Did one of your Kids cause your more worry or stress?

Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Did one of your Kids cause your more worry or stress?
10
Fri, 06-06-2014 - 8:51pm

Reading Shirley's post about son #2, & seeing Sabr's response, I wonder if everyone had one child who caused them more worry than the other(s)? Is that one still a concern or did they outgrow that as they became an adult? When you look at them now-what do you think?

Our second daughter seemed very easily upset-I remember Mike asking me if I thought it could be PMS? No, not at the age of 2, I was pretty sure he couldn't blame that-yet. I was always amazed at how, mid-temper, the world could collapse & she would never notice. And yet-to everyone else, she was a blonde blue-eyed angel with an adorable smile. The first time she went to the dentist-Mike took her (the ONLY time he took her)& the dentist said she wasn't hurt or scared-she was mad & he'd only ever seen one other child like that in his life. At a parent-teacher conference, one very nice teacher said "and if I say something wrong-I get these icy-blues glaring me down over her book. She doesn't say anything-she just glares at me" (at home she glared AND said something)

Now she is the lovliest & nicest person-kind & gentle, she works as a Nursing Supervisor with Handicapped Children & the staff & parents think she is wonderful. BUT-her daughter-almost 15-is becoming so much like her mother was...Our poor son-in-law. (But revenge is sweet!)

Nora

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997

Only have one but he's definitely provided a ton of worry and stress since he was 16 or so til actually pretty recently. Much better now at almost 22 as he now has a degree, and 2 great jobs, and is looking forward to starting grad school in the fall.  I think he'd really be happy and content if he would get a (worthwhile steady) gf (hasn't had any gf for a good 8 months).

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Nora, I will worry about Rae on my deathbed!!!  When I look at her now, I think, "Don't put the baby on the roof of the car!!!"

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Yes. Dd (now 28) was the easier of the two as a baby, partly because she could be easily distracted. I thought that was a good thing until she got older....and was easily distracted! She always marched to her own drummer, and by 5th grade that included forging notes to be excused for not doing her homework. She hated to be told what to do, but at least that also included hating to be told what to do by her peers or else I can only imagine some of the scrapes she would have gotten into (because as you can imagine, she preferred the "bad" kids for friends). At 16-17yo not believing us that adult men (like 23 and 31yo) were not appropriate "friends" for someone her age. At 18.5yo moving 1100 miles away on short notice for all the wrong reasons, and 9 months later we brought her back home when she was one foot in the gutter. Are you getting any sense of my worry and stress level during those years? The loser bf's were a dime a dozen; the short-lived jobs, the poor choices, I could go on and on. 

OTOH she is very smart and savvy, is willing to hustle and has good luck and almost always lands on her feet. When she was 23 she moved across the country to NYC and the distance helped to diffuse the active worry. She's had problems but nothing she hasn't been able to solve. And as the time goes by I'm getting better at "letting it go" when I get a call or text about problems. Last week it was a text about how she missed her train from Paris to Barcelona...really all I could say was "I'm sorry for you". There will probably always be some worry about her but at least there's usually an interesting story along with the worry!

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

Oh my yes.... well, you can probably guess our second eldest Ds, Patrick fell in that category.  It all seemed to start when sibling rivalry reared its ugly head when Ds #3 was born, or maybe old enough to be a jealous target for Patrick.  As parents, we didn't really know how to deal with this problem - Patrick hitting on Eric.  Not so much physical abuse but a kind of harassment of him in ways I can't even remember now, but typical sibling rivalry stuff and Eric, the gentle little soul he was did not fight back.  I think that was part of the problem, and Patrick did not like to sit still in school...did not take to reading or writing in a big way.  While he had been tested for ADD - the results were never conclusive.  By grade 7 I felt his teacher really did not like him and it just seemed to get worse from there.  By high school Patrick was not faring well in school and long story short he didn't even finish Grade 11.  I don't know what we could have done then - maybe tried harder to find some answer, though we tried, at least as best we could then and he did go to work but without even high school education he was certainly limited.  Ach... he got into trouble with the law at times...not that I want to detail this stuff...so won't.  But he grew up and he has matured in his thinking and he is doing somewhat better.  But well, it's a long story, but creative and charming as he is, I wish in a way he had some more stable work. 

