Need opinion ASAP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Need opinion ASAP
21
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 12:44pm

Hi, it's me again.  You're probably getting tired of me.  Well, I'm looking for advice again.  You know the history of my son and DIL.  Well, they were supposed to bring our grandbaby here this weekend and now their plans have changed and they're not coming.  We have been looking so forward to this.  We have been very patient because they've been very busy and with the issues they were having we didn't want to push it.  Well, it's getting to be like once a month we are seeing her.  (You may recall me mentioning they are only 80 miles away.)   They aren't coming here, they say, but we can come there.  Well, in almost 5 months of our grandbaby's life she's been here only 3 times, and one of them was a very short visit.  We are tired of this.  I have put together an e-mail to send to my son (to the both of them)  My husband has proofed and critiqued it and I even had my other son's girfriend look at it and she thinks we're being reasonable.  BUT, I am so afraid my DIL is going to go off the deep end.  The biggest point we are making in this letter is that they are not just keeping dgd from us, but from her great-grandparents as well.  My in-laws live here, by us.  MIL is asking when baby is coming again.  I don't have to tell you that with old people we don't know what's going to happen, and my son understands this.  So, I'm hoping this letter will get that point across that this isn't just for us, but for them.  I need to send this e-mail really soon, if I'm going to send it.  Like I said, I'm just afraid DIL will go off the deep end and then keep her from us.  I don't think she would be that mean, but I just don't know.  WDYT?   Thanks!   Oh, and we already offered to go and get her and bring her home again, that didn't work. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 1:33pm

Do they give any explanantion as to why they changed their minds about coming? Could it be something came up or they were tired? If the baby isn't sleeping thru the nite they could just have been tired. Maybe they just ddn't feel like traveling with the baby cause she's teething and cranky. Is there any reason you and your husband can't go see them? Maybe take turns like if they come there one time then you go by them the next? We lived 6 hours away from family when our kids were young and we took turns with the grandparents going to see each other. I always felt they had the easy drive because they didn't have to pack a porta crib, diapers, toys ect for the trip, or put up with cranky little ones in the back seat. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 1:51pm

It's none of the above.  Their plans for going away for the weekend changed, so they are staying home.  Oh, yes, they say that we can come.  We don't have a problem doing that, but, they say they are having friends over Sat. night so AGAIN, our visit gets cut short!!!!!!   Besides, there are so many people here, my other two sons and their significant others, my in-laws, my brother and wife, husband's sister and husband.  The list goes on and on.  These people have barely seen her since she's been born.  If they would just bring her here then they could all see her.  My youngest son is leaving for college this weekend.  I wanted to be home to see him off.  At the same time, if baby came here that son and his gf could see her before they leave. They haven't seen her in like two months, and who knows when they will see her again, because she has to be here in order for them to see her, they have a distance to travel already!   Other grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle and great grandma live in the town where they live.  It just burns me to think of the sheer number of hours that they've spent with her versus how much time we've had.  Even if we go there it's still a month at a time because they're gone so much!!!   Oh, and I have everything they need here for the baby.  All they need to bring is clothes and formula.  A lot of good it's doing, none of it is getting used. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 1:54pm

Also, as I said, we did offer to go and get grandbaby, that would be so much less work for them.  Lots of driving for us, but we don't mind.  Nope, didn't work. 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 2:46pm

You're making me sad/guilty that I didn't visit my parents more when ds was teeny - we're 300 miles from where they lived and we'd go about quarterly or so; it wasn't easy to get away with work, local family obligations and other stuff.

Sue

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 4:00pm

You make a good point about your son's side of the family all being in your area, and when the baby is at your house then all of those relatives have the opportunity to see her if they want to. The part about youngest son leaving for college next week is most significant, assuming that he really cares about seeing his niece (are you sure that he does?). In that case I probably would tell ds that you would really like to see the baby at your house for one of the weekend days, for the above reason. If staying the whole weekend is too much for them for whatever reason, a round trip of 160 miles in one day is not unreasonable. I guess send the email, or talk with your ds on the phone. I don't think you can spend the next 18 years tiptoeing around your DIL in case she won't let you see your dgd---and yes I remember about her moods and anger etc.

