Complete breakdown

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Complete breakdown
9
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 8:19am

Had one yesterday. I think I'm done after this semester. Really. Its just not worth it anymore. I realized I don't think I've smiled at all in months. Who wants to live like that? My house smells so bad I had to go outside last night to do homework because I was GAGGING. Dishes piled in the sink, bags and bags of garbage, laundry ALL over the gameroom upstairs, litterbox and ferret cages not cleaned in days, dog who DESPERATELY needs a bath, fridge full of nasty, moldy leftovers that need to be thrown away, game controllers in the bathroom (yes - Guitar Hero guitar in the BATHROOM), dirty glasses and soda cans all over the living room, even dog poop on the floor that everyone else walks by and leaves waiting for me to clean up (which is there because no one else can get off their butt to let the dog out when he barks, god forbid they leave their TV or video game), wearing dirty underwear for 3 days because no one else can do laundry, bill not paid in two weeks, no idea what is even due or past due at this point, can't even walk through either kid's room, can't walk in their bathroom, afraid to sit on the toilet in any of the bathrooms and hovering like its a public restroom - in my own house.

I have 50 trig problems, 45 chem problems, one chapter of bio and one quiz, plus TWO chem quizzes all due TOMORROW. Not to mention needing to get in an hour bike ride + 30 min of swimming.

I've finally come to the conclusion that it just boils down to the fact that my family doesn't love me enough to want me to do well in school. They refuse to get their sh*t together and pull their weight. They want to lead lazy lives while I manage to go to school, train, and take care of ALL the household responsibilities. After 3 years they don't help anymore today than they did at first, despite 100's of "promises" that they will try harder and it will get better. They just don't give a flying f***.

Yesterday I did homework from 7am-9:30am, school from 10:30am-6:00pm, started back on homework at 6:30. Dh gets home at 8:00pm and after he eats I ask him to clean the litter box. He snaps at me "I just sat down, give me a few minutes to relax and watch TV, geez" HELLO - when did *I* get to relax yet??? *I* haven't. I pointed out the fact that I am STILL working and will be for a few more hours. He got even more mad, yelled about "doing it in a minute" and "I'll clean the whole damn house, stop making such a big deal out of it" then never did anything, never got up again all night.

Either I leave them and do school, or I quit school. Something finally has to give. Honestly, I WISH I could leave them, but I can't. Even if I left dh - I still have a moral responsibility to be a mom to my kids, I can't just walk out as much as I would like to right now. So that would mean getting a job, apartment of my own, etc. So it would still mean no school. One thing is for sure, after this I will never, ever, ever feel the same way about dh or my own children. The fact they can't love and support me enough to follow my dreams will always be a part of our relationship. They are the most selfish creatures to ever walk the earth. I have no respect for any of them. I hated being a stay at home mom but I did it with a smile on my face FOR THEM whether I liked it or not. I know cleaning the house sucks, I know its not "fun" but good god people, life isn't all about RELAXING and FUN. I guess it is when you have a housewife/sahm taking care of everything and they got too used to that for 10 years. I regret TRYING to do something for me now, because now I know how they really feel. They all better hope they never need MY support, because honestly, none of them will have it. I'll go back to cleaning up their messes, cooking their food, doing their laundry, but I will never feel the same way about any of them again.

This is the first time I can honestly say I 100% regret getting married and having kids young. I never felt that way before, always thought I wasn't "giving up" anything, just doing it in a different order. Finally see that everyone else was right, I was wrong. I was giving up everything. I can't go back now, the time is passed. Actually, I now regret getting married and having kids period.

All school has been for me is one series of break downs after another. I freak out, want to quit, then manage to pull it together and stuff all the feelings down and struggle through til the next breakdown. Nothing ever really changes or gets better. I just put up and shut up til I can't take it anymore, then lose it again, then repeat. I'm tired of that pattern. I want it to STOP. I want things to change. I want to remember what its like to be genuinely happy again. I can't do 2-3 more years of this. I can't commit to a challenging science program at a university with a life like this. Its a nice thought, but its not reality, I'll never have the life I want. I made my bed 12 years ago when I had ds, and unfortunately, no matter how I've tried to avoid it, now I have lay (or lie?) in it.













































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belizesig1
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 9:24am

Wow - I was checking in to say hello and saw your post.


Take a deep breath - obviously you feel overwhelmed. I can see why - you put a ton on yourself and I don't know that anyone could do all of those things plus you are a high achiever and want to do everything so well.


It is disconcerting that noone helps at all - but try not to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 11:32am

I'm so, so sorry you feel that way. I can tell how sad, disappointed & overwhelmed you are feeling. I agree w/Ann, that you have taken on a ton and have very high standards, which is great but can be very overwhelming in itself. That is challenging and combined w/a family that doesn't help would be extremely difficult.


I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed in your choices but try to focus on the positives that those choices brought to you. Kids are kids, they are egocentric, it's just their developmental stage, but it won't last forever. DD16 is starting to get it. I had her young too and it is hard sometimes because I think of what I could have done if I had had more time before being a mom. But it's not her fault & I truly believe things happen for a reason.


DH is another story. I know how it feels to be totally let down by a spouse & it takes a long time to get past. I lost a lot of trust in mine several years ago when he absolutely refused to get out of a bad work situation & kept breaking all kinds of promises to me. I definitely do not recommend this but it took me literally telling him I was done & leaving him a few years ago before he finally had that lightbulb moment & got it. He now recognizes how selfish he was and has come a lot farther than before.


