MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!
31
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:34pm

As I told you in my other thread, we insisted my son tell his grandparents about the baby before they put it on facebook. (He did what we asked.)   Well, it's been like 10 days and evidently my husband's mother has not accepted this pregnancy.  You see,  my DIL was about two months along when she and my son got married. (OMG, like this never happens?????)   I knew she was being weird about this.  Today we were at their house for an informal gathering of her (MIL's) side of the family.   My SIL arrived and congratulated her and us about the baby.  MIL said "I'm not ready."  Ready for what?  Well, she better get ready because this is happening whether she wants it to or not!!!!!!   There was one aunt there who I guess she told but there were about a dozen other people there who didn't know about it.  It was not our place to tell them, they are not our brothers and sisters.  SIL suggested we tell them, but we were so mad and we needed to get going anyway, so we left.  My son really looks up to and respects and loves his grandparents and would be crushed by her behavior.  We really think this woman has psychological issues.  This isn't the only thing she's weird about.  But, she MUST accept this baby as the gift that it is and not be ashamed or she will alienate our son.  My husband is going to give her a week or two here, but before son and DIL come to visit again he will be having a conversation with his mother.  He is extremely upset by her attitude.  Tell me, if a person is so opposed to abortion, then how can they be upset with a mother and father who are married welcoming a child with open arms?  They are excited to no end about this baby and do not consider it a "mistake" and we don't either.  I am excited about being a grandma and already have bought baby things to keep at our house.  I guess I should mention that son and DIL were engaged for a year and 1/2  when they got married.  So, this baby had nothing to do with the timing of the wedding.  They/we only found out two weeks before the wedding.  My son is almost 26 years old and his wife is 24.  I think they are old enough and mature enough to handle this.  WDYT?  

Signed, Angry and Hurt 

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 7:18pm

I think that you're handling it the right way--your dh (her son) will talk to her to find out what the problem is, and explain to her that the newlyweds are happy and if she is judgemental then her grandson will likely move apart from his grandparents, and they will miss out on knowing their great-grandchild. Whatever she chooses to do after that conversation is her choice, and she will have been made aware of the consequences (if somehow she doesn't already know them) and have to deal with them on her own.

Just wondering, what about your FIL? Is he happy for the couple, or agrees with his wife, or just trying to keep a low profile while MIL is being weird? Would the outcome be better if your dh talked to his dad first?

Hopefully your MIL will come around sooner rather than later. At least the couple is married already. One of my nieces got pregnant during college and refused to marry the father. The entire family was supportive of her that it was her choice, and the baby was accepted and loved by all--and there are some pretty conservative old fashioned religious sticklers in the group. But like you said, the parents chose not to terminate the pregnancy and everybody decided to believe that "babies are a blessing from God". After she and the father finished college they married, their then 4yo dd was the flower girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 8:27pm

I don't really know how FIL feels.  We got there and there were too many people around.  We got the feeling that she hadn't told anyone because no one said anything to us.  So, we just figured we'd see if she said anything to them while we were there.  It wasn't until my SIL came that it came up.   I thought she was being weird about this because she never responded to the e-mail I sent out.  (I knew she already knew but I sent it to her anyway so people wouldn't think I left her out.)  She e-mailed us about other dumb stuff but never said anything about the baby. FIL is pretty easy going.  He might not exactly like something, but he's not going to hold it against a person.  MIL just has issues about so many things, but this is one issue she needs to deal with, and quick.  Not only will she alienate our son and DIL but I don't know if I can stomach being around her either if she's going to act like this.  You have to love your kids, and your grandkids, unconditionally, even if you don't agree with everything they do. 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:52am
Do you think it's as simple as being intimidated with the idea of being a great grandparent? Some people are sensitive to that kind of thing... Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 9:53am

I'm not sure what you mean by intimidated, like scared, or what? 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 10:33am

I agree with elc, you're going about it the right way.

