DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?
27
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 11:33am

My son and daughter-in-law are expecting a baby in March.  We are very happy about this news, although it was a little stressful because they found out just two weeks before their wedding, and it did create a few problems, she wasn't feeling well, etc.  Anyhow, she is almost 3 months along and they are ready to tell other people.  Right now just their parents and brothers and sisters know about.  My son intends to call his grandmother (only have living grandparents on my husband's side)  and tell her the news.  After she finds out, I want to send an e-mail to mine and my husband's brothers and sisters.  I have asked them not to put the news on FACEBOOK until the day after I send this e-mail, so family has a chance to find out first.  I know they are anxious to share the news, and I said they can CALL anyone they want.  I just feel that putting it on facebook is telling the entire world and that the entire world should not find out before aunts and uncles and cousins.  My son sort of agrees, but insists that this is just how it is nowadays.  I said I don't care if it this is "just how it is" that doesn't make it right!  Am I being unreasonable?  Sometimes I just hate facebook.  I found out about my sister expecting her second grandchild on facebook (from my son, because I don't go on facebook)  and I was pissed!   Her son and DIL asked her to wait until she was past her first trimester and then did not give her the go ahead to tell others before they put it on facebook.  I'll tell you what, not EVERYBODY goes on facebook, and I don't think it is the appropriate medium for finding out this kind of news for someone in your immediate family.  I was really mad that I did not hear this news from my sister.  I have found out about all of my other nieces and nephews kids from my siblings, and that's the way it should be.  What do you think?  Thanks for reading! 

Pages

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
I'm not fond of fb and spend very little time there (maybe 5 minutes every few months). I'd send ds the list of email addresses and say you really would prefer if the fb update went the same day as the email to that list, thus putting his news on him to get out there. It's his choice as it's his news, but I'd lean on him that way (mine will likely be the same way when the time comes). Good luck.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

If he sends e-mails the same day as it's on Facebook, then facebook people will find out before family.  Not all of my family goes on facebook.  I think they need at least overnight to check their e-mail before it goes on facebook.  It's unbelievable to me that people are that addicted to facebook, but that's how it is.  I just wonder how many employers check how much time their employees are spending on facebook. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010

I am not sure you need to worry about how people find out.  For me I would not care one way or the other if I found out my niece or nephew was expecting from facebook, guess we are just not that close. Times have changed and for the younger generation facebook in the norm. BUT on the other had if it bothers YOU that much, get the e-mail sent to your siblings (with son and Daughter in Law's approval) and then let them announce how they want to the rest of the world,  facebook or a more personal aproach.:smileyhappy:

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
I think it is your son's baby, and he has the right to tell people the news however, and in whatever order, he chooses. That is NOT a hill *I* would die on.
As long as he has no objection to you telling people, get your dialing finger ready, because as many people as aren't on FB, don't check their e-mail daily, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

Our families are close, and this is how this kind of news has been announced in the past.  Some of the babies were born before facebook.   We don't see eachother as often as we would like, and we live a distance apart, so e-mails have been a great way to communicate.  You can send it to who you want, instead of just everybody!   That is the plan, for me to e-mail family first, then they will put it on facebook the next day.  I'm still saying they can call people to tell them, but just wait to put it on FB until family might have a chance to read the e-mail.  I'm trying to make them understand that at least trying to e-mail family first is the considerate thing to do.  Thanks for your response! 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Families are all different, and what seems right to you may seem silly to me, and vice versa. 

However, this is your son & DIL's news, not yours.  If they want to announce it on Facebook, that's their decision.  Regardless of how *you* feel about Facebook, that's how their generation communicates with each other.  Since it's their news, they have the right to communicate it as they like. 

I really don't think you're going to do anything positive for your relationship with your son & DIL by insisting that you get to tell "your" news to certain people before they tell it their way.  If my MIL had been that insistent on having her way about sharing the news of *my* pregnancy, I would have thought her rather controlling, and being as stubborn as I was back then, I probably would have started a pattern of just not telling her things.

You might also see the humor in insisting that email is the "right" way of doing things.  Back when I was having babies, the only proper way to make the announcement was with a printed announcement sent by mail.  Times change, and etiquette changes with it.

Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011

I have to agree that the news is theirs to share however they want to share.

I am one of the few who has absolutely no use for FB. I've tried it a couple times, am amazed at the amount of time others spend on it & the amount of gossip & trivia on it-but cancelled my membership because I found it was tempting to go on when there are other things that are more productive.

BTW-congratulations on the impending birth of your Grandbaby!

Nora

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

I agree with the others that its your son's news to tell by whatever method he prefers. However, I agree with you that he should either allow you to contact those relatives that you know are not his friends on FB, or he should contact them. I agree that its important to tell the grandparents and aunts and uncles in a more personal way than a FB update, or even a mass email or text. Whether it happens before or after the FB announcement may not matter as long as its not weeks later.

To me this issue is not about the method of delivery of news, but about the importance of sharing news with family and courtesy shown towards the older relatives who still use "old school" forms of communication; and that part of that courtesy includes letting family hear the news first to spare them the potential embarassment of learning it from somebody with no family connection. Maybe you can illustrate this to your son by posing a theoretical situation, such as you having a serious disease or getting a divorce, and asking him how he would feel if he heard the news from a friend who happened to read your twitter feed before he did.

If he still doesn't see your POV then just let it go. There will probably be a lot of things in the future where you will disagree with their methods so you'll have to get good at biting your tongue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009

 I do not think that important knews should be spread on FB until all of the close friends/relatives have already been told.  One problem with that is there can be a difference of opinion on what is a "close" friend/relative.

  I got a bit upset with my DH when he posted on FB that our dog had died before we got hold of DD1 to tell her.   The reason we had not gotten hold of her yet was because she was at work so she would not have seen it on FB any way but it still was not a good idea. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

I totally realize it is "their" news, and if I thought they would take the time to call or e-mail those immediate family members first, I would certainly support their doing so.  However, my son works odd hours and is not home when most people are at home.  Furthermore, they don't have all the e-mail addresses, and it would be too much bother to put them all in their computer, so then they would just put the news on facebook. 

I've been married for 28 years and I know where MIL's stand.  I've had my MIL butt her nose into a lot of business that wasn't hers.  However, I consider it is my business when the rest of the world finds out we're going to be grandparents before mine and my husband's siblings are told.  It is only out of respect for our relatives that do not go on facebook to hear the news from us.  I don't think it's right for them to hear the news second hand.  My siblings that have been expecting grandchildren have all done it this way, so if this is what my family is used to, then it should be fine.  You said "that's how their generation communicates with eachother."  This news is important to other people too, though, even those who do not go on FB.  Times do change and 30 years ago it would have seemed odd to announce such a thing by e-mail, but, like I said, our families have used this as a form of communication, and it works.  At least you are telling just who you want to tell instead of a million other people. 

Pages