I'm completely lost.
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|Sat, 03-24-2012 - 3:12am|
I'm 23. My son was born last August. In September, though we had violent fights before, a fight got out of hand, and when I was being persued, my son almost got hurt.
Through all the court hearings and ups and downs, I still haven't found a way to comfortably cope with everything. From what I've read online, I'm experiencing all the symptoms of Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. I've stopped talking to almost all of my friends, and push away family, and the few friends I still talk to.
My son's father recently started talking to me again, and is back to talking about being a family again (this happened through the court proceedings as well).
I'm trying to find a way to feel hope for my family to be back together, for my son and I to be okay on our own, just a hope for something.
I try to be as strong as I can be, and sometimes I feel as if I'm 50 years old. My son is my first and only child, and I want to be the best mom I can be.
I had a two week or so span where I felt almost okay with everything, and since the glimmer of hope is back that my family might be back together, but still isn't, came along, I've fallen back down.
I work first shift as a waitress, my only source of income. I'm already on thin ice for being late multiple times, and recently have almost stopped sleeping altogether, it just won't happen, no matter how hard I try. Since everything happened in September, I lost my baby weight almost immediatley; I'm a thinner girl anyway, I've dropped an additional 20 pounds.
I'm so blessed to have my son, and that he didn't get hurt, that he's healthy and (I hope) happy. But I have to be honest and say that I feel completley hopeless. I feel so angry with the world, with God, with myself, that this is how life is now. Barely make it through the night, go to work, deal with people that don't like me there and customers, come home, try to keep my paitentice as a first time parent with a teething baby, maybe sit on the internet or watch tv, cry, and lay in bed until it's time to rinse and repeat. I'm terrified that life will never be more than this.
The only joy I've had is that my son is getting older (7 months now), and that means I can interact with him more, so I have one true friend. The only things I feel like I can look forward to involve my son, such as taking him to the zoo, or playing outside together.
I guess I don't know what kind of response I expect from anyone, if anyone about this. I guess I'm just lost. I feel like my heart will never stop hurting, and no matter how much I hope and pray, things are never going to get better.
I guess I'm just venting. Or maybe I'm just praying through posting on a silly group online.