Why do they have to grow up?

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Why do they have to grow up?
7
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 10:22am

I have been giving this whole parenting gig a lot of thought in the last 24 hrs. There is little positive now in hindsight. If we do a good job and raise happy, healthy & independent adults able to move out & live their own lives, then our reward is that they build lives where we are only visitors. Great work by us but still it hurts to let them go. Trying to remember if I ever thought that it would be wonderful to see them grow up and leave home as my DD so happily told me yesterday. She thinks it will be a very positive experience when DGS is grown up and can head off to his own life. She acknowledges that she will miss him but doesn't see it as a sad time.

Frankly, her timing sucked. my eldest DS finalized his decision over the weekend and he is resigning his job to return to Victoria. He will tell them today that he won't be returning next month from his educational leave of absence. I can't honestly say I'm thrilled for him even though I support his decision. Only seeing him once in 11 mths was hard and it's been so nice having him home these last 2 wks Not that we have seen him a lot but he is around if you know what I mean. I'm sad all over again. It was hard to say goodbye last year but it happened and I just thought about him being back home again. Now, that is unlikely except for maybe Xmas visits in the future. He is planning a life very far from home. He likes the freedom to be himself & the slower paced lifestyle. He is queer which in his life style means he is bi-sexual. He works with kids at home and so isn't "out" because his job would not tolerate it regardless of the diversity laws. However, in Victoria he is himself and does a lot of queer advocate work and mentoring of kids who are dealing with gender issues. He feels passionate about people being allowed to live the lifestyle of their choice & apparently has done some very good work there as he has several job offers. Here, his queer work was always under a stage name. He has made a big difference in providing the queers with disabilities recognition in our local queer community. He produced, directed & performed in a special show featuring queer entertainers with disabilities that has run the last 3 yrs each Aug. As a result of this & other similar activities, he was asked 2 wks ago to be on a radio panel discussing the issues faced still today in the queer lifestyle. I think this is what finalized his decision to return to Victoria because he turned it down. He felt he couldn't take the chance of it being heard by someone at work but he is tired of hiding.

He also has a tendency to be a work alcoholic, I wonder where he gets that says the lady writing this who started work at 5:15 this morning. He finds that with the slower lifestyle he is able to keep a calmer lifestyle. The locals still think he is insane doing too much but as he said, it's a lot less than working full time, going to university full time and doing the private counseling/mentoring he did in between giving yoga classes when he was at home. Now he is doing the same things in Victoria but working full time. He only works part time and now spends his free time hiking or rock climbing which he loves.

So I'm sad these days but need to get over the tears before DS comes back into town tonight. We are the closest as he was always "Mommy's boy" but without the clinging which explains why he left home at 19. He knows I'm sad but the tears will only upset him. I will leave that to his sister. She is more angry right now than sad. She ordered (lol) him to come back home today as she is here with DGS. I know her anger is the way she is expressing her sadness too. She missed him while he was away a lot. They have drifted apart as they reached their 20s as they are very different personalities without the same interests but they are still close. My youngest DS’s response was the return was what he expected. The boys weren't close growing up but still message/talk every few wks. DD is feeling like she is losing both her boys as youngest DS is pulling further away as he & his fiancée plan their lives together. So now to return to my original though, if DD gets upset because her brothers are leaving her then I think she is unrealistic to believe that she will be so proud to see DGS grow up & leave home that there will be no tears.

Hope you all have a great week, Dee



Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 3:31pm

Hey, Dee, sorry to hear you are feeling so sad.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 5:38pm

Dee, I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad about this. I hope that the intensity of these feelings passes, that you are just "in a mood" where you are feeling more sad than usual. I'm glad that you feel that you can vent to us here and I hope that we find something to say that might make you feel a little better.

When my kids leave/left to move into the next phase of their lives then that is a reward for me. Sure I'm sad to see them go. But I feel like I've done a good job raising them to be confident enough to dare to move far from the nest and to chase their dreams. The biggest challenge is to keep connected when they have full lives, whether they live nearby or far away. That is probably the saddest part for me, that I feel very much "out of the loop" in relation to their lives. I can see their Facebook updates, we talk on the phone, but its not the same as being physically present.

