Update and "I don't get it"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Update and "I don't get it"
12
Sat, 06-22-2013 - 10:44am

  So, recently things have been going better with DDs.  I called all my DDs Memorial Day weekend and had really nice talks with them.  DD29 broke up with her SO of 5 years (he was an artist who she supported).  We all saw it coming, but we did like him.  She admitted to me (and SHE couldn't believe it) that when she decided to start dating again, she's gonna look for someone who's "more of a provider".  lol  I told her I understood.  Anyway, so we had this great talk and haven't talked to her since.  Now, HERE'S the "I don't get it" part...

This week I had to fill out insurance forms at work, so needed all DDs Social Security numbers.  That's all.  So, I sent out a bulk text letting them know this.  The 3 younger ones got right back to me, but not the oldest.  I called her that night and left her a voicemail...still nothing.  This morning, I was on Facebook, so Instant Messaged her.  No response and I noticed she got off immediately once I did that.  Honestly, I don't get it.  I have no idea what I did to deserve this when I thought we were "ok" after our visit Memorial Day.  I even emailed her a few days later...no response.  She uses work as an excuse, but I told her once that she may be busy, but has a family who loves her and would like to hear from her now and then.  To me, this feels like she's deliberately ignoring me for some reason and I thought we were ok.  She told me she and DD27 are both coming home for Christmas Which immediately caused me anxiety as holidays are hard since the divorce.  I had already planned on spending Christmas with my family in AZ, but of course I can't do that when I rarely see my DDs.  So, I let them know I'd stay home and DD29 even said she's stay at my house, but needed to understand why her sister (DD27) won't and I do.  I thought that was very nice of her.  So, why would she be ignoring me now? This morning especially was very blatant...I message her, she gets offline. 

On a positive note, DD27 who lives in NJ called me last night to let me know that she & fiancee are starting the wedding planning.  The wedding will be in October, 2014 either in NJ, Delaware, or PA...wherever they find a place to have it. They want an outdoor wedding, so are going to look at farms and Bed & Breakfasts.  She asked me what kind of part I wanted to play in her wedding planning and I told her whatever part she wanted me to.  She and & fiancee are at an age where I'm sure THEY will do it together, but his parents are THERE, so his mother I'm sure will get to play a larger part in all this than I will which I can't help it...makes me a bit sad.  On the other hand, I feel for the woman...she doesn't have any daughters, just 2 sons, so I need not be greedy.  lol  I did tell my DD, since I have 4 DDs, I'd be happy to share.  :)  I did tell her that if she wanted me to when she goes to pick out her dress, that I would fly out to join her.  That's something I'd like to be there for.  Yes, it would cost, but some moments are priceless.  :)  She did say that since all 4 sisters will be here for Christmas that maybe we could spend a couple days going to bridal shops and look at bridesmaid dresses.  She also asked  if we should include her grandmother (my ex-MIL) in the fun and I said absolutely. She and I are still close (she never condoned what her son did by divorcing me) and she doesn't have any daughters herself, so has never gotten to experience any of this.  I'm sure she'd love it.  :)

The hard part about all this is that, as my DD put it, this is a "destination" wedding for many family members, especially hers.  (Her fiance also has relatives in Florida, but they have money, so can afford to come My family is predominantly in Iowa and AZ).  I have a sister who is poor as are all her adult kids, so my DD doesn't even know whether to invite them or not.  So, here's the question...do you invite people you know full well can't afford to come or not?  She said they're keeping their wedding small (120 people is SMALL??).  My parents also can't afford to go, so that let's them out.  I know my ex-MIL will go (she has so much money she even told me she wanted to take a vacation with ME and she'll pay!) and also my ex's 2 brothers and their wives.  My younger brother and his wife have already said they'd go, so at least I'll have them there.  Other than that, it will just be me and dh from MY side of the family.  :( 

It DID make me sad when my DD talked about how "close" her fiancee's family is meaning ours is not.  I admit, not living around my own family my entire adult life was hard and how can you instill the closeness of a family in your children when they don't live close by.  My DDs hardly know my family.  I asked DD21 to go with me to AZ and I could tell she didn't really want to for that very reason.  She does have 2 cousins there who are 22 and 26, but they are both married and each have 2 kids which is totally not of interest to my DD who is in college.  Speaking of kids, my family is all about kids and my DD27 said there will definitely be no kids at their wedding.  I know she has mentioned her fiancee's cousins' kids and she's not impressed and obviously doesn't want them there.  Kids are important in MY family, so have always been invited to weddings, but they're all far away anyway, so it's a non-issue.  My poor ex-MIL said last time we were together that she was beginning to wonder if she'd EVER get great-grandchildren (she has 8 grandhchildren ages 21-29...none married or with kids).  I told her MY parents have 14 great-grandchildren. ( My sister is only 3 years older than I am - 56 and has 10 grandchildren.) They'd probably be happy to share.  lol

Sorry this was so long.  Guess I was in a chatty mood.  I just wish I knew why my DD29 isn't responding to me.  At any rate, I'm done trying.  If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number, etc...but she seems to be sending a loud message to me. 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Congratulations on the wedding--something exciting to look forward to.  It is a little hard when everyone in the family is not in the area of the wedding.  It sounds like no matter where it was, it would not be near your family.  I think you should invite your sister & her kids if you are inviting the rest of the family, then it's their choice whether or not to go.  If you don't invite them, the message will be either that they're not wanted (which is not the case) or embarrassing them because you assume they can't afford to go.  I think that you already tried several times to contact your oldest DD and since she didn't respond, you should stop trying.  She just sounds like she has issues--it would not be a big deal to email you her SS number.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 06-22-2013 - 12:24pm

If someone contacted me 3 times in one week, asking for information they didn't REALLY need, my mental response would be "When hell freezes over".  Many people are very private about their SS#'s, especially if they are concerned about identity theft.  You do not NEED the SS# of the 29yo (or the 27 yo, for that matter) for health insurance purposes, since you cannot cover them.   If it is to add your dd as the possible (after the simultaneous death of your current husband)  1/4 recipient of a miniscule work-provided life insurance policy, she probably isn't interested.   It isn't the end of the world if you don't have that information, and she knows it.  *I* read your insistance as a demand, and expect that is why she is "ignoring" you.

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