Immature DIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Immature DIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 5:04pm

Hi, it's me again.  I thought things were going better with my son and DIL.  They were still planning to go to counseling, but that's not as easy and it sounds.  Trying to schedule these appointments seems to be almost impossible.  I guess the city they live near isn't big enough, I don't know.  Anyhow, I just got off the phone with him and I have no one to talk to about this.  I wanted to call my husband, but he just started a new job and I don't want to bother him.  He'll be on his way home soon.  If I did call him right now, it would be only the 3rd time in our 29 year marriage that I have called him at work in tears.  I guess I've had a really good life.  But, that tells you how upset I am right now.  So, my son was telling me about the latest ridiculous fight they got into.  They were at a family thing and when they got there (they were still in the car, NO ONE heard him say this)  he made a comment about why so and so was there, because he didn't think those certain people would be at this gathering.  O.K. I don't know how he said it, but I don't think it was worth the big deal she made about it.  She flipped out!!!!!!!  She got all pissed off and yelled at him.  Then when she was by her relatives they asked what was wrong (yeah, she does this, I even have pictures of her being crabby) she cannot hide when she's mad about something.  She told them ALL  everything he said, and not only that but she told everybody she'd be spending the night at her mom's again.  OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!! She is so immature, when is she going to grow up???????   It seemed they were in a little bit better place, she knew they have to put their daughter first and it even seemed like she was coming around about the money issues.  Then she does this!!!    I love my granddaughter more than anything, but I wish she hadn't been born into this situation.  This is not how I wanted to be a grandmother.  I bought a bag full of clothes for her today off of the clearance rack, now I can't even look at them.  This hurts so bad.  I feel like I've done something so wrong in raising my son.  Most ways I think we've taught our kids well.  Something happened with this son.  He doesn't have self confidence to realize he deserved better.  Now he's stuck.  If they didn't have this baby he could just get out, and I'd say good f****** riddance!   I hope someone comes on and reads this I so need someone to talk to.  Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 10:48am

Well, let me add my 2 cents here-as someone with 3 children/in-law children.

I have made it a firm policy NOT to listen to arguments between spouses-what happens between my kids & their spouses is none of my business-just as what happened between Mike & I was not shared with either sets of our parents. And what happened between us did not affect how our kids were shared with their grandparents. And I really think you need to emphasize this to your son(& dil)

I remember when your son married this girl-& you did find her charming. But I think you have to remember that nobody is perfect. The girl who seems sweet & innocent might be actually a bit too childish after awhile. And the one who is determined & independent might seem stand-offish & unfriendly after awhile.

In your shoes (& this is IMHO of course)I'd go visit & say "your problems are yours, not ours, not the baby's-as the grandparents we'd like to visit & have a bit of cuddling time. Why don't you go for a walk together or go window shop together or even do yard work together or **** "(fill in the blanks appropriately.)

I certainly would not hold those clothes back-& I would not tolerate listening to the "he said/she said" any more-stop it as soon as it starts by saying "Not what I want to hear-it is for a counselor, not me." And if they don't have a counselor, a minister or a trained 3rd party-neither you nor her mother.

Nora

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 10:32am

Hi and thank you for your response.  It's comforting to know that others have been through similar circumstances.  I feel so alone right now.  I only have one friend I feel I can confide in and I do this through e-mail.  I'm just so sad, hurt, frustrated,angry, you name it, I've felt it.  I also feel embarassed.  People don't know about this yet, but they will if things don't change soon.  We have a niece's wedding in a few months and then after that my other son's wedding.   It would be really humiliating to have my son there without his wife.  I'll be embarassed for him, and be embarassed myself, because I still feel like something should have been done to keep this from happening.   We should have taught him better than to choose somebody that was so wrong for him.  I know everybody keeps saying I shouldn't feel responsible, but I do.  I brought him into this world, it was my job to teach him right from wrong and to make good decisions.  I don't know how many times I asked during their relationship and engagement if he was sure about her.  He always kept saying "it's getting better."  I know that people can't change, you can't change them.  I'm going to make an appointment with my counselor because I just don't know how to deal with this.   My husband and I are really hoping that these relatives who witnessed her display of unraveling, will realize that this is not normal behavior.  We are fearful that she will win custody because she's painted just a bad picture of him already.  He's the bad guy, he's changed, he's whatever, I don't know what goes through her head!  If you ask me, she's the one that emotionally unstable, not her.  He has his issues, but he doesn't have these episodes of erratic behavior like he does.  At one time he had more emotional problems, but he's grown up, she obviously hasn't. 

