Update and "I don't get it"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Update and "I don't get it"
12
Sat, 06-22-2013 - 10:44am

  So, recently things have been going better with DDs.  I called all my DDs Memorial Day weekend and had really nice talks with them.  DD29 broke up with her SO of 5 years (he was an artist who she supported).  We all saw it coming, but we did like him.  She admitted to me (and SHE couldn't believe it) that when she decided to start dating again, she's gonna look for someone who's "more of a provider".  lol  I told her I understood.  Anyway, so we had this great talk and haven't talked to her since.  Now, HERE'S the "I don't get it" part...

This week I had to fill out insurance forms at work, so needed all DDs Social Security numbers.  That's all.  So, I sent out a bulk text letting them know this.  The 3 younger ones got right back to me, but not the oldest.  I called her that night and left her a voicemail...still nothing.  This morning, I was on Facebook, so Instant Messaged her.  No response and I noticed she got off immediately once I did that.  Honestly, I don't get it.  I have no idea what I did to deserve this when I thought we were "ok" after our visit Memorial Day.  I even emailed her a few days later...no response.  She uses work as an excuse, but I told her once that she may be busy, but has a family who loves her and would like to hear from her now and then.  To me, this feels like she's deliberately ignoring me for some reason and I thought we were ok.  She told me she and DD27 are both coming home for Christmas Which immediately caused me anxiety as holidays are hard since the divorce.  I had already planned on spending Christmas with my family in AZ, but of course I can't do that when I rarely see my DDs.  So, I let them know I'd stay home and DD29 even said she's stay at my house, but needed to understand why her sister (DD27) won't and I do.  I thought that was very nice of her.  So, why would she be ignoring me now? This morning especially was very blatant...I message her, she gets offline. 

On a positive note, DD27 who lives in NJ called me last night to let me know that she & fiancee are starting the wedding planning.  The wedding will be in October, 2014 either in NJ, Delaware, or PA...wherever they find a place to have it. They want an outdoor wedding, so are going to look at farms and Bed & Breakfasts.  She asked me what kind of part I wanted to play in her wedding planning and I told her whatever part she wanted me to.  She and & fiancee are at an age where I'm sure THEY will do it together, but his parents are THERE, so his mother I'm sure will get to play a larger part in all this than I will which I can't help it...makes me a bit sad.  On the other hand, I feel for the woman...she doesn't have any daughters, just 2 sons, so I need not be greedy.  lol  I did tell my DD, since I have 4 DDs, I'd be happy to share.  :)  I did tell her that if she wanted me to when she goes to pick out her dress, that I would fly out to join her.  That's something I'd like to be there for.  Yes, it would cost, but some moments are priceless.  :)  She did say that since all 4 sisters will be here for Christmas that maybe we could spend a couple days going to bridal shops and look at bridesmaid dresses.  She also asked  if we should include her grandmother (my ex-MIL) in the fun and I said absolutely. She and I are still close (she never condoned what her son did by divorcing me) and she doesn't have any daughters herself, so has never gotten to experience any of this.  I'm sure she'd love it.  :)

The hard part about all this is that, as my DD put it, this is a "destination" wedding for many family members, especially hers.  (Her fiance also has relatives in Florida, but they have money, so can afford to come My family is predominantly in Iowa and AZ).  I have a sister who is poor as are all her adult kids, so my DD doesn't even know whether to invite them or not.  So, here's the question...do you invite people you know full well can't afford to come or not?  She said they're keeping their wedding small (120 people is SMALL??).  My parents also can't afford to go, so that let's them out.  I know my ex-MIL will go (she has so much money she even told me she wanted to take a vacation with ME and she'll pay!) and also my ex's 2 brothers and their wives.  My younger brother and his wife have already said they'd go, so at least I'll have them there.  Other than that, it will just be me and dh from MY side of the family.  :( 

It DID make me sad when my DD talked about how "close" her fiancee's family is meaning ours is not.  I admit, not living around my own family my entire adult life was hard and how can you instill the closeness of a family in your children when they don't live close by.  My DDs hardly know my family.  I asked DD21 to go with me to AZ and I could tell she didn't really want to for that very reason.  She does have 2 cousins there who are 22 and 26, but they are both married and each have 2 kids which is totally not of interest to my DD who is in college.  Speaking of kids, my family is all about kids and my DD27 said there will definitely be no kids at their wedding.  I know she has mentioned her fiancee's cousins' kids and she's not impressed and obviously doesn't want them there.  Kids are important in MY family, so have always been invited to weddings, but they're all far away anyway, so it's a non-issue.  My poor ex-MIL said last time we were together that she was beginning to wonder if she'd EVER get great-grandchildren (she has 8 grandhchildren ages 21-29...none married or with kids).  I told her MY parents have 14 great-grandchildren. ( My sister is only 3 years older than I am - 56 and has 10 grandchildren.) They'd probably be happy to share.  lol

Sorry this was so long.  Guess I was in a chatty mood.  I just wish I knew why my DD29 isn't responding to me.  At any rate, I'm done trying.  If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number, etc...but she seems to be sending a loud message to me. 

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

Dee,

   It really helps me to hear both sides, so thank you.  Just know, when you are ready to talk about your mom, I'm here. 

   As for my DDs and their stepmother, I'm sure they like her just fine.  She has nothing against them because they've done nothing to hurt her spouse.  They live in the house my DDs grew up in, where they feel comfortable and HE has "the family".  I don't.  I'm still hoping to go to AZ at Thanksgiving as I can't stand the thought of knowing my DDs will be be part of THEIR Thanksgiving dinner once again with their father and his family and not with me. I just don't count anymore.  :( I am doing as my counselor says and contact them when I actually have something to say to them, but that's all.  I told my counselor what bothers me is I seem to do all the work in my relationship with my daughters and I get tired.  That's all.  She did tell me that my DDs, even in their 20's are not as mature as I was at those same ages.  I was already married with 3 kids, a husband, and a mortgage.  They have none of those things.  So, I wait. 

As for taking care of me, I told DD27 right to her face that it was MY job to take care of THEM, and the last thing I wanted was for THEM  to take of me, so they should be grateful I remarried and have someone to do that.  But, I also know as parents age, the kids end up taking care of them.  Just the way it is.

I hope you respond.  I care.  {{{Dee}}}

 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

It would be interesting to see a poll where adult daughters are asked how they feel about their mothers' new SO/spouse, and why. Of women I know who are divorced or widowed, some have dd's who do not accept the presence of the new man---even if their father died when the dd was an adult. Yet in other families the dd's embrace the new man or are at least happy for their mother that she has somebody. In all of these situations the mother spent at least a couple of years alone and had a good relationship with the dd before the new man came into the picture. I just wonder why some dd's can accept it, and others can't?

I do hope that both of you (Dee and Startingover) are able to resolve the mother/daughter difficulties eventually.

Pages