Need a little advice here, grown daughter who can't move out due to illness

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2011
Need a little advice here, grown daughter who can't move out due to illness
9
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 1:47am

I have an interesting situation that I have been dealing with for a while. My daughter is 31 years old and lives at home with me and my new husband. I was recently married January 5th.

She and I are both disabled and have lived alone and supported each other since 2007.

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2011
Thank you so much Shirley, I tend to agree about her being unhappy. We did have a talk about it and I do know that she doesn't feel well. She also is trying to solidify a relationship with a young man in Alaska. I do believe she needs therapy so sort a lot of these things out. Either way, I'm going to be there for her. She has agreed to go to therapy as long as it's the right one. She went once before and that was a disaster! Some therapists simply do not know how to listen. My nick name is "the family therapist" LOL, everyone comes to me for everything...I'm overwhelmed. I'll keep you posted for sure! Anyone else is welcome to comment...nice to be here!
Tammy
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

Hi again, Tammy,

Our board has been very quiet the past few days....everyone must be quite busy - or may not feel they have much to post about. But we are a small number of members of this board - so maybe if you've lurked here, you've noticed that there isn't a great deal of board activity daily, but it's not all so quiet usually...we have enough posting activity to keep in touch.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Hi Tammy, I want to welcome you to the board and apologize for not responding to your post. I've been very busy lately (I posted an update in the "More Snow" thread up in Daily Chit Chat) but I've been thinking about your situation and I will post some thoughts as soon as I have time to compose a reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2011
Aww thanks Shirley...yes that is me! I'm 52...my body tells me that every day! Yikes! Yes, I do plan to stay, I like it here so far and I've been looking for a board where I can just talk ya know? Elc11, thank you too for the wonderful welcome.
Tammy
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

Tammy, that's what we mainly do here...just chat about 'whatever'.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Hi Tammy,

Welcome to the board. Sorry, I wasn't here sooner but things are busy in life. We have a few things in common. I have a 31 yr DD (along with 2 boys),I have Fibromyalgia and I also care for my aging parents. I have been able to keep working in spite of my pain, foggy days, etc.. My family calls me the energizer bunny. I just keep on going as it's too hard to stop. My eldest son also has Fibromyalgia. He is an amazing role model for dealing with this illness. He is 28 and has had it for 18 yrs. At 10, it was so severe that he couldn't even roll over in bed as the pain was so bad. He is in amazing shape, watches everything he eats, does either yoga, hiking, climbing at least 4/5 times a week and refuses to focus on the negative. He has little pain unless he loses sleep, gets upset or doesn't exercise. He is the model child for controlling this horrible disease. I'm on the other hand - overweight, in high stress life, get little sleep or exercise. My bad!

Your DD does seem unhappy & it's so hard to watch our children suffer but you sound like you have a wonderful new start in your life. I hope you can find a therapist that works for her. But....she needs to focus on her own life. She isn't 16 & I know you are close. Pls be careful that you aren't enabling her negative, critical behaviour. I realized about 6 mths ago that I was allowing my DD to let me carry her burdens and she wasn't realizing just how capable she is. Frankly, I suspect she isn't as happy as when I was the one worried about everything, reminding her to do what was needed, pushing her when she needed pushing & catching her when she fell. Truth is, that I've got less stress and she is very capable of handling all of her problems. I will always be there to listen or catch her when she falls but she needed to butt out of my life & I needed to let her be responsible for her own happiness.

Your DD needs to accept that most of us normal people aren't perfect. We do things that annoy others & that she needs to accept this. It won't be easy but even if she loves your DH, she likely feels that he is taking you away from her even if she doesn't attempt it even to herself.

I wish you a wonderful weekend & hope things are looking up for you.

Dee

PS: I'm also a Canadian & have been married for almost 36 yrs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2011
Thank you so much Dee! It's been very stressful. She does admit that she needs counseling which will at least get her on her way to understanding what is going on with her. She has physical problems as well as psychological issues. It is truly wearing me out! I'll keep you posted as to how things are going!
Thanks so much!
Tammy
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000

Tammy, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing?