how important that I not be put in that situation, as I do not accept blood transfusions. In case I was really pre-eclamptic or if I were to go into eclamptic shock an emergency c-section probably/might not do the trick to get the baby out in time for both him and I to live. Apparently, this happens very fast. You can go from just showing signs to full blown shock in thirty minutes. He suggested a c-section right away. I said I really wanted a chance to birth my own child and that I needed some time to think about it. My midwife arrived shortly.
She sat down and we made eye contact. No words were spoken, but we both cried and she held both my hands.I knew what was coming. I basically asked if the doctor was BS-ing me or could it really happen that fast and what were the odds. She assured me he was right about how fast it could happen and explained and that her worries were that I was not favorable for an induction. She said not that an induction wouldn't work at all, but that it would most likely take a long while before the baby would be low enough to come out. We talked about how normally that would be fine, but with my current conditions my body most likely would not handle it well and my blood pressure would take off, sending me into possible shock and putting myself and my baby in danger. These words cut like a knife. I already knew what I had to do but I could not accept it, and still don't.
I had to get all the IV's and junk and wait two hours for another surgery to end. I quietly cried with my mom, my midwife, and my husband during that time. They allowed my husband and midwife to be present for the surgery. I hated every moment of it. I laid there strapped down, unable to move, see, or feel, as some stranger removed my child from my body. He cried right away and they briefly lifted him over the curtain for me to see him. My husband helped rub him and wrap him up, and then he brought him over to my head to see him. I got to touch him for just a second and then they made him leave the room with him. My midwife stayed as they sewed me back up.
I was then taken to recovery and they allowed my husband to bring him to me there. It was probably only twenty minutes or less after he was born. When my husband came in with him I was trying to see if I could remember what he had looked like, but I couldn't. It was a really hard moment for me. And then my husband put him in my arms. The hospital staff hardly touched him from that moment on. I am so in love.
I had to stay two days.... so I was there about 48 full hours. The first 24 where I felt no physical pain and my son nursed well were the best. The second 24 were harder. I hated needing help with everything and feeling so sick. I hated being told what and when I could do something. I hated that I couldn't walk around the hospital with my own son. I hated that I wasn't comfortable and couldn't sleep there. I hated being asked to explain myself as to why I had a c-section and why my son isn't going to have a ped's doc over and over again.
All and all the staff there was great. The nurses were very kind and understanding of my not so traditional ways. The surgical and recovery team made extra allowances for us. Many nurses cried with me and several when I left.
I'm really glad to be home with my very healthy and now breastfeeding again son...(after some short bf problems) There is nothing like becoming a mother. I am enjoying every moment of it. No matter how great it is I am still very very sad about his birth. I don't know when my wounds will heal. My midwife cries with me every day, and we talk about it getting better but I don't know when it will. I am very jealous of women who got to birth their children or even feel labor at all. I feel robbed. I feel like this feeling may not pass until I get a chance to do what I set out to do. Give birth without medical intervention. I know there was nothing I could do about my situation but I still feel like my body failed me.
I'm trying really hard to move on.
I will post some pic's when my husband gets it figured out, until then I may or may not be in the mood to post or check posts, but I hope I am.
Thank you for all the well wishes I have already received and congrats to the women who have had their babies since I have been away.
Edited 11/8/2006 11:13 am ET by savannahs_blah