In need of advice
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|Wed, 04-17-2013 - 8:02am|
I've posted on here before and have gotten much good advice, so here I am again. In a nutshell, I have 4 DDs ages 21 - 29. I live in the midwest, DD29 lives in CA, DD27 lives in NJ, DD25 lives here in my town, but, at the present time, we have no relationship, and DD21 goes to college 45 minutes away. Their father divorced me in 2007 and I feel my relationship with my DDs has disintegrated since that time. They were raised around HIS family and dislike my current husband, so I am always the one left out. I just finished up therapy to which my therapist told me I just need to accept all this. HOW do I do that when I devoted my life to these DDs and aren't DDs usually closer to their mothers than their fathers? Every time I turn around, THEY are together as a family and I'm on the outside looking in. I told dh last night that I feel like all my ex did was replace me. THEY are still a family and I'm alone. I want to be able to accept all this, but the hurt just seems to continue. I don't WANT to hurt anymore, but my body reacts as such when I hear things.
So, anyway, I was on Facebook last night and noticed DD21 posted to DD29, "Can't wait to see you this weekend!". I thought...how is she seeing her? Then I remembered months ago DD29 telling me that she was going to be in Chicago this Spring for a seminar for her job, so if anyone wanted to see her...(Chicago is a 5 hour drive from here). Knowing DD21, she is probably going with her father and stepmother, but never said a word to me. I saw her just 2 weeks ago and she didn't say a WORD. She and I could have driven there and had a fun "girls" weekend with DD29, but, again...she said not a word. DD29 never calls, but I did talk to her at Christmas and her birthday (a month ago as I called HER) and she never mentioned her trip to Chicago. I have a feeling they were all keeping this from mom because they know how hurt I get when they do things as a "family" with their father and won't with me and dh. I posted, "That's THIS weekend?" on Facebook, so they then KNEW that I knew. DD29 just posted back, "This weekend and next." I have no idea how to respond to any of this. I am SO hurt (AGAIN) and just want to pull back from all my DDs. They hate dealing with me because I always get hurt (who wouldn't), so my gut reaction to all this is to just stop communicating with them at all. They sure have no problem ignoring my texts and phone calls when they feel like it, so I figure I can do the same. I had privately messaged DD29 last week "I miss you. That is all." No response. I called her last Sunday...never heard from her. And now THIS. I know I'm supposed to not expect anything from my DDs which is how I'm supposed to accept all this, so if there is a magic pill out there to help me do that, I'd sure like to know because although I know it would help, my heart just breaks every time something like this happens. I wish I could just be numb about it all.
I realize that I forgot she was coming our way (I work for a tax office and got all wrapped up in work), but, don't you all think if she had really wanted to see her mother that she would have asked me last month when I spoke to her if I was coming to see her? That's how I feel...like it doesn't matter to her and, if DD21 had never posted anything on Facebook, that Mom would never have known and they could have had their "family" weekend and Mom would have been none the wiser.
A friend of mine recently put a post on Facebook...something about people who want to be in your life will make the effort. I don't feel like any of my DDs do, so am tired of always being the one to reach out. I know all of my DDs are wrapped up in their own lives (none married or with children, so their lives are all about THEM), so try to remember how selfish and immature they are at this point, but it doesn't make the hurt any less.
At this point, I most likely will shut down and do nothing at all Too hurt. Just the fact neither of my DDs said anything breaks my heart. So, I guess my question is to you all is what would YOU do if anything at all?