As to the disparity in time spent with the different sets of grandparents, that is something that you will have to accept. Its pretty common. There is often a disparity in what grandparents can give financially too. The grandparents really have to remember that its not a competition, and develop an attitude of "it is what it is" about those things, and hope that it evens out over the course of the childhood.

Let us know how it turns out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 5:30pm

I'm sorry, but you must not have read all of my posts.  It is only 80 miles, that is a far cry from 300.  It can be done in a day.  We are not saying they even have to come here.  We are willing to come get the baby, bring her to our house, and take her back the next day.  All they have to do is pack up some clothes and formula,  and bottles for her.  I have diapers, wipes, pack n play, toys, swing, jumperoo, and a high chair here for her.  I even have a stroller.  What more can I do to pull out the welcome mat?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 5:37pm

My youngest son cares a lot about seeing his niece, that is partly why this is happening.  He hasn't seen her for two months, and who knows when it will be again.  Thanksgiving???  Christmas???  It just isn't right.  I texted my son instead of sending the e-mail, I chickened out.  I was too afraid DIL would flip out.   I told him in the text about how all of us would like to see  her, and the only way that could happen is if she comes here.  He is going to talk to his wife, and see if they can still come.  I can only hope for the best.  I just don't get what the problem is.  I don't like putting my son in this difficult position, with her moods.  I just hope she can find it some place in her heart to understand.   Luckily I do have my youngest son here too who I can talk to about it.  He feels very bad for us, and also really wants to see the baby.    Thank you for your response, it is appreciated!

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 8:19pm

I did, but 80 miles is still almost 1.5 hours which can be difficult to travel with a little one - sometimes they're fussy, sometimes teething, etc.  Doable but easier to just stay put. (we used to meet my parents 'half way' - more like 2/3 of the way for them and 1/3 for us, in Springfield, IL and even that could be difficult sometimes) And that didn't mean we didn't want to see my parents or have them have time with their only grandchild. Logistics just weren't always good.

Sue

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 8:47pm

ONLY 80 miles???  Are you kidding??  Do you realize how much time that ACTUALLY takes, with a 4.5 month old baby???  You cannot feed, change, or comfort a baby in a MOVING car.  You cannot take a baby out of a carseat, in a moving car.  And many babies do NOT like riding in cars.  They do NOT fall asleep.  They scream.  They vomit.  And then you need to stop the car AGAIN.  So 80 miles could take 3 hours--at LEAST.

And after all this, they get to your house, where all those relatives who are DYING to see the baby are lined up, to pass her around like a pack of smokes.  Or do you expect your son and dil to drive to all the relatives houses, during their daytrip, also???

Then the parents have to turn around and do it all over again, going home.  Where they will arrive with a baby who is like an overwound clock, at some ridiculously late hour. 

And let's not forget your son is working, and this kills one of his 2 days off.

I think you are being selfish, and unbelievably inconsiderate of both the parents AND the child. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 9:18pm

Wow, sabrtooth, thanks for the lecture!  I wasn't born yesterday I used to travel plenty with my little ones to both sets of grandparents.  I don't recall if you were in on my posts about my son and DIL, but if you read them you might remember a few things.  My son and DIL have done A LOT of traveling with this baby.  They have gone on 4 and 5 hour car rides with her to 5 weddings and many family functions on DIL's side of the family.   So, really, I am being selfish because I want them to travel 1 and 1/2 hours????   ALSO, in this thread I have stated more than once that we were more than willing to drive the 1 1/2 hours there and back in one day and do the same thing the next to make it easier for them, then they would not have to come here and could have time to themselves at home.   I don't know how much easier I can make this for them.  Do you seriously think that we should tell my in-laws, ages 77 and 80 that we "just don't know when their great-granddaughter is ever coming again?"  They are in frail health and would just like to see her more than once every two months.  We do NOT expect them to stop at any other relatives houses except my in-laws who live 3 miles from us.   "Passing her around like a pack of smokes."  That's another good one.  How disgusting!!!  There will not be THAT many people here at once, you have no idea what you are talking about, you don't know what our plan is and I don't appreciate how judgmental you are being.   My DIL is the selfish one, because she obviously thinks that her family and their friends are more important than us, since they are willing to travel FURTHER to see those people.  Excuse me now, while I go tidy up my house because they are coming tomorrow. 

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