Christine was a stress - man, I have my theories about her and it would take a bit more than a post to describe, so I won't.  But she was highly stressed herself, had bad experiences at the dentist, had phobias as a child, had separation anxiety for a long time.  She still has a phobia about flying.  And is still terrified of the dentist. She has grown up to be a delight in many ways but we went through stressful times before she grew up and left home. 

Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes I think I would have done things differently "if I knew then" sort of thing.  But then again, I do wonder how much I could have controlled even then, how much I could have changed my own reactions and feelings which surely I felt contributed to my parenting skills (or parenting difficulties, that is).  Anyway it's all water under the bridge and c'est la vie and all that sort of thing.  Life goes on and my kids move along in their own lives as I must in my own.  There might be a tinge of regret left in me, but not so much really.  I just never knew how hard raising kids would be! 

Shirley

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009

Got some good news today from the kid I worry the most about-DS. I knew that he was not happy in his job and that he wanted to go to grad school. Today he told us that he starts grad school in September.  He has known for awhile but waited until everything was finalized to tell us. He will be staying in the city, which is another piece of good news.

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

What will your Ds be studying at grad school?  Good news that he is accepted and going forward in the area of study that he prefers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009

Yes, it is good news. 

By the way, he was doing similar work to what your son is doing in Berlin.  Now,  he will be getting  his Master's of Applied Science ( Electrical Engineering).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2014

One?  Lol, all 3 and still rolling onward to more delightful stressors in the future. I've come to realize after 30 years of being mom all alone that 1) It was not worth my incredibly tremendous self sacrifice, time or energy and 2) I am finally free. I don't have to take any of it anymore. So I'm not, today I officially quit. Even when they get married with kids it doesn't change.  I have worked very hard at my own total expense and I regret every minute of it. Am getting rid of the 4 dogs left behind in my care (already got rid of the horse and 3 cats), Am going to kick the last one out  or better yet, I'll sell and just pack up and leave. Its my turn now, my time to take care of me. I refuse to continue to be a mom-rug at home and refuse to go unappreciated on the job (am also a damn good cna -that means I clean peoples wastes for a living and walk on eggshells in one of the most power hungry back stabbing professions beyond wallstreet- the health industry) Am going to try dilligently to change to quiet, clean auditor work. Wish me luck, that by next year, I have become a millionaire and can go live on a remote peaceful island.

Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011

A Millionaire? Maybe you could aim for something loftier something loftier in life? LOL

I was in the healthcare field too-at work, then at home with my son. I liked it-but as an RN I wasn't deep in the muck of things quite as much-enough though. Now I'm retired-from working & my son died, so from home as well. And we are taking the time to do what WE want-moving to a smaller house, with much less property & even in a small town, the place where we always vowed to return to when my DH retired. (Put on hold because a small town meant a small hospital that could not handle Adam's care).

So being a millionaire is not my dream-but being content & happy is! So I wish you luck with your dream-I'm achieving mine, after this year & hopefully a year to relax-the year of 2016 is to be the year we begin to travel a bit. Do keep us updated Hallieuya-are you taking courses to become an auditor-or did you already? Are you physically moving-or just moving out that which you don't want around any more?

We're moving about 400km-complete with 2 dogs (my dogs) & 3 cats (Mike's cats)-an adventure in itself! And once this is done-& my cardboard decor is gone, back to 'old lady tacky'-I will relax with knitting needles in hand. We will be about 2 hours from 2 of our kids-about 6hours from the other-but where WE want to be.

Nora

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Welcome to the board Hallieuya. Nothing like aiming high, if you achieve you million dollars by next year please let us know your secret!

I must say that you have a long fuse! There are some kids that grow up and move on without much prodding, and some that don't. By "kick the last one out" I assume you are referring to your youngest kid who probably isn't that young. Unfortunately, sometimes that is what is required. I hope it goes well without any more resentment and pain. We did kick out our dd when she was 18 (and brought her back home at 19 when she had more perspective on "the real world") and today we have a good relationship with her.

I hope that with time your kids will learn to express gratitude for the sacrifices you made for them. And hopefully you will develop good relationships with them and come to enjoy them as adults. 

Best of luck in your change of career.