I try to like my SIL BUT.....
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|Fri, 08-16-2013 - 8:08pm|
he makes it very hard. As you know, DD had a baby girl the beginning of July. SIL decided that in addition to his Mon to Fri job, he was going to work weekends with his buddy building decks, fences, sheds, etc.. His buddy has his own business with 2 crews & likes to have SIL lead the 2nd crew. So DD decided that she would spend the summer alternating weeks between home & here. SIL likes to hang with the boys & even though most of them are married with kids they still party together without the wives. So DD comes up here for the July 1st Canada weekend & we have a blast. She has us to help entertain Noah & to rock the baby so she can catch a bit of sleep. Mon morning DH mets me at the car as I drive in from my zumba class. DD is crying after a call from SIL but won't tell DH what's wrong. He is concerned that SIL has lost his job, if only. I find DD packing & crying, I finally get it out of her that SIL called her from jail while I was out. He had been arrested on a DUI the night before & chose to go to jail overnight since she wasn't at home & neither was his family. He was released and heading home by taxi, so she had to go home too especially since he had been driving her car when this happened & had been in an accident but didn't know the extent of the damage done to her car since he was taken away & oh yes, the car was impounded for 7 days. He has also lost his license for 90 days.
I had brought DD up to our place & so now my plans had to change so that I could take her home & then stay as long as she needed me. The penalty for a DUI here is 90 days immediate license suspension, impound car for 7 day resulting in towing & impoundment charges then off to court where if convicted you must pay $1000 fine, 1 yr license suspension & then a device to measure if you are below legal alcohol limits for the 1st yr after you are driving again. In addition, there is the joy of watching your insurance cost increase significantly. Oh yes, there is also the lawyer's fee ($8k) as you need one for court. Let's remember that DD was on bedrest from her 17th week of pregnancy until her 36th week & her company has no short term disability insurance. She was fortunate enough to at least get a disability payment for those weeks from the gov't but much less than her salary. So financially, 2013 has been difficult & they were just recovering from SIL losing his job in 2012. The lawyer's fee cleaned out their savings which is really DD's savings because SIL kept all the extra money he made on weekends for himself. Needless to say, he isn't working weekends.
So our lovely, relaxing summer has changed significantly & while SIL was the one who was stupid, it appears that DD, Noah, my boys & I are the ones paying for his actions. We are the ones pitching in & helping with the kids to give DD a break. Until this week, DD has been driving SIL to & from work everyday. This means getting the kids up & out by 7:30 each day unless I'm there. Apparently, he is stressed because he can't drive - poor baby. Originally, he was very remorseful & intent on changing his life. I didn't make any negative comments to DD, just helped her focus on the actions she could take to help herself deal with her fear by breaking the issues into separate ones & addressing them. Such as finding out about the insurance, finding a lawyer, deciding how she wanted their family life to be going forward & talking to SIL about common goals as a family. I don't see the planned changes he committed to happening now. This makes me so angry. I can get over the dui & his stupidity & what it is costing his family emotionally & financially but I can't stand that he isn't changing. DS2 had a dui at 19 & wrote off our SUV. Now I can honestly say that it was a good thing. He went from this wild, unresponsible kid to a mature, serious & totally responsible man who is only 26 while SIL is 31 in a mth & is still acting like a child. DD called her baby brother for advice, first time in their relationship that this has happened & of course, he came through for her.
Somehow, DS1 convinced DD to come home & make SIL take the bus this week for 3 days. Since DS1 is a counselor, he is better at keeping his emotions in check & helping DD realize what actions she is entitled to take. However, we both almost lost it on Mon when she said that SIL didn't enjoy his bus experience. It was his first time on a bus. He told her that it was all her fault & she acted mature by chosing to ignore this comment & pretend he must have meant it as a joke. DS1 & I spent time alone last night & both let our anger/frustration out about SIL to each other. SIL's ears should have been burning. So far, the only good I can see of this situation is that DD is taking a more assertive position in their relationship. She doesn't like fighting so avoids telling SIL when she is upset as he immediately gets angry. But recently he mentioned something about his money & she informed him that he had no money. There was their money & she had her little fun money but he no longer had any fun money until he paid back the family savings. She uses her fun money for their family savings or to enroll Noah in activities not to have fun like he does. She is also insisting that he spend time with the kids something she didn't pressure that first mth after the baby was born as he works & gets tired. Thank goodness my DH believed we both had kids & jobs to do esp when they were babies. He also got up at night even if it was just to burp & change a diaper after I breastfed.
So this is just me venting & wishing DD was still small enough that I could just bring her home & take care of her. But she is a wife & mother, so I can only help but not interfer. DS1 spent 5 days with her after he got home before they came here & his focus was on the kids & trying to get her to talk. DS2 & his wife have gone over several times when I wasn't able to stay down to watch the kids & take Noah out to give DD a break.. This is truly a family affair. SIL's parents have a busy social life but his Mom spent 2 days at their place & then they took Noah to their cottage for 24 hrs.
So once again, I'm not liking my SIL too much.
PS: thankfully the insurance is covering the car repairs as the accident was the other person's fault. In a way I'm glad he was caught, as 2 wks before both DH & I separately complained to DD that we felt SIL was over the limit when he took DH & Noah to tball practise one night. She was annoyed because she said he drank responsibility but now admits that she was obviously wrong.