Newbie to this board! DD's boyfriend is a thief! How to handle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Newbie to this board! DD's boyfriend is a thief! How to handle?
8
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:39pm

Hi ,

I am new to this board, I am 51 and have DS23 and DD20, both of whom still live at home while attending school.  Oh and DH is there too.

My recent dilemma is that my DD's boyfriend of 4 months has a questionable background and it looks very much like he was the one whom stole my IPAD :-(  My DD does not want to see it that way and it will most definitely put a wedge between us. 

My question to you all is what is the best way to handle this?  Up till now, he was welcomed to our home, now, however, I have said I do  not want him there.  I have no idea how bad this will be for my daughter?  She is sure he didn't do it! 

Any advise will be greatly appreciated!

Best,

Cheryl

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Welcome to the board Cheryl. This is a tough issue and I certainly don't have an easy answer. I'm guessing that you did not have the tracking enabled on the iPad?

I wouldn't want the bf around my house either if I felt strongly that he had stolen from my home, or if I knew for certain that he was a thief.

If the iPad disappeared from inside your house, what is your dd's explanation for what happened to it? Is there any other logical explanation for how it disappeared? Do you think that a seed of doubt has been planted in her mind and heart?

I think that maintaining a good relationship with my dd would be more important than an electronic device, so maybe you can say that you don't want either of your kids having friends over when your or your dh are not at home, until this gets resolved. You're not pointing your finger directly at the bf but its a way to keep him out of the house. Hopefully that isn't enough to launch a Romeo and Juliet scenario. If she brings him over anyway then you have a different issue...

And you'd better keep anything of value (that's small enough to discreetly heist) secured when you're not using it. Its possible that it wasn't the bf and you don't want to lose anything else. Maybe some of the other members will have some suggestions for you. Good luck in getting this resolved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Hi Elc, thank you for your response!

During the 4 months that DD has been "hanging" out with him, he was charged with and convicted of stealing his father's expensive drum set to pawn and buy drugs! He went to jail for 2 weeks and he is back with his parents under their house rules (is tested frequently) He has started taking college courses (one week in) and my dd is supporting his *recovery*

Also, 2 weeks ago, my daughter did some babysitting and was planning on paying me back some money she owed me and from the time she was paid (midnight) to the morning when she was bringing the money, some of it was *lost*.... she said she does not want to believe *He* would take it!

Also, even though the back door of my house was left open, we live in a very safe neighborhood and I have a very large German Shepherd, whom would have a problem with a stranger coming in and taking just that one device. The BF had opportunity and based on his recent struggle with drugs, me and DH are 99.9% sure it was him.

So far, this is what we have told her, no one allowed at the house. We are on lock down. But I know she is very upset with me that I dont' believe him. This is the 2nd bottom feeder boyfriend she has had and I just don't get it! Both me and my husband have successful careers and have had a very loving and nurturing home. This is breaking my heart :-(
Avatar for nora_mcl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011

I don't have any experience in this either, Cheryl. But I would think that your questions to your daughter-both about the money she was "missing" & the iPad that was not there-would make her think a bit. At the age of 20, you can't do much more. But also-the age of 20 isn't far off the years of teenaged rebellion. Perhaps her boyfriend judgements will improve as she leaves the rebellion years behind? One would hope so.

In the meantime-locking doors when you aren't home is a reasonable thing to do. And if things go missing when they are home (I assume she has a house key)perhaps you will have to enforce the "no-one here unless a parent is here too" rule that you probably had when she was 15 or 16.

Nora

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

It does sound like you have plenty of good reasons to believe that the bf is responsible...funny that your dd doesn't see those same things, but like they say "love is blind". 

My dd had several loser bf's over the years. We usually tried to "kill them with kindness" by inviting them to dinner at the house, out to dinner in restaurants, etc. If his appeal was that we were supposed to dislike him then we defused that strategy. Eventually dd would see the contrast between their behavior (poor social skills, atrocious table manners, etc) and the way that she was raised, and she would realize that the bf's edginess wasn't enough. Do you suppose that killing him with kindness when you are at home would help to open your dd's eyes to the bf's less desirable traits?

Just wondering, where do you live that its safe to leave the doors unlocked when nobody is home?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Thank you for your response. DD is still behaving as a teen, even though we try more and more to not "parent" I am just really worried that she is somehow "fulfilled" by having someone in her life that "needs" her ("the only one who sees the true him"), does this kind of manipulation really work?

As for smothering with kindness? That's what I did after he got out of jail. I tried really hard to be supportive and encouraging, and it got me nowhere, my IPad is gone! Now I really don't know how I can accept him in our life since I flat out accused him.

I keep hoping she will come to her senses!

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

My dd had one of those bf's too, unfortunately it lasted for more than a year. They just have to grow up enough to see clearly how some of these guys manipulate...and some women never do see it. Hopefully your dd will get wiser with age.

Did you accuse the bf to his face of taking the iPad? In that case I guess the kindness routine wouldn't come off as very sincere then LOL. 

For how long do you expect your dd to continue living at home?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Some things to think about...

If bf is stealing from you AND his gf, he has not "recovered".  He is stealing to buy drugs.  He is USING the drugs he buys.  If your dd is with him, he may be using drugs while he is with her.  He is definitely introducing her to the lifestyle.  If he is driving when she is with him, he may be driving impaired.  He probably has drugs on him, and may have drugs in the car.  If he is pulled over, since he has shown disregard for your dd before, by stealing from her, he may hide drugs on her, or claim that drugs or works found in the car are HERS.  She could be arrested.  If she is driving YOUR car, and she is pulled over and they find drugs in the car, the car may be impounded.

Since you have told her he cannot come over anymore, she is obviously going to be spending more unsupervised time with him, doing God knows what.  And finally, if your dd is rebellious and possibly easily led, SHE may begin experimenting with drugs.  REMEMBER--not everyone who uses pot goes on to harder drugs.  BUT EVERYONE WHO USES HARD DRUGS STARTED WITH POT.

This is not simply the case of a boyfriend you don't like.  This is a danger to your dd.  I would sit her down and explain these hard truths to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
I always wonder in these cassed "could I be wrong about what I think the BFdid or didn't do"? Somebody told me once "go with what you know", is this case you are pretty sure but do not know. I am sure you have your DD thinking about it, but my experience DD's stand by their BF until after the break up, then they will tell what they actually thought. Either way I would NOT want him in my house!! The likely hood of an unknown thief taking only this one item is very slim, but could it have been somebody else that was at your house? Or it is possible it has been missplaced?

PS: love your "bottom feeder" reference to the BF, I may have to use that one:smileyhappy: