Thanks to Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thanks to Dee
6
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 2:27pm

  Before Christmas, I posted about my DDs and got much good advice.  However, I wanted to let Dee know that it was HER post which helped me the most...to see the other side of divorce...through the child's eyes.  I, like her mother, has changed (my DDs have all told me that).  I went from being a doormat, always putting THEIR feelings first, to now being a mom who stands up and says, "I won't tolerate that." ( I DID learn this from dh...one of the many things I admire about him.)  I demand respect now from my DDs and, unfortunately, they have none for me.  So, I am back in counseling, but feel my DD25 needs it as well.  She has dug in her heels and refuses to accept my new dh (long story) and actually said yesterday to my face, "You have chosen HIM over US."  Isn't that something that a 5 year old would say?  I just see no hope in the near future for us.  She has been vicious and mean to me for 4 years and I've had enough.  Dee...I basically used what your counselor told you.  I told my DD that I wasn't ever going to be the mom she used to know and she could either accept me for who I am or walk away.  I know, for now, she has chosen to walk away.  It breaks my heart, but I just couldn't take the pain and the hurt she continues to inflict on me.  She chose not to see me at Christmas and then still expected a Christmas present from me.  Last year, she told me that just coming to my house on Christmas Eve WAS my Christmas present.  Even my counselor told me I was fully within my boundaries to take a break from this DD.  I hated to do it, but I couldn't take her abuse anymore.  I wish, Dee, like you, she would see a counselor as well.  She was always my kindest, biggest hearted child, and she has changed...and NOT for the better.  I cannot believe the way she talks to me...to telling me I'm "f-uped" in the head and that she and her sisters talk s*** about me behind my back because I'm psycho.  Enough is enough.  :(  

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 7:59pm

I"m sorry that you have lost your dd right now. She is an adult & while it's hard for her, she will have to decide how to have an adult relationship with her Mom. My heart goes out to you both. Even if you hadn't changed, your daughters would think you abandoned them by chosing to be with someone else. This is a no win situation unfortunately.

Your daughter feels betrayed & she is having to cope with the fact that she doesn't have a "mom" anymore so her 5 yr old self is coming out. You are still her mother but not the "mom" she grew up with. It is hard to break from your parents & most do it gradually as they grew up. Death or divorce forces this change quickly. My 5 yr old self is there sometimes with my Mom, the difference is that I'm mature enough (I hope) to keep my comments to myself but the pain is still there. I miss the family I had before my Dad died but life moves on & I can accept/deal with that but it's because I have no choice not because I want to. Hope you can understand the difference & understand the pain your dds will always feel.

Just one final comment, IMO respect is earned not demanded & it takes time to earn it. If you let your kids walk all over you before & now are standing up for yourself, don't expect immediate respect. It will take time to accept that you have changed.

Wishing you a happier 2013, Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 7:46am

 Thanks, Dee.  Understanding where she's coming from helps.  I still think she'd benefit from counseling, but I doubt she'd go.  I tried to get her to go during the divorce, but she refused. 

The really sad thing for me is how my girls all feel so comfortable with their father and his new wife...like THEY are "the family" now and I'm just the outcast.  My counselor told me I'm going to have to accept the fact that he's the favored parent.  How do I do that when I was the favored parent before?  The ex said during the divorce that it felt like us 5 girls "over here" and HIM over "there".  Now I know how that feels, but it's worse.  HE'S got "the family" and I don't.  :(  THIS is what I struggle with the most along with my DDs thinking I'm psycho.  :(  Sure glad I have an appt. with my counselor today.  I'm SO sad at how things have turned out with my DDs.  My sister and my SIL all have DDs who are around similar ages to my children, but are married with children and they have such close relationships with them.  Of course, THEY'RE families weren't ripped apart by divorce.  When their kids come home, they come HOME...to a family intact.  I envy them.  That's all I ever wanted.  I know part of this is dh's fault, but I've tried to get my girls to understand that he IS who he is...whether they like it or not, but by not coming to my house, they hurt ME.  I know I just need to wait until they mature, but I sure miss them and miss what we used to have. 

