DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
DIL is pregnant, shouldn't I get to tell family before it goes on facebook?
27
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 11:33am

My son and daughter-in-law are expecting a baby in March.  We are very happy about this news, although it was a little stressful because they found out just two weeks before their wedding, and it did create a few problems, she wasn't feeling well, etc.  Anyhow, she is almost 3 months along and they are ready to tell other people.  Right now just their parents and brothers and sisters know about.  My son intends to call his grandmother (only have living grandparents on my husband's side)  and tell her the news.  After she finds out, I want to send an e-mail to mine and my husband's brothers and sisters.  I have asked them not to put the news on FACEBOOK until the day after I send this e-mail, so family has a chance to find out first.  I know they are anxious to share the news, and I said they can CALL anyone they want.  I just feel that putting it on facebook is telling the entire world and that the entire world should not find out before aunts and uncles and cousins.  My son sort of agrees, but insists that this is just how it is nowadays.  I said I don't care if it this is "just how it is" that doesn't make it right!  Am I being unreasonable?  Sometimes I just hate facebook.  I found out about my sister expecting her second grandchild on facebook (from my son, because I don't go on facebook)  and I was pissed!   Her son and DIL asked her to wait until she was past her first trimester and then did not give her the go ahead to tell others before they put it on facebook.  I'll tell you what, not EVERYBODY goes on facebook, and I don't think it is the appropriate medium for finding out this kind of news for someone in your immediate family.  I was really mad that I did not hear this news from my sister.  I have found out about all of my other nieces and nephews kids from my siblings, and that's the way it should be.  What do you think?  Thanks for reading! 

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
I have the same feelings about FB - I just email the cousins I keep in touch with (I'm 300 miles away from anyone in my family). I have a friend from grad school who has the whole family saga on there (last I looked he was honestly complaining about watching paint dry) - I cannot fathom putting something like that out there for friends/family to read! I 'hide' everyone's stuff on my wall - he asked why I did that - I said because I really don't think it's other peoples' business! If I do anything on FB, it was to 'find' HS and other friends (I use LinkedIn for business) and then email them thru FB vs. doing any poking!

Sue
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

You two ladies said it better than me!  I too feel that a lot of what is posted on FB is not worth reading about.  I think the only thing I do is look at some photos occasionally.  We have friends (a husband and wife) who the Dh really enjoys posting on FB and he will post photos from their trips (many trips!) and their many hikes they do when here at home.  But otherwise, he will also just write up short notes about what he or they are doing on such-a-such a day.  (I don't go looking but I get those "Notifications" from FB that pop up on my email...so that's when I'll have a peek although lately I'm doing less and less of that.)  Frankly, I might be jealous, but hearing about their constant going on trips here and there kind of irks me.  I mean, if we went to visit them and they told us about their trip in person, I don't think I'd feel so annoyed, but having it 'In my face" so to speak on FB bothers me.  But maybe that's just me!  It's like they are saying to the world, "Look at what we are doing now!"  - But maybe other people might feel the same about the trips Ray and I are doing more often now that he is retired and we are empty-nesters!  However, I don't put it on FB, although I do tell you ladies about it here and as I said, I write up emails occasionally on trips and send them to a group of friends.  I don't know...it's the 'public announcement' quality of FB I don't seem to like, I think.  But mostly it totally confuses me... and I can't be bothered trying to figure it out...Lord, if I don't sound like a dinosaur to the younger generation!  But then, if I really liked FB and found it rewarding, I think I'd do whatever to make it work for me.  Enough said?

Shirley

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
FWIW ds20 finds FB pretty annoying. His gf insists he use it so he does on occasion but otherwise he's not into it either. His (previous) U tells seniors to completely get off of FB if they are job hunting! (And the friend watching paint dry just always seems to be bragging about his 3 kids and awards and honors - I'm not jealous; I just don't see the need to broadcast that stuff)
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

watching paint dry? Give me a break. Ds told me that there is a way to connect FB to your Twitter feed, so I guess anything that you tweet can also go on FB as a status update. I don't know if my niece uses twitter but for a while she was posting the blow by blow details of her (not very interesting) days. 

I don't know how much of it is generational, or if its more a personality type, but I don't understand the need or desire to "share" the mundane details of my life. I can't imagine that anybody would want to know such little details, and I don't seem to do much that seems significant enough to notify everybody about it. Our kids grew up in the "Jerry Springer" era where there seemed to be no detail, sordid or otherwise, that was too private or insignificant to announce to anybody who would listen....that makes me wonder if that's why many people on FB go on about stuff that makes me think "who cares"? That is the significant question, who cares? Maybe a lot of people think or know that their family and friends do care and want to hear the details; or maybe their opinion of themself is a little inflated.

Its funny that I do find it of interest to read about what friends are doing (trips, cycling events, etc) but always feel like its not worth posting when I do the same things. Maybe I'm just much more private in what I care to share. When we went to Spain I thought about putting updates and photos on FB but figured it was a bad idea to announce that we were away from home!

Both of my kids have FB pages but they don't post there daily or even frequently. When they do post its usually with a photo of something that does look interesting, or a witty remark, or a link to an article that they want to share with their friends.

For me iVillage is a significantly different platform. For many years I stayed completely anonymous; this is the only board where I have revealed my name (since its fairly unusual, if somebody wanted to figure out who I am IRL it wouldn't be too hard) and I didn't tell it for a while, until I knew this was a place I would be staying. For many years my activity was on the "mommy boards" and I preferred to maintain privacy for myself and for my kids, about whom I was venting or asking advice; sometimes I discussed things that I did not want to discuss with friends or people who knew my kids.

On this board I will post rather mundane details because over the years we seem to have developed our virtual "koffee klatch" to the point where that's what we do, and I'm interested in hearing what my board friends do just like I'm interested in how my IRL friends spend their days (and a few iV friends have become friends outside of the boards as well). I know that some boards at iV have formed private groups on FB in lieu of the boards (sometimes resulting in the closing of the board) and it seems like it must be a completely different experience. When I hear the opinions of FB that are held by members of this board, I understand why this board has continued to survive!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007

I like the phrase "public announcement" that's exactly what it is!  Even though sometimes on ivillage we talk about Mundane things, it is with a select group of people, not just every Tom, Dick and Harry, and Jane, and Sally, and Mary..........!!  

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

<it is with a select group of people, not just every Tom, Dick and Harry, and Jane, and Sally, and Mary>

I guess I don't see how FB is not "select". The "announcer" chooses who will be his/her "friends", can set the privacy so only friends can see his pages as opposed to friends of friends or public, and can further refine who sees various updates or private messages through the use of lists--a select group of people. If they made a video and put it on YouTube so anybody in the world could see it then that would be a true public announcement.

I am not disputing that some people have many FB "friends" that are not actual friends or acquaintances IRL, or that some people post status updates that would have been better left unsaid. But FB can be used in a select manner if that's what the user wants to do.

My feeling when reading the original post was that it would have been a courtesy to notify the close relatives with the big news, ideally in person or by telephone, before announcing it to all of their friends and distant relatives. The method by which they tell their friends is up to them.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sending you a heads up to be prepared on the baby announcement!!! My niece had her baby today & I found out from my kids first who saw it on FB or BBM. I was out for the day & did find an email from my SIL sent an hr after the baby's birth but the FB & BBM went out around the same time.

Frankly, I don't care how I found out. I'm just pleased with the news & I suspect that is a common reaction. As parents, I think we worry too much about doing the "right" thing

Dee

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