DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?
27
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 11:33am

My son and daughter-in-law are expecting a baby in March.  We are very happy about this news, although it was a little stressful because they found out just two weeks before their wedding, and it did create a few problems, she wasn't feeling well, etc.  Anyhow, she is almost 3 months along and they are ready to tell other people.  Right now just their parents and brothers and sisters know about.  My son intends to call his grandmother (only have living grandparents on my husband's side)  and tell her the news.  After she finds out, I want to send an e-mail to mine and my husband's brothers and sisters.  I have asked them not to put the news on FACEBOOK until the day after I send this e-mail, so family has a chance to find out first.  I know they are anxious to share the news, and I said they can CALL anyone they want.  I just feel that putting it on facebook is telling the entire world and that the entire world should not find out before aunts and uncles and cousins.  My son sort of agrees, but insists that this is just how it is nowadays.  I said I don't care if it this is "just how it is" that doesn't make it right!  Am I being unreasonable?  Sometimes I just hate facebook.  I found out about my sister expecting her second grandchild on facebook (from my son, because I don't go on facebook)  and I was pissed!   Her son and DIL asked her to wait until she was past her first trimester and then did not give her the go ahead to tell others before they put it on facebook.  I'll tell you what, not EVERYBODY goes on facebook, and I don't think it is the appropriate medium for finding out this kind of news for someone in your immediate family.  I was really mad that I did not hear this news from my sister.  I have found out about all of my other nieces and nephews kids from my siblings, and that's the way it should be.  What do you think?  Thanks for reading! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

If there's one thing we've tried to teach our three grown sons, is that respecting people is one of the most important things there is.  That is why you don't just do this in any order you feel like it, there is a respectful way to do it, and that's what I'm trying to do here.  I know which family members don't regularly check their e-mail so I am prepared to call them. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

Thank you for the congratulations!  Yes, it is amazing how much time people spend on there. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

Thank you for your response!  The key word here is "important!"  FB is used for such trivial things sometimes, that it just seems crazy to put something so special on FB for all others to see where some of those who really need to know won't even see it! 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
emptynester2009 wrote:

 

  I got a bit upset with my DH when he posted on FB that our dog had died before we got hold of DD1 to tell her.   The reason we had not gotten hold of her yet was because she was at work so she would not have seen it on FB any way but it still was not a good idea. 

Oh dear!  That would upset me too!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Congrats on the upcoming birth of your grandbaby. This is an exciting time for you. I love being a grandma but I'm not a fan of fb except that it allows me the opportunity to view pictures of my friends & families which is what the older generation in my group uses it for.

Frankly, I agree that all family & close friends should be told of all important family events before it is posted. But I believe this responsibility belongs to our grown kids not us. When my DS got engaged, he did the proper thing & they came to visit both sets of parents & all 3 grandmothers. Then he called 2 close friends of ours who are like aunts/uncles to him. Finally, he sent out an email to all of his aunts, uncles & cousins as well as their close personal friends. 2 days later it was posted on FB. When my DD gave birth to my grandson 10 wks early, my DSs took care of the notification as they had could use their phones for email. Since this was a life/death situation, we knew our DD would not get around to this. Thankfully, our grandson made it & when he came home from the hospital at 6 wks, then my DD sent out emails to all family & friends. I had created a dist list & provided updates on our grandson's health during the first 6 wks.

So I'm saying that I support your feelings that close people need to be notified before facebook but I don't agree you should be the one doing it. It's not that hard to create a dist list using the emails you have, cut & paste it into a note to your son for him to cut & paste into another note with the news.

Again, congrats on the upcoming baby!!!! Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

Congrats on the new grandbaby!

I hate to say it, but I'm with those who say this is your son's news to tell and he's the one who gets to decide how to tell it, when to tell it,  and if you don't respect his and his DW's wishes, you might find yourself in a battle you'd rather not have.

I'll admit, I'm into FB as a way to keep in touch with friends and family, and is my primary way of keeping in touch with my adult children, but I "waste" more time on iVillage than I do on FB.  It is how people in the 20- and 30-something generation keep in touch and communicate, and they use it to communicate much, much more than they use email or snail mail.  My grandson's birth was announced on FB immediately after his other grandma and we got the text that he was here - about 5 minutes after he was born. 

One thought that occurs to me - once he posts it on FB, you could get to dialing family and friends who don't do FB since once it's on FB it's now public knowledge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

Thank you for the congratulations.  I am glad your grandbaby is doing O.K.

I think it is good the way your son announced his engagement.   My son and his then fiance', did the same. 