Your MIL may be annoyed that they didn't wait until they were married to get pregnant, or the prospect of being a great-grandma may make her feel very old.  Who knows.  Rather than telling her how she should feel, though, I hope your DH will just concentrate on making sure her behavior is appropriate.  She can't necessarily help the way she feels, but she can control her behavior.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:41am

The more I think about this situation the more I think that you should try to let it go. I understand how you are angry and hurt for the sake of your son, but since it isn't your battle and there's nothing that you can do about it anyway then its better to try to step back. MIL feels however she feels; since she's keeping it to herself nobody knows exactly how she feels but that's much better than her telling everybody...words that can never be taken back. She will either come around, or not; and continue to have a good relationship with your son and his growing little family, or not. And it will be her loss if she doesn't but there's still nothing that you can or should do to remedy it. If she is still being weird when your ds and dil go to see her, they will deal with it. After all your ds is an adult and a married man capable of handling his own hurts and disappointments, and those of his wife and children.

Give her time to process her feelings, and accept that she gets to feel however she wants. If you are a religious person then pray for her to open her heart etc. 

There are two sayings that have helped me over the years, see if either of them can help you now: "don't let her problem become your crisis" and "you can't control what another person does or thinks, you can only control your reaction to it".

Know that this will resolve itself somehow (maybe not the way you would have wanted, but somehow) so just stand back and let the involved parties work it out.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:03pm
Like coming to the realization that she's aging, and doesn't want to admit it? I'd like to think once the little bundle arrives she'll forget all that (whatever reasoning she has) and move forward.
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:19pm

Elspeth, I heartily agree!  I just say give the woman time and see how things progress.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Seems to me she will warm up to a new baby when he or she arrives!  But maybe she just needs time to think or talk about it with her Dh?  Like you said, " don't let her problem become your crisis".  Seems to me that being angry maybe how a person reacts, but I think it would only make the situation worse if you approach the MIL in that frame of mind. 

Shirley

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:08pm

I'm not sure why I wouldn't be an "involved party" this is my grandchild we're talking about.  Also, what affects my children, affects me.  If she alienates my son, she will lose a daugher-in-law too.  You mess with my kids, you deal with me.  I am a mother bear and will stop at nothing to protect my children even if they are grown.  My son has had so many problems in his life.  He's had terrible luck with girlfriends, got bullied terriby in high school. he's gotten fired from jobs.  His self-esteem just cannot take another blow.  He already feels like the "black sheep" of the family because he thinks his younger brothers are better than him.  I have always had an extremely close relationship with my first-born son and I know how he thinks. I also know how my MIL thinks.  She's very selfish.  It is more important to her to be right than it is to do the right thing.  Her siblings have had long-standing feuds over the STUPIDEST things.  They sometimes haven't spoken to eachother in 10 or more years.  They can't even have the whole family together because some of them do not get along.   My husband has e-mailed me a letter of what he wants to send to her.  It echoes my thinking exactly.   If she says anything to my son and his wife or says something to someone else and that gets back to them, it will hurt him deeply.  We won't let that happen.  Her actions and attitude will spoil the joy of what it is for us to become grandparents.  I'm sorry that we put hole in her perfect little bubble of a world, but stuff happens!!!!   She needs to accept this!   We will give her a little more time, but she must be dealt with before my son and DIL go to visit them again or she WILL say something that will hurt them.  To say this isn't my battle and I need to let it go, how can I let it go?   This is my son and I don't want to see him hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:32pm

Well, the SIL that was sitting there that is the only one that knows, has 7 great-grandchildren, and my MIL is older than she is.  Fact is, I was 21 and dh was 23 when we got married.  Two years later we had our first child.  DO THE MATH!!!   He is almost 26 years old, good grief!!!   Does she want to be 90 before she has great-grandchildren?  Oh, no, she wants to be dead first I guess.  I may seem insensitive here, but we are just sick to death of her attitude about things.  She is so negative about everything.  Most of the time her stupid little issues don't really affect us that much.  If she wants to die an angry, crabby old lady, we can't do anything about it.  But, if it directly affects our family we can't allow her to have her little tantrum at the expense of our son. 

I am sorry if I am not being nice here, but MIL is not being nice, and I need to vent!  

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