MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!

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Registered: 01-30-2007
MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!
31
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:34pm

As I told you in my other thread, we insisted my son tell his grandparents about the baby before they put it on facebook. (He did what we asked.)   Well, it's been like 10 days and evidently my husband's mother has not accepted this pregnancy.  You see,  my DIL was about two months along when she and my son got married. (OMG, like this never happens?????)   I knew she was being weird about this.  Today we were at their house for an informal gathering of her (MIL's) side of the family.   My SIL arrived and congratulated her and us about the baby.  MIL said "I'm not ready."  Ready for what?  Well, she better get ready because this is happening whether she wants it to or not!!!!!!   There was one aunt there who I guess she told but there were about a dozen other people there who didn't know about it.  It was not our place to tell them, they are not our brothers and sisters.  SIL suggested we tell them, but we were so mad and we needed to get going anyway, so we left.  My son really looks up to and respects and loves his grandparents and would be crushed by her behavior.  We really think this woman has psychological issues.  This isn't the only thing she's weird about.  But, she MUST accept this baby as the gift that it is and not be ashamed or she will alienate our son.  My husband is going to give her a week or two here, but before son and DIL come to visit again he will be having a conversation with his mother.  He is extremely upset by her attitude.  Tell me, if a person is so opposed to abortion, then how can they be upset with a mother and father who are married welcoming a child with open arms?  They are excited to no end about this baby and do not consider it a "mistake" and we don't either.  I am excited about being a grandma and already have bought baby things to keep at our house.  I guess I should mention that son and DIL were engaged for a year and 1/2  when they got married.  So, this baby had nothing to do with the timing of the wedding.  They/we only found out two weeks before the wedding.  My son is almost 26 years old and his wife is 24.  I think they are old enough and mature enough to handle this.  WDYT?  

Signed, Angry and Hurt 

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 2:22pm
Hopefully your dh's words will calm things down. At this stage you'd hope she'd recognize life's too short for petty stuff and she'd be excited about the new little one. Best of luck!
Avatar for mahopac
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Registered: 07-24-1997
Re: MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 4:51pm

Elspeth, I completely agree with everything you've said.

Mama bears are there to protect cubs.  A 26yo is not a cub.  He's a married man, and if he can't handle his grandmother's nastiness, he will find ways to deal with it.  And his wife is the person he is closest to now.

My parents could be occasionally sharp-tongued.  When our kids were young, we were the ones to tell our parents to shut up; as young adults, they do a fine job of it themselves.  I've seen my 5' tall, baby-faced 25yo niece tell my dad, "That was rude and uncalled-for, Papa.  You shouldn't say things like that."  DH's 22yo niece got so peeved by her aunt's harping that she told her where to get off.  Being able to set boundaries for yourself as a young adult is an important part of maturing and making sure others do not take advantage of you.

Avatar for deenow17
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Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 4:55pm
I understand your anger & frustration but your son is not a child. He is a grown man & about to be a father. My thought is that you & your DH need to stay out of this. It's your MIL's business who she tells. If you want her siblings to know, then you tell them.

We are talking about a different generation here where sex before marriage wasn't something they were comfortable with acknowledging. My aunt became a great-grandma 11 yrs ago & never acknowledged the pregnancy because her grandson wasn't married to the Mom. But as soon as that baby was born, it didn't matter anymore & she adores her great granddaughter. She needed time to deal with this.

When my DD got pregnant at 27 & wasn't interested in getting married then ( they did when DGS was 4), I wasn't sure how my Mom would react. I know I didn't react well when I first heard but I got better in a short time. My Mom was only worried about how my DD would cope. She also didn't tell her friends about the pregnancy because she felt at 72, she was too young to be a great-grandmother. She did tell her siblings before DGS was born but not until she had become comfortable with the idea.

Everyone processes things at different speeds. I suggest that you will create a problem for the kids if you start a fight with your MIL.

fyi, I am a major mother bear & have fought many battles for my kids but I have learned that this isn't my role any longer. If they are to be grown up, then I need to let them make their own decisions on what battles to fight & how to fight them. Let your DS & DIL decide how to handle this situation themselves. Frankly, they may not care that their great aunts & uncles don't know.