I regret the way I phrased my initial e-mail.  I did not mean that I had to be the one who did the announcing.  I just meant that it was proper and respectful for those people to find out first.  I didn't think ds and dil would take the time to call or e-mail those people, so I figured I would take care of it.   This is how the other babies have been announced in my family.   The news has been announced now.  As soon as my in-laws were notified, DIL wanted to put it on facebook.   I understand that she was excited, but  I  was disappointed when my sister-in-law and my niece e-mailed me back and said that they already saw it on facebook before they got my e-mail.    I didn't think about copying and pasting the e-mail addresses, if I had thought of it, I could've suggested it.  They were totally fine with me e-mailing people, it's just that they wouldn't let me get it out before they put it on facebook.  If they had e-mailed people it would've gone out at the same time, so it made no difference.  I'm quite sure they would not have waited for people to respond by e-mail before they put it on FB.  I was in the middle of something at that moment, and we had other news to pass on also, so I didn't get the e-mail out at that very minute.  Just glad that grandma was home when he called her or I'm not sure what would have happened.   

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Glad that it worked out without anybody getting hurt feelings. Its getting harder to hang on to the "old way" of doing things as social media sites become the normal and preferred way for people to share their news, and the use of technology in general. Its a shame for people who cannot or will not accept it because they are going to be increasingly left out of the loop. Even my 89yo FIL has a FB page, he uses it to keep aware of what his out of town grandchildren are doing, and to share photos. MIL is completely intimidated by trying to use a computer but fortunately FIL shows her FB and emails so she can keep up too.

I'm kind of on the fence with it all. I don't have a smartphone yet but figure that I will get one when my current phone dies. My current phone is not easy to text on, so I rarely use texting; so I don't have texting included in my phone plan and have to pay additional to send or receive them. My kids OTOH prefer to text or IM via phone, they don't talk on the phone much except to talk to parents or grandparents. It seems that in general, the younger generation is so accustomed to texting, tweeting, or FBing everything that they no longer realize when spoken communication, especially in person, would be the appropriate method. And I recently saw a report saying that voicemail is becoming obsolete, that people who text a lot are so used to instant communication that they never leave VMs (takes too long) nor even listen to VMs that people might have left them!

I have a FB page but I only check it a couple of times a week, and I almost never post a status update. While I've had to "hide" a few people who post too much stuff, its been really helpful in knowing what the extended family is up to. And I've received a few messages on it that used to be sent the old way, such as when a niece sent "save the date" messages for her wedding, but the actual invitation arrived in the mail in the traditional manner.

 

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

" Its a shame for people who cannot or will not accept it because they are going to be increasingly left out of the loop."

I am so of the old school - I mean, I am on FB but I kind of regretted getting on board it way back when it first became known or popular, as I realized not so long after that  I just hated it.  They changed things on it sometime soon after I got used to using it (!) and I became more confused with the additional things or the changes they made and now I only occasionally check to see some photographs of friends or family who put some up there but  I have to say I just cannot or don't want to embrace this particular technological medium for my own means of communication.  (I really don't like having a mass audience).  And I resent that just because I don't choose to be part of this, that people (i.e in particular family or close friends who are on FB) would not consider contacting me in other ways.  Well, the thing is, so far I am in contact in other ways... be it Skype, or emails or frankly the old-fashioned telephone.  Ray texts Christine or sometimes the boys for necessary bits of information but that hardly takes the place of real conversations be it on the telephone or in person.  I know my children won't bother listening to VM but just see if I've called by my name showing up on their phone, and will call back and ask what it was I was calling about (even though I said such in the message I left!).  LOL.  (Well, at least they are humouring me enough to telephone me!)

I guess what I'm saying is that given a choice, I still prefer a one-on-one communication for the most part.  I will send out emails to a group  list of friends and family when I write emails on some vacations - as a sort of 'blog' (though it's not technically a blog, of course but it's the news about what we are doing on vacation if any friends and family would like to know) but I am selective as to whom that is who will receive it.  (Mind you, here I am on iVillage and lots of strangers read my stuff!  LOL).  Somehow though, since I only see the names of our 'regulars' here who I feel I've gotten to know somewhat well - I like to feel I'm really communicating with just you folks...even though I know it's not just you folks!   So as much as I don't want to admit it, I am communicating to a 'mass audience' - even when I don't want to admit this reality.  I don't know ... it may not make sense, but I do what feels comfortable and for whatever reason, I just do not like FB at all. 

Anyway.......

Shirley    

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

It completely makes sense to me!  On iVillage you can say what you are feeling and not worry about what so-and-so might think!  For me sometimes it is the only way I can vent without feeling guilty about it!  For this, I am thankful!  I can tell people stuff on here that I wouldn't say to anyone else, including, at times, my husband! 

It is really amazing that us "non facebookers" would have to be "left out of the loop."  From what you are saying, I'd never figure out how to use facebook so, I'm not going to bother!  Waste of time!!!!   I would really like to see pics of my great nieces and nephews, but I don't care that their kids puked this morning, blah, blah, blah.  My son is home from college often enough that he shows me pics on FB that I might care to see.   There is no one that's on FB that doesn't communicate with me by methods that I use, so most of the time it doesn't bother me in the least.   If there is important news they will let me know by e-mail or a phone call.  I am quite sure I won't be "left out of the loop" because they know I don't do FB!