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 11:43pm

I think (or am just guessing) that whatever will happen will happen and perhaps it won't be the outcome you would fervently wish for with everyone happy - but we can hope for the best, but maybe whatever happens is what has to happen...or let's just say that you don't have control over it.  I certainly can understand how you want the best for your granddaughter and son and even of course for your DIL. 

There is certainly a good thing in being compassionate and kind and nice to your DIL... not just because you hope that that will help the situation, but I just believe that it is better all around to be that way.  One can hope it will help the situation, but who knows. 

Many many years ago my eldest brother married a woman who as it turned out, she was a very disturbed person - not sure what her problems were but oh my goodness that was a disaster of a marriage.  But then....after many years together and even having two sons, my brother didn't have it in him to leave her.  He chose (out of fear or who knows what) to stay with her even though my family was willing to help him leave her if he chose to.  Just to say that there was only so much we as a family could do in the situation.  In those days it did not occur to us that he could have sought help professionally...if that were possible for him though financially he couldn't have afforded anything private in that regard.  Anyway.... just to mention this story in that this particular marriage was something we all wished would not have happened, but we had no control for it to be anything other than what it was in the end due to the time and circumstances, my brother's personality which had something to do with it and my family's not knowing what more they could have done. 

One of my sons gave us more difficulty in his growing up so that we too had him tested for ADD (though the results were never conclusive in that regard) and we too went to a therapist with him.  Looking back, we did what we thought best at the time but in retrospect I think we were really confused and desperate.  The therapy didn't last long or was of any real value.  He dropped out of high school in Grade 11 (the beginning of it, that is) and I sometimes I certainly wish we could go back in time and do some things differently...but?  He's wonderfully artistically talented but not so much gainfully employed.  Anyway he's got a lot going for him, but we wish he was more financially secure - perhaps that will come in time...Who knows! 

Good luck, and wishing all the best.

Shirley

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 9:33pm

They take the baby to her mom's when they do things by themselves.  She lives like 8 blocks away, I live 80 miles away.  That's why she's able to run to mommy when she has a problem.  I am going out next week to babysit during the day while DIL works.  I told my husband you know how pissed I am, but I can't show her that I'm pissed.  I'm not supposed to know what happened.  The only thing I can think of to do is smother her with niceness.  We've always been nice to her, but if I'm extra nice to her maybe she will be nice to my son!!!! 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 8:18pm

Could you volunteer to take her so they can go out to any/all those activities/outings? Or so they can have date nights?  That way they get time together and get to do some fun stuff (and hopefully relax a bit) knowing their dd is being taken care of by someone who dearly loves her. And you get time with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 8:09pm

Hi, well, I'm not sure what he's supposed to do about her behavior.  If he gets mad she will just use that as more of an excuse to act irrationally and run off to her mommy.  Right now he just has to watch every single thing he says until they can get counseling and hopefully this counselor can somehow get her to realize that she is as much to blame for their problems as he is.  See, she thinks everything is his fault.  She has gone so far as to call him emotionally abusive.  He has lost his temper a total of three times in the year since they got married.  Yes, he said some things that he shouldn't have, but aren't we guilty of that from time to time? 

