In need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
In need of advice
23
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 8:02am

  I've posted on here before and have gotten much good advice, so here I am again.  In a nutshell, I have 4 DDs ages 21 - 29.  I live in the midwest, DD29 lives in CA, DD27 lives in NJ, DD25 lives here in my town, but, at the present time, we have no relationship, and DD21 goes to college 45 minutes away.  Their father divorced me in 2007 and I feel my relationship with my DDs has disintegrated since that time.  They were raised around HIS family and dislike my current husband, so I am always the one left out.  I just finished up therapy to which my therapist told me I just need to accept all this.  HOW do I do that when I devoted my life to these DDs and aren't DDs usually closer to their mothers than their fathers?  Every time I turn around, THEY are together as a family and I'm on the outside looking in.  I told dh last night that I feel like all my ex did was replace me.  THEY are still a family and I'm alone. I want to be able to accept all this, but the hurt just seems to continue.  I don't WANT to hurt anymore, but my body reacts as such when I hear things.

  So, anyway, I was on Facebook last night and noticed DD21 posted to DD29, "Can't wait to see you this weekend!".  I thought...how is she seeing her?  Then I remembered months ago DD29 telling me that she was going to be in Chicago this Spring for a seminar for her job, so if anyone wanted to see her...(Chicago is a  5 hour drive from here).  Knowing DD21, she is probably going with her father and stepmother, but never said a word to me.  I saw her just 2 weeks ago and she didn't say a WORD.  She and I could have driven there and had a fun "girls" weekend with DD29, but, again...she said not a word.  DD29 never calls, but I did talk to her at Christmas and her birthday (a month ago as I called HER) and she never mentioned her trip to Chicago.  I have a feeling they were all keeping this from mom because they know how hurt I get when they do things as a "family" with their father and won't with me and dh.   I posted, "That's THIS weekend?" on Facebook, so they then KNEW that I knew.  DD29 just posted back, "This weekend and next."  I have no idea how to respond to any of this.  I am SO hurt (AGAIN) and just want to pull back from all my DDs.  They hate dealing with me because I always get hurt (who wouldn't), so my gut reaction to all this is to just stop communicating with them at all. They sure have no problem ignoring my texts and phone calls when they feel like it, so I figure I can do the same. I had privately messaged DD29 last week "I miss you.  That is all."  No response.  I called her last Sunday...never heard from her. And now THIS.   I know I'm supposed to not expect anything from my DDs which is how I'm supposed to accept all this, so if there is a magic pill out there to help me do that, I'd sure like to know because although I know it would help, my heart just breaks every time something like this happens. I wish I could just be numb about it all.

  I realize that I forgot she was coming our way (I work for a tax office and got all wrapped up in work), but, don't you all think if she had really wanted to see her mother that she would have asked me last month when I spoke to her if I was coming to see her?  That's how I feel...like it doesn't matter to her and, if DD21 had never posted anything on Facebook, that Mom would never have known and they could have had their "family" weekend and Mom would have been none the wiser. 

  A friend of mine recently put a post on Facebook...something about people who want to be in your life will make the effort.  I don't feel like any of my DDs do, so am tired of always being the one to reach out.  I know all of my DDs are wrapped up in their own lives (none married or with children, so their lives are all about THEM), so try to remember how selfish and immature they are at this point, but it doesn't make the hurt any less.

  At this point, I most likely will shut down and do nothing at all  Too hurt.  Just the fact neither of my DDs said anything breaks my heart.  So, I guess my question is to you all is what would YOU do if anything at all? 

 

Thanks.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 5:01pm

DD29 had every opportunity to tell me the dates she was in Chicago, but didn't.  Chances are, since she talks to her father much more than me, they probably made their arrangements, and since she knows I won't drive 5 hours alone, that I'd want dh to come with me...and she probably wouldn't have been comfortable with that.  So, it is what it is.  She missed an opportunity to see her mother and so be it.  I haven't seen her since last August and it would have been nice to spend time with her, but she apparently didn't care.  Whether I will hear her side of the story, remains to be seen.  I rarely her from her and, when I do, it is very superficial.  We mostly talk about our jobs, her travels,  and other family members and that's pretty much it.

I do resent dh's son living in our basement as it meant when I sold my condo that my 2 youngest DDs had to go live with their father.  He still lives in the big 6 bedroom home we built in 1998, so my DDs moved back into their bedrooms.  Our condo only has one extra bedroom in the basement and dh's son inhabited that. I have made my mistakes, but was so ready to move on with my life and with all my DDs 18 and older, I felt I had a right to do so and since their father still had empty bedrooms, I felt they'd be ok with it.  What's happened?  They've all become one big happy family over there and not with us.  Do I regret it.  You bet.  My biggest regret ever.

By the way, what does P & PT stand for?  I can tell it's something good, so thanks!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 6:45pm
P&PT are prayers & positive thoughts. Hope this helps. Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Fri, 06-20-2014 - 11:44pm

To the original poster -- I have much sympathy for how you feel.   I have a slightly similar situation - my children are younger than yours, but my ex husband has partially alienated me from my children.   My ex is angry that he took me to court over a few issues with the children and I won each time.....he wants to be the one and only parent (my dad, the grandpa, came up with that theory)

Anyhow I have read up on parental alienation syndrome -- perhaps in your case your daughters alienated themselves from you (instead of your ex doing it), but from what I read, it is indeed heartbreaking for the parent and causes anxiety.   You have every right to feel hurt and to miss your daughters.    I also have a theory that perhaps your daughters feed off of one another -- for example, if one daughter is angry with you, perhaps the other daughters follow her lead? Just becuase there are four of them and one of you does Not make them right to be cold to their own mother.  

If it is of comfort, I have read that this is somewhat common.  And, sometimes years later, there is a reconciliation.   I have read that the best thing to do is to keep in touch.....I read you should consider sending them birthday cards, calling at Christmas, exc.  I also read that most parents "give up too early", to keep in occasional touch with your children, and they eventually may come around.

I also read that it is important to keep the rest of your family close (do you have aunts, uncles, sisters, exc.).....if it is any concilation, (sp.).....your daughters are missing out by bypassing the chance to have a loving relationship with their mother.  Their loss.

When your daughters say you chose your new husband over them, I agree with the other poster that that is somewhat selfish on the daughters part.   Most people like to be married, to have the companionship and someone to love.    You have a right to have a relationship/marriage.     In my situation, I admit I am happiest when I DON't contact my oldest child.  When I email or talk to my oldest child, they are cold toward me.    I've decided that isn't good for me, to be around my oldest child when she acts cocky and cold.     Read up on parental alienation syndrome and you will see you are not alone.....also, if one of your daughters is more welcoing than the others......hang on to those warm moments.    And remind yourself -- you have love to give, and your daughters are missing out.  hugs!!

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