MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
MIL ashamed/embarassed about this pregnancy?!
31
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:34pm

As I told you in my other thread, we insisted my son tell his grandparents about the baby before they put it on facebook. (He did what we asked.)   Well, it's been like 10 days and evidently my husband's mother has not accepted this pregnancy.  You see,  my DIL was about two months along when she and my son got married. (OMG, like this never happens?????)   I knew she was being weird about this.  Today we were at their house for an informal gathering of her (MIL's) side of the family.   My SIL arrived and congratulated her and us about the baby.  MIL said "I'm not ready."  Ready for what?  Well, she better get ready because this is happening whether she wants it to or not!!!!!!   There was one aunt there who I guess she told but there were about a dozen other people there who didn't know about it.  It was not our place to tell them, they are not our brothers and sisters.  SIL suggested we tell them, but we were so mad and we needed to get going anyway, so we left.  My son really looks up to and respects and loves his grandparents and would be crushed by her behavior.  We really think this woman has psychological issues.  This isn't the only thing she's weird about.  But, she MUST accept this baby as the gift that it is and not be ashamed or she will alienate our son.  My husband is going to give her a week or two here, but before son and DIL come to visit again he will be having a conversation with his mother.  He is extremely upset by her attitude.  Tell me, if a person is so opposed to abortion, then how can they be upset with a mother and father who are married welcoming a child with open arms?  They are excited to no end about this baby and do not consider it a "mistake" and we don't either.  I am excited about being a grandma and already have bought baby things to keep at our house.  I guess I should mention that son and DIL were engaged for a year and 1/2  when they got married.  So, this baby had nothing to do with the timing of the wedding.  They/we only found out two weeks before the wedding.  My son is almost 26 years old and his wife is 24.  I think they are old enough and mature enough to handle this.  WDYT?  

Signed, Angry and Hurt 

Pages

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:04pm

I certainly do understand your desire to express your frustration.  You asked us what we thought and we gave you our thoughts.  I think that as much as you say and even if we agreed that your MIL SHOULD do this or behave in a certain fashion - the point is, she will react and act the way she wants and will think however she thinks as well, and that is perhaps one point that we often said...you have no control over another person's thoughts or actions - you cannot change them unless of course they want to change somehow.  The question also might be how to relate to that person to get the best outcome if ever possible. What I think most people including myself, don't like is someone telling them what we think their faults are or how to improve or whatever in a given situation.  The defences go up and we get offended or upset in some manner.  Which doesn't engender a lot of cooperation in the end.  Listen, I had a SIL who was extremely psychologically sick....maybe she was a bit of a psychopath - and our family didn' t have much to do with her because in the end it was quite impossible to deal with her on a realistic level.  She lied but even though we didn't spend time with her (and in fact my brother and she avoided contact with the family and most other human beings in general!) I also tried to understand her.  I knew she was ill or not in touch with reality...she was probably terribly afraid of losing my brother, (and in the end he did die of colon cancer) so she clung to him, controlled him - though he was of the nature to allow himself to be controlled, unfortunately.  It'sa long and convoluted story in our family, but she was very difficult to relate to...so I know  how frustrating it can be to deal with someone who isn't well psychologically.  The thing is, our family pulled back from interacting with my brother and his wife, as much as they pulled away from interacting with the rest of us, but not entirely , but for the most part yes.  We knew we couldn't change her - she would need professional help if indeed she'd ever agree to going for that, but we doubted that would ever happen and it didn't.  

I don't think your case is so similar in that you probably wish to have a harmonious family interaction with your DH's parents  and aren't wishing to just cut them out of your life.  But I am not going to advise you to do this or that at this point since I have no idea what your MIL is truly like.  Except to say that no one likes to be attacked psychologically, that's all. Basically we all wish to be accepted, maybe even understood or at least treated with some sort of compassion.  That I think is the hardest thing to do sometimes!  All the best to you in your endeavours!  

Shirley  

Pages