About the clothes, I would love to shower my granddaughter with love if I ever got to see her.  We only live about 80 miles from them, but we still go sometimes 3 weeks at a time without seeing her.  We have gone to their house a number of times so we can see her, even if it's only for an afternoon.   They have had so blinkin many weddings and family gatherings, such as the one last weekend, that there is no time for us to see her.  I am starting to feel like I am filling a hole in my heart by buying her so many things.  The hole is there because I don't get to see her. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 8:01pm

Hi and thank you for your response and kind words.  I still feel I didn't do enough for my son, but when I really think about it, I did.  I advocated for him when I knew he had ADHD, even my husband didn't believe it at first because the kid was so smart and he didn't have the hyperactivity.  When he was bullied in high school we got him to counseling.  We even went with him to counseling.  I really believe that my son thought this girl was the best he was going to do.  Since they both have emotional issues this is a recipe for disaster.  She does have good qualities, otherwise he wouldn't have ever even thought about marrying her.  Unfortunately those good qualities are overshadowed by the outlandish things she does.  I can only hope that she still has some PPD, and that incidents like this last one won't happen again.  They do have an appointment for counseling in a couple of days now.  I can only hope that this counselor is a miracle worker.  My son did talk to the counselor on the phone and explained things to him.  The counselor said right away that she has to break the ties that bind her to her mother.  She cannot go running to mommy  when things get hard.  My husband is convinced she is setting this all up to get custody of the child.  She will accuse him of being emotionally abusive to her.  She is so screwed up herself that she doesn't realize that a lot of these things that happen are perfectly normal in a marriage.  Thanks again for reading and responding. 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 7:12pm

I obviously don't know the circumstances but does your son go along with this behavior?  I'd hate to be in a relationship that you feel you need to be careful what you say around your spouse; they may not be thrilled with what you're concerned about but they should be an outlet for stuff like that.  I wonder if he feels stuck and obligated to stay together for the child.

The clothes - for your grandchild? Why would you not want to look at the clothes?  I'd probably go off the deep end and try to show her how much she's loved, since it sounds kinda rocky at home.  Do you have time to volunteer to care for her so she has a safe haven if things are sticky at home?

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 7:00pm

I'm sorry to hear of the ongoing problems with your son and DIL, and of course how it impacts you in such a sad upsetting way.  I hope you don't also upset yourself about past history and feeling like you somehow didn't do something right or did something wrong with this son of yours.  I don't think there are too many parents who have ever done everything right and we make mistakes and we fail our children SOME of the time, but I'll bet in a majority of cases, we have done enough good over and above the 'bad' and we certainly never meant to do what we may have done and our love and good intentions must mean for something.  And our children grow  up to be adults and so must take on adult responsibilities and yeah, maybe they don't grow up and become responsible so quickly or easily.  All my 4 children are different and sometimes I wonder too where I might have failed them in some ways, but now is the present and I try to focus on that and their wonderful traits and it's up to them to figure out the rest ...with help and support along the way if they need it and look for it.  What I mean to say is that I don't spend hardly any energy guilting myself anymore.  And you know, it's not just parents who have an effect on children's lives...they leave, they go to school and from there on in are involved with many persons they come across in their day and who have a good or maybe not so good influence on them.  So we are not the sole creators or infuence on our children's psyches! 

I hope your son and DIL continue to seek counseling but they both need to want to work at this and it won't be easy.  I suppose your task in this is to support your son, but also if you can support his marriage by trying to be neutral in a sense...not berate your DIL necessarily.  Her immaturity means she's not aware of how to act or do things differently.  People often 'react' and lash out with emotion and who knows what may trigger that anger or whatever, as in the case of this last event between your son and DIL.  People often do/react how they done most of their lives and know not  how to do otherwise (habitual way of being) - which is why counseling comes in to help a person get beyond the same way of being and doing.  Anyway you probably know that already.  

Anyway hugs to you in this upsetting time, mom-julsie.  I hope things calm down.

Shirley

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