Dee
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Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:39pm

It isn't that we cared wheter or not the great, great, aunts and uncles knew or not.  It was what she said when the subject was brought up.  She's "not ready" ready for what?  To be a great-grandmother?  Too late!!  It's happening whether she wants it to or not.  She can choose to accept this or if she doesn't there will be consequences.  My ds will not subject his new wife to criticism and condemnation.  We are only wanting to run interference here so it doesn't come to that!!  If she alienates my son, I will not be able to associate with her.  That would be pretending everything's fine when it isn't.  BTW, she's 76, so I really don't know at what age she expects to be "ready" but that is out of her control. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:44pm

My son will not talk back to his grandparents, unless, they have embarassed or made his new wife feel bad.  Then he may step up and say something for her sake.  If it is just him having a conversation with him, I don't think he'll say anything.  He was taught to respect his elders, even if he completely disagrees with what they're saying.  He'll just hold it in and then tell us what happened.  She'll figure out what she's done eventually when they never bring the baby to her house. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Re: MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:51pm

It isn't possible for us to control what she says.  We (my husband) can only warn her what the ramifications may be if she chooses to be selfish.  She has to do he right thing, instead of thinking she has to be right. 

We will welcome this child with open arms, despite what great-grandma thinks or feels.  It be just sure be nice if she could accept this new life as the gift that it is.  If she doesn't, we will have our own Christmases, etc., here, with our grandchild.  She will miss out and so will great-grandpa and great aunts and uncles.  It is not fair to everyone else just because she needs to be right or have her way. 

Avatar for nora_mcl
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Registered: 10-30-2011
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:55pm

Anything I think has been said. I have been called "Mama Bear" too-but by the time my kids got married, & were ready to have children, I had to back off. It does sound as if you & your MIL have had issues in the past-but this is not the time to bring them up again. If she hasn't told her family members-you can, I don't see it as a big deal. And if she is wondering about being a Great-Grandmother-I see that as normal.

When we told my parents they were to be grandparents-my father was 48, my mother was 42-& neither one of them felt ready to that old (I had 12 & 14 year old brothers living at home). When you think about it-your MIL probably never thought she'd reach that point in her life-her mother was probably gone before reaching Great-Gma status. And if the fact that this baby comes a few months early-that too was probably new to her way of thinking. Give her time to get accustomed to the thought-& put your Bear costume away...your son is old enough to handle himself. And I'm betting he won't have to! Babies have a way of making love happen.

Nora

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Registered: 01-30-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 9:03pm

My son and his wife have been together for over 5 years, they were engaged for 1 and 1/2 of those years.  My other son has been with the same girl for 6 and 1/2 years.  Her grandchildren are getting older, she needs to accept that.  Girlfriends, boyfriends, weddings, and KIDS!  FIL will be 80 next year, isn't that old enough?  I think so!!!   Just what is the magic age here?  Just when does she think she's old enough? 

Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 12:06am

It isn't a case of being old enough-it is a case of feeling old enough-there is a difference. And instead of trying to protect your son, ignore what you see as hurtful & let him deal with his grandparents. You do sound angry yourself, Julsie. This baby is a blessing-but it is a blessing that you must wait for, I can't see that getting up in a knot about something that might not happen.

I'm sure there were many things in the past between you & MIL-but don't you have to step back a bit & let your son & dil handle it. IF she is hurtful, then he may choose to ignore her until she is nicer-but as I said, why be so upset about something that has not happened yet. When she sees the baby bump, it may just make her realize that this is indeed real. And when she meets her great grandbaby-she will be happy & loving. Was she not loving with your boys?

Nora

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:27am
..ITA and I think although it'd be tough, maybe having your dh or ds say something as simple as, "We know you're way too young to be a great grandma, but..." and just schmooze that way and hopefully she'll back off.