I guess I'm happier for them than I am sad for myself, if that makes sense.

It is kind of funny that your dd is so upset about her brother leaving... how does she reconcile that with her belief that she won't feel the same when her son leaves?

I hope that you're feeling a little better tonight.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 9:03pm
Thanks for your kind words, I'm sad but I will get over it. I almost pulled this post down twice today but decided to leave it to see if I felt better by tonight. It's hard to explain. I'm excited for him to continue down his chosen path. I'm thrilled he is going back to a life where he has the freedom to be himself. I am happy for him. I raised all of my kids to be independent and it's wonderful that he feels secure enough in himself to make this decision as we aren't a family of risk takers & I'm proud he can do this.

But.... and yes, I know this is my problem not his.

I'm know I need to get over this and move on which I will. I think it's that my dd sees this as her best friend leaving her and since DGS is only 4, she is free to express theories which may or may not be her reality. It's also a bit of jealousy as he was the shy timid one while she was the outgoing, adventurous one who started traveling & working around the world at 17.

Dee
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 9:28pm
Thanks for listening & the hug. I appreciate it and I will deal with my feelings so that I can move on.

I have actually known more about James' life & dreams this last year while he was in BC than I have since he was a teen. He emails me every week with an update on what has been happening. Neither of us are fond of the phone or skype (due to our hearing losses) but email flies back & forth quickly if we both have time but at least once a week if he is busy.

I guess I'm over reacting because in the space of a wk, Sandy will be married so officially never coming back home and James will then leave for BC. And it's funny because they both left home at 19 and have only returned for a few mths at a time since then. Sandy hasn't been home for the last 4 1/2 yrs. These events of theirs are upsetting me more than my baby leaving home. He is 24 and hasn't left before so I feel like it's overdue.

I think part of the problem is also that I'm at a crossroads in my life and not really sure what direction I will go in next. Being a Mom was my dream & life goal. I built my life around my kids and with the work schedule/commitments I have, there wasn't room for hobbies & a social life. I'm not ready to retire as I'm worried about how I would put in the time but I'm ready to stop working 60/70 hrs a wk. There isn't much in the job market where we are moving, so I will likely continue with my current job at least for a yr to bridge all the transition in my life right now.

Change, change, change - it's the ongoing constant in my life. lol

Dee
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 1:08am

Dee, Sandy will become officially married but otherwise things won't change much in her situation, will they? But you will be living in the more northern house and farther from her--will your grandson continue to stay with you a couple of nights a week? Will your younger ds (and gf) be moving to their own place? Are you feeling sadness about selling the house?

I'm wondering if its all of the changes at once that are upsetting you rather than any one thing? Disappointment that your oldest has decided to stay out west might just be the icing on the cake, so to speak. And yes the crossroads...I guess you and your eldest have that in common too!

I know what you mean about allowing your time to be taken up by your kids then feeling at loose ends when you have time on your hands again. Enrique and I made a point of finding some things to do together when Raquel moved out (Daniel was away at college) both to fill the time that had previously been taken up by doing things for/with her or worrying about her; and to rebuild some fun couple-time into the relationship.

Know that our virtual shoulders are here for you to lean on.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 7:50am
It is definitely all the changes that are putting me over the top. We will also stop the weekly babysitting in the same 2 wk period that James & Sandy are making these permanent changes as he starts full time school the beginning of Sept. My youngest DS & G/F are moving in with friends who just brought their 1st home. Not exactly sure when as I suspect that they will continue to stay here until we move as it's 2 mins from her job. Their new place is 30 mins away for her but closer to our new home.

Every change brings uncertainty and I'm having a bit of an identity issue right now. I know I have to take it day by day. My mood will improve as I'm naturally a happy person.

I'm not sad about selling our home as I'm ready to leave it now that all the kids will be gone as it seems too empty when they aren't here. The new place is Ian & mine which makes it exciting. It's been 32 yrs since we had a home that was just ours. I'm looking forward to us trying new things & meeting new people. It's just a big step and as I said before, we aren't risk takers by nature.

Thanks for the support, Dee.
Avatar for shirley_v
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2000
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 11:41am

Dee, your last post ended on a happier note.