am i horrible??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
am i horrible??
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 8:36pm

HEllo, again everyone!! so, i really dont think im horrible. what i did today, what i said-i dont think im horrible. but im way ahead of father-in-law is dying of cancer. he was given 2-6 months about 3-4 months ago. hes been visiting and saying his goodbyes for the last few months. last week, we got word that he is really BAD-he has lost a ton of weight, he sleeps 90% of his day, hes confused, hes bedridden, hes not eating. so we traveled the 2 1/2 hours and visited him today. i refused to take my kids-they are 11 and 7 and they will remember their grandfather like that. i didnt want that. so we took them to a cousins house and went. he DOES look really bad. he is SUPER SKINNY-he looks skeletal. its bad-but tbh-i wasnt totally shocked. its what i was expecting...actually i was half expecting him to just pass on today...each time he fell asleep-i kept checking to make sure he was still breathing. he didnt eat anything all day...and he didnt drink either. anyway, before we left-i was in the living room with him-all alone. i gave him a hug and kiss and told him to take care...then i stepped back and looked at him and said "no, you know what?? if youre tired of fighting and you want to let go-do it. do what you have to do. i can understand if youre tired, if you want to see barbara(his 2nd wife that passed away years ago), if you want to go, do it. your grand babies wont forget you-i wont let them...and all your kids will be okay. i'll be there for randy(my dh), shaun (bil), david(bil); all of them. i love you and i dont want you to go but whenever youre ready-you do what you have to do. ok?" and he nodded his head. i was choked up and shaking like a leaf when i got into the car, but i felt relieved. it was the right thing to say...i will NOT tell my dh or bil or sil...i hope that fil doesnt tell his brother or his brothers girlfriend what i said-but if he be it. i dont think im horrible for saying that...i think my dh might and im pretty sure my bil's would think im you guys??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 11:01am
Not one bit. With my job I deal with death and people on the very edge of death every day. Soemtimes they ONLY time they will let go is once they know that everyone else is okay. I had a patient last week who's grandaughter sat by her bed holding her hand for 20 hours straight. We couldn't get her to eat or sleep. The patient looked so bad we couldn't believe she was still alive. Finally the granddaughter dozed off and within 10 min the patient passed. She just couldn't let her granddaughter see her pass on. What I have learned over the years is that MANY people don't let go until they are ready but I highly doubt that any have let go just because someone told them to. If nothing else, you have HIM what he needed in a time of great suffering. It's just my opinion but I think what you did is wonderful. Also, I would never bring my child to have tha tpicture in their mind that young either.

On a side-note I'm sorry for all the stress/grief going on for your family right now. Prayers to you, DH's family, and your FIL.

Jenn (28) & DH Zach (28)
Married 9/24/2005

Avatar for laur75
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2002
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 2:21pm

I agree with Jenn, you did the right thing.