It Seems to Me

Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
It Seems to Me
11
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 2:06pm

That as the mothers of some of these children who give us grief, who cause us to worry-we have to sit back & think more about it & go with our hearts & our gut rather than to listen to what someone else has to say about it. We carried these children around for 9mo, then we burdened to push them into the world & then we worked hard to teach them the basics of life-how to eat, how to survive & how to be adults in a very unforgiving world. And as the adults who did this-shouldn't we be the very ones who expect the least from them now?

I've given "startingover"s post a lot of thought in the past week-so much that I didn't feel I could add to it after all this time-I felt I needed to start a new one. As I said before, in her last one, we've had issues with our kids/our daughters & I never ever gave up. And I cannot believe that I ever will-no matter what someone else would tell me. Every therapist/counsellor has their own opinion & their own way of counselling-but their way isn't always my way. I would never walk away from my child (& my adult children are still my children)& say "Call me when you are grown up & mature" because that, to me, guarantees they won't ever call me again. And to be honest-that would simply kill me inside.

Like everyone, we've done things for our kids that will never be reciprocated-hopefully they will do them for their own kids. Things have been said that can't be UN-said, but sometimes you have to hope that future actions will show that those words weren't true, but were in a moment of anger or frustration. "I'm sorry" is important-sometimes it isn't quite enough & the old adage "Actions speak louder than words" must come true.

The wedding of your other DD is important-but making her feel guilty for flying there is terrible. If the shower cannot be arranged for the few days before the wedding, then either go alone or on a cheap flight (Red-eye?)or train or send a gift & a phonecall. Our son got married out of town-which was a logistical nightmare trying to arrange hotel rooms with the oxygen, the tuxedo for Adam (& Mike)& everything-but we managed it & I made sure I had wads of kleenex in my purse. I do realize it must be different having the 2 families-that these girls are from your first dh-not the current one. But they still are yours to love & to be loved & that should never change-In my opinion anyway.

Sorry, 'startingover'-as I said, I've thought & thought-read your posts over & over. I cannot imagine even considering "leaving her alone until she matures". She is yours to love forever-immature or not. And without you around, how will she ever be able to form a trusting & lasting relationship with anyone? Her parents' relationship did not endure-she needs you to prove that she is capable of having one. And the first one all of us have is always with our parents.

Nora

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 12:00pm
I cannot force my DD to have a relationship with me if she doesn't want one and God knows I've tried. My DD28 didn't speak to me for a year and a half (she had her reason and I knew it), she eventually came around and we are very close now. I know there will come a day DD26 will also come around. As for the wedding, I have NEVER told my DD28 that her wedding is a hardship, but she knows dh is unemployed, so we just don't talk about it. She knows I will be there when she wants me there...for both the shower and the wedding.

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