I don't know if you showed

Stephanie


Mom to DD16, DD10 & DS8

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 12:31pm

{{hugs}}


You can NOT QUIT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 12:48pm

I guess its tough for me with the kids. When I was ds's age, my dad had left and my mom had a bad attack of MS. At 12 years old I had to take care of her. I didn't have the opportunity to be an egocentric kid, my mom needed me, so I did it. And my kids freaking yell at me if I tell them to put down the Wii remote for 10 min to pick up or help with something. I don't want my kids to have to work as hard as I did at their age, but it just doesn't seem fair that they get to do NOTHING. They just don't care at all. We've done chore charts, worked about 2 weeks til they got bored with it. I've taken away everything - TV, computer, Wii but then I suffer because they won't give me any quiet to do my homework. They don't do any activities as it is because there isn' time. My last resort is to threaten that we will have to find new homes for the pets because we aren't taking care of them properly right now and its not fair.

I think dh's problem is he still doesn't see school as "work." He still sees it that I am "home" all day long. Yes, my schedule is much, much more flexible than his, but its not any less busy - in fact maybe more so. He's never respected what I did at home as "work" either though. He's one of those guys that always thought I had is so easy and cushy as a stay at home mom...he really thought it was all soap opera's and bonbons. He'd always say things like, "I wish I could JUST stay home like you."

I wish we could afford to hire some help, but I just can't. I've made all sorts of threats, but dh knows that it would be next to impossible for me to leave - no money saved up, no job, etc. I've told him many times the exact same things in my post, the problem is, he would say: who cares about the dishes? who cares about the mess? don't worry about it, its no big deal, you are just overracting. So what if there is a wii controller in the bathroom or some ants on a soda can in the living room? Just ignore it and do your homework, I'll deal with it "later" (which means never) He just doesn't care if the house is clean, doesn't care if it stinks, doesn't care if the kids eat ice cream for dinner or wear the same clothes for two weeks. He thinks that things just aren't "that bad" and I overly obsessive. Really, I'm not. I used to be pretty much a neat freak, but I had TIME to be, that's why. Not anymore, I swear. I don't care about things looking nice, I just don't want things to feel downright, dangerously, unhealthy and nasty. Toys or clutter, some dirty clothes around, books all over, fine. Food, mold, bugs, garbage, poop, etc. are my limits.

Honestly at this rate I may not even make it through this semester - even with only two weeks left. I want to clean my house SO bad, but there is just more homework to do than there is time to do it in even if I do nothing else.

Anyhow - I don't know. I know that if I make it though the next 3 weeks, I'll get an 8 week break, get life back in order, go on a couple vacations, and be feeling better and have hope that maybe next semester will be different. But it won't be. I will be right back here again by Thanksgiving, maybe Halloween.













































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belizesig1
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Registered: 08-12-2007
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 1:03pm

All I can offer is HUGS!!! A lot of them!


I hope your family can come to terms with how school is so important to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 7:32pm

I agree with everyone...You can't quit now.

Karen


 "A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 12:36pm

Easy there, tiger ;) You have a lot going on here.

First, I can completely understand what you're saying. I left my first marriage because of many of the issues you mentioned. After 12 years, I just could not handle 50+ hours of work per week, classes, and 100% of the child care, house work, and yard work. There was much more to the divorce than that, but it's a simplified version ;)

Also, I understand you're frustrated with your children, and they may not be as mature as you were at the same age. However, as kids, I don't think they understand how important your education is to you, whereas your husband should understand this totally. I am sure your children love you, they just can't see the big picture.

Next, I'm not saying you can or should do this, but is there anything you can modify after this semester to make your life easier? Can you take fewer classes? Are you willing to cut down on your training schedule? You mentioned you can't afford in-home help, which I understand. You also mentioned taking some vacations this summer. Would it be possible for you to scale back those vacations so you could afford some help, even if it's temporary? Believe me, I know in home help can be costly (I've never had it personally), but separating and maintaining two separate households would be VERY expensive.

If none of those ideas are reasonable or feasible, can you convince your husband to go to a few sessions of counseling with you (come on, as a grad student in counseling, you knew I was going to toss that one out there ;) )?

If nothing else, I would share your frustrations with your husband..be very specific about your wants and needs. Try to sit down with him at a time when you're not as angry or upset.

I know none of the above ideas are magical, immediate solutions, but they're something to think about. Keep us posted. I really do understand how you feel.




Edited 4/29/2010 5:32 pm ET by justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:18pm

(((HUGS)))

Everyone has given great advice already. I am going to add that maybe instead of looking so far ahead that you set very short term goals. So on Sunday you set your goals for the week and then do the same for the following week and so on until spring is over. That could help with feeling overwhelmed.

Is at all possible for you go on hiatus from school? Possibly defer your enrollment at the University until Spring.. I know that is not ideal but it might give you some breathing room and a chance to try counseling. if your DH won't go than definitely for yourself to learn coping strategies for how to not get to the point of a breakdown. Counseling could help with breaking the cycle that you mentioned.

Please know that we are all here for you and cheering you on.

christina

Avatar for my2craigs
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 9:56pm

((hugs))

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