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|Wed, 04-28-2010 - 8:19am|
Had one yesterday. I think I'm done after this semester. Really. Its just not worth it anymore. I realized I don't think I've smiled at all in months. Who wants to live like that? My house smells so bad I had to go outside last night to do homework because I was GAGGING. Dishes piled in the sink, bags and bags of garbage, laundry ALL over the gameroom upstairs, litterbox and ferret cages not cleaned in days, dog who DESPERATELY needs a bath, fridge full of nasty, moldy leftovers that need to be thrown away, game controllers in the bathroom (yes - Guitar Hero guitar in the BATHROOM), dirty glasses and soda cans all over the living room, even dog poop on the floor that everyone else walks by and leaves waiting for me to clean up (which is there because no one else can get off their butt to let the dog out when he barks, god forbid they leave their TV or video game), wearing dirty underwear for 3 days because no one else can do laundry, bill not paid in two weeks, no idea what is even due or past due at this point, can't even walk through either kid's room, can't walk in their bathroom, afraid to sit on the toilet in any of the bathrooms and hovering like its a public restroom - in my own house.
I have 50 trig problems, 45 chem problems, one chapter of bio and one quiz, plus TWO chem quizzes all due TOMORROW. Not to mention needing to get in an hour bike ride + 30 min of swimming.
I've finally come to the conclusion that it just boils down to the fact that my family doesn't love me enough to want me to do well in school. They refuse to get their sh*t together and pull their weight. They want to lead lazy lives while I manage to go to school, train, and take care of ALL the household responsibilities. After 3 years they don't help anymore today than they did at first, despite 100's of "promises" that they will try harder and it will get better. They just don't give a flying f***.
Yesterday I did homework from 7am-9:30am, school from 10:30am-6:00pm, started back on homework at 6:30. Dh gets home at 8:00pm and after he eats I ask him to clean the litter box. He snaps at me "I just sat down, give me a few minutes to relax and watch TV, geez" HELLO - when did *I* get to relax yet??? *I* haven't. I pointed out the fact that I am STILL working and will be for a few more hours. He got even more mad, yelled about "doing it in a minute" and "I'll clean the whole damn house, stop making such a big deal out of it" then never did anything, never got up again all night.
Either I leave them and do school, or I quit school. Something finally has to give. Honestly, I WISH I could leave them, but I can't. Even if I left dh - I still have a moral responsibility to be a mom to my kids, I can't just walk out as much as I would like to right now. So that would mean getting a job, apartment of my own, etc. So it would still mean no school. One thing is for sure, after this I will never, ever, ever feel the same way about dh or my own children. The fact they can't love and support me enough to follow my dreams will always be a part of our relationship. They are the most selfish creatures to ever walk the earth. I have no respect for any of them. I hated being a stay at home mom but I did it with a smile on my face FOR THEM whether I liked it or not. I know cleaning the house sucks, I know its not "fun" but good god people, life isn't all about RELAXING and FUN. I guess it is when you have a housewife/sahm taking care of everything and they got too used to that for 10 years. I regret TRYING to do something for me now, because now I know how they really feel. They all better hope they never need MY support, because honestly, none of them will have it. I'll go back to cleaning up their messes, cooking their food, doing their laundry, but I will never feel the same way about any of them again.
This is the first time I can honestly say I 100% regret getting married and having kids young. I never felt that way before, always thought I wasn't "giving up" anything, just doing it in a different order. Finally see that everyone else was right, I was wrong. I was giving up everything. I can't go back now, the time is passed. Actually, I now regret getting married and having kids period.
All school has been for me is one series of break downs after another. I freak out, want to quit, then manage to pull it together and stuff all the feelings down and struggle through til the next breakdown. Nothing ever really changes or gets better. I just put up and shut up til I can't take it anymore, then lose it again, then repeat. I'm tired of that pattern. I want it to STOP. I want things to change. I want to remember what its like to be genuinely happy again. I can't do 2-3 more years of this. I can't commit to a challenging science program at a university with a life like this. Its a nice thought, but its not reality, I'll never have the life I want. I made my bed 12 years ago when I had ds, and unfortunately, no matter how I've tried to avoid it, now I have lay (or lie?) in it.