PLEASE HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
PLEASE HELP!
9
Mon, 11-01-2010 - 9:59pm

My boyfriend and I were together 2 years before we decided to have our now 9 month old son. I was a round his family a little bit, but not a whole lot and they always spoke English in front of me. Now most of the time they speak Assyrian and no one bothers to translate anything. The very little bit I know I can't even make out in a sentence because they speak so fast. Even after asking them to translate and asking them to slow down, they don't even try to teach me and help me learn. This isn't a language I can learn from on-line or from books, so I need to rely on them. When ever we're together i am excluded from 99% of the conversations and I feel so out of place. Now they are teaching my son. My hubby says I'm being racist by not wanting him to learn, but I feel as if that's one more way for me to be excluded from the family. Now my son will be included in this! What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
In reply to: mjcarey5
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 6:41am

It sounds as if DH's family see you as one of the family so they just chat away as normal when you are there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
In reply to: mjcarey5
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 5:11pm

We live in the US. I've told my DH numerous amounts of times it bothered me and I've asked him numerous amounts of times to teach me Assyrian, both in which he ignores or tells me I'm over reacting or I am being racist. I've asked his family (mom and brother) to teach me. His brother is in college and is far to busy and his mom is also to busy and in my point of view could care less how I feel. I've asked her to translate and I get ignored. Then she tells me that she feels bad they always speak Assyrian around me and the turns around and the next words out of her mouth are Assyrian and it isn't translated for me. Seriously? Don't tell me you feel bad and then do that! If no one helps me or is willing to help me, how am I supposed to learn and communicate with my son at times?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2002
In reply to: mjcarey5
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 7:22am

Hi mjcarey5 & welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling excluded by your SO and his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
In reply to: mjcarey5
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 11:41am
When you are the only person not speaking a language, this is what often happens. It's not that they are being mean or that they don't like you, but it's more because people tend to fall back into the language that the majority speak, or into the language that they first spoke with that person.

It's good that they are teaching your son Assyrian. Being taught two languages at such a young age is helping wire your son's brain in such a way that will have an impact through his whole life.

Instead of asking family members to teach you, why don't you hire someone to teach you? You can then ask family members to practice with you. You could also ask your mother-in-law to teach you lullabies and children's songs and games. Ask her to write down the words, and for a translation. You can sing these with your son for example alongside English songs and lullabies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
In reply to: mjcarey5
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 5:55pm

I feel your pain in a lot of ways. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years (friends for 5) and am with his Russian family a lot. They do the same thing to me, except my bf and his mom (who likes me a lot) make it a point that I feel welcome. His grandparents dislike me (well, they dislike americans in general, they told bf that I was too "uncultured" for them) and his dad is indifferent but sides with grandma, who is ironically

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2002
In reply to: mjcarey5
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 8:10am

Welcome back glitterberry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
In reply to: mjcarey5
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 6:06pm
work mainly. ^^ Trying to get a better job and move up, not luck yet, but am still trying.

And yes, I did have Thanksgiving at their place. ^^ There was a little drama before the dinner as appearantly my bf and I have different ideas about what holidays are supposed to be about (in my family you come over at 11am and stay until 11pm pretty much, he expected me to come over for dinner and then go home with no hanging out) so that became an issue. Interestingly enough, both his parents, brothers and grandfather were all really happy to see me. His grandmother was a different story but everyone told me to ignore her and pretty much ignored her comments about me. The only time she was a little hostile was when bf's little brothers wanted to play with me and sit next to me at the table. While I was playing hide and go seek with the youngest, she followed me around the house and at the table glared at me. It was a bit creepy to tell the truth. The few times I tried to make conversation with her she falt out ignored me, both when I tried to talk in easy english and in russian. At this point I realize she will never accept me, but the rest of the family does. Interestingly enough this seems to upset my bf the most. Grandma was the one to watch him growing up while his parents were in med school and he continually tells me that he doesn't understand what her problem with me is.

Sadly, I am 8 hours away from my family and the train takes 10 hours to get to the nearest city, so going home is never worth it unless I'm there for a week. My family has it's own problems, though, so atleast I have one less thing to deal with in staying up here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2002
In reply to: mjcarey5
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 6:25am

Sorry to hear BF's grandmother was being a bit odd at Thanksgiving dinner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
In reply to: mjcarey5
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 5:21am
I'm sorry that his grandmother is still not acting very welcome or even nice. But it looks like the rest of your boyfriend's family are liking and appreciating you for who you are, and were happy to have you with them at Thanksgiving :-)

Has your BF ever asked his grandmother what her problem with you is? Only she can give him the answer. Each extended family has at least one member who is difficult. I can name a few in mine for each generation (good thing that my extended family is huge and the pleasant people outnumber the unpleasant ones!) Hopefully, grandmother is the only one who has forgotten her hospitality, and that she will change in the year to come.

Good luck with your job search! Sending you lots of job vibes!