  I hope YOU have a great 2013 as well. 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: elc11
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 11:22am

Startingover, I'm sorry to hear that the situation with your dd25 has taken this turn. I guess it was inevitable, we can only take it for so long when someone treats us with no respect. Sometimes a break is the best thing, so both parties can reflect on their relationship with the other person.

Good that you are seeing your counselor today to help you work through this. I hope that you can feel some more peace with your decision. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 1:39pm

  Thanks, Elc.  I hope so, too.  I do know it will take time.

 Dh said that the other night, too...that it will take time.  He's Mr. Hardcore parent and takes NO s*** from anyone, especially his kids, so yes...I have learned from him.  And, as hard as I've seen him be on his boys, they DO respect him. He kicked his DS29 out of the car one time for verbally bashing him and told him not to ask him for another thing and has kicked his DS20 out of the house 3 times for using drugs.  I admire him so much.  He demands respect and gets it from HIS kids.  And yet, his DS29 calls him weekly and, as little as his boys have, they still managed to give him and me a small gift at Christmas.  I rarely hear from my DDs and only one gave me a Christmas present.  I honestly did something VERY wrong in raising them.  

Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 6:36pm

This certainly may sound like a gross understatement, but it sounds like everyone involved is experiencing emotional pain.  I have a friend who often says "Angry outbursts, and the like is but a cry for love".  (Or something to that effect... I can't recall her exact words but that is the substance to what she says).  So your DD25 is feeling extreme anger but also extreme hurt and in effect is really wanting love (or understanding with love, I guess you could say).  I think you scratch anger thinly and underneath you find hurt. Anger is just a cover up.

So I think that is to be kept in mind.  No matter how hurtful, how nasty your DD's words, I think it is covering up her own huge hurt.  Not to say that her perception is based on truth and reality...that yes, she's probably acting like a 5 year old because she feels (and is thinking) like a 5 year old.  If you keep this in mind, then maybe you can see the underlying truth of her hurt to her angry nasty outbursts.  You can still stand up for yourself but temper it with compassion for what your DD is feeling (but not really expressing).  

I just think it sounds like everyone is in their own little corners hurting like mad and eveyone is wanting to be loved...only it may not seem that way when people lash out in anger.

That's just my assessment of how things sound to be from what I've read in your latest posts.  I do wish for a happy ending to this pain for all of you - a restoration of your affection for each other.

Shirley

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 1:42pm

  Shirley,

   There's not a doubt in my mind that your assement of my situation is correct.  I've been in pain since the divorce in regards to my DDs...feeling like they love their father and his family more than they do me (I have no family here, so they were raised around his). They have denied this, but their actions, to me, have spoken louder than their words.

Most of the problems really started though when I met dh and my children backed off almost immediately because of their dislike of him.  My 2 middle DDs have both told me that the reason they don't like to come to my house is because of HIM, not ME.  So, at least I can take comfort in that fact that they DO love me, but it also saddens me that they refuse to be part of my new family (dh) as he is all I have here in the midwest.   As I told my counselor last night, all I want is to be at peace and be happy.  I know what I need to do is just accept that my DDs hate my dh and won't be a big part of my life anymore, but it absolutely breaks my heart.  My DD25 even said to me that NONE of them would ever come over for Christmas anymore (which obviously wasn't true since DD21 DID), and was THAT how I wanted to spend the rest of my life??  Wow.  Talk about an ultimatum.  

Having the big heart that DD25 had, the divorce effected her the most and then when I met dh, I know she felt abandoned and yet...at age 21 at that time, I thought she'd be ok.  Obviously, I was wrong.  I wish she'd attend a counseling session with me and really open up, but I doubt she would.  I see my counselor again next week and hopefully, she'll help me figure out where to go from here in regards to this DD.  I gave my DD a choice and she has made it.  I will miss her and continue to worry about her...

I agree with Elc that perhaps this break will cause her to reflect on how to have a relationship with this "new" mom.  DD27 was hurt by me 4 years ago and didn't speak to me for a year and a half, and she finally came around and we've been fine since...for the most part.  I never quit contacting her...just continued to let her know I was still in her life and still loved her and she finally came around on her own.  I hope for the same with DD25, so just need to be patient.  

I need to remember the Serenity prayer more often and accept those things I cannot change...

Thanks again and have a great weekend!