About to lose it
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| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:32am |
This is going to be long, sorry...It's been a few weeks since I've posted...we went out of town to check out a potential job transfer for my dh...we really want it as it's in Texas, and all I want to do lately is get back there, closer to family, closer to HELP. We're now just waiting for all interviewing to be over to see if my dh is the one who gets it. Anyway, my real reason for writing is b/c before we knew about this option, I had applied for a position where we live now b/c I wanted to go back to work for my sanity. I didn't get the job, and that's just as well since we might be moving...even if we don't, it was too big a position for me I decided. So now we are in limbo waiting and I can't look for any other jobs here b/c I can't rightly apply knowing there is a good chance we're leaving. I am probably going to look for work where we move, but it is a predominately Hispanic community, and believe me, I heard a LOT of Spanish when we were down there. I don't speak it and plan to take classes anyway, but when it comes to a job, I'm afraid I won't qualify very easily. I want to work at the university there, but I'm figuring I'll HAVE to have Spanish to get anything. In the meantime, if I can't go back to work, I'm getting a little bit more insane each day, I feel. Ok, not INSANE, just really really really sick of being at home all the time. I really have not had a good experience staying at home and I envy those that do. It's all I thought I wanted to do until I did it. Now ds is almost a year, and I'm just itching to (ok, I'm going to say it) NOT CATER TO HIS EVERY LITTLE THING ALL DAY LONG!!! I think he might be related to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, b/c it seems like he'll just be happy one minute and screaming his heart out the next, and nothing will have happened. He's just an overall needy baby, I think. He never ever ever ever has woke up happy, not once. He only knows how to wake up screaming. He doesn't want to be alone one minute. He needs to be held to fall asleep..I know, we created that one monster, but don't know how to break it without it being WWIII in the house. I keep thinking, ok, when he crawls he'll be happier...well, he's crawling all over and is still the same grump. He is a total whiner all day long, it seems. Others would probably say I'm wrong...see, when he's around others, he's happy as a lark, always happy. That's another reason I think he'd be better off without me around all day. We do get out several times a day...that's not the issue. I don't necessarily want to HAVE to leave the house for him to be happy. He's very very social (so am I), but where we live, there is nothing really for us. Where we might move, well...hate to say it, but we'll be starting over and I'll be the minority where we move...don't know how much we'll be accepted. I intend on joining the newcomers group there once we get there, but you know how those can go sometimes. Believe me, I've racked my brain trying to think of a million things to do during the day...but no matter what we do, there are still at least 4-5 screaming episodes a day. I started about a month or so ago, when he starts in on screaming for nothing, to say "DS, I don't pay attention to temper tantrums," then just turn away or do something else. It doesn't really work...he just keeps screaming for a long time. Yesterday, I was really sick with a stomach bug, and he started to scream and it went on a good 10 minutes until I sat him up and stuck a pacifier in him. Sometimes I think I'm holding him back and doing too much for him, still. I don't carry him around all the time, in fact, he's on the floor most of the day crawling, cruising on furniture, etc. But all of a sudden "SCREAM!" and there is no explanation for it. Just frustration, I guess, but how am I supposed to do anything about that? I see all these little ones walking around and they seem so happy...will he get happier when he can do that? Is there anything else I can do that I haven't thought of until I can go back to work? I realize this is the board that women go to that want to be at home, and I just wish I was one of them..but I just can't make myself feel something I don't. I've got support here b/4 about going back to work, and I'm grateful. But what I want to know is there anyone else out there who sometimes resents staying at home, esp. with a first baby when you don't have any help from nearby family or such, or did your baby get happier at a certain point and if so, what did it? I'm trying to at least find out a way to see the light at the end of the tunnel...something to look forward to...but I think that the baby stage is not something I enjoy at all...neither does my dh enjoy it much, but that's supposedly "normal" for men...but it's not "supposed" to be normal for women, the mom, right? WE're supposed to love every minute and be naturally nurturing and forgiving and more patient...well, I guess I've got more testosterone in me thatn the average woman, b/c I'm not feeling very momish lately. Please help if you can.
Thanks, Debbie

***...but I think that the baby stage is not something I enjoy at all...neither does my dh enjoy it much, but that's supposedly "normal" for men...but it's not "supposed" to be normal for women, the mom, right? WE're supposed to love every minute and be naturally nurturing and forgiving and more patient...well, I guess I've got more testosterone in me thatn the average woman, b/c I'm not feeling very momish ***
I dont think anyone enjoys everything about any stage of children. Sometimes kids are difficult because that is who they are. My first is a diffict needy child, who also happens to be extremly smart and sweet when she wants to be. She has always been better behaved for others than she is for me. (after she was weaned)My DS is much easier for me, I love being at home with him and am glad I have two more years before kinder, my DD I couldn't wait for kinder to start. Sometimes patience runs out, its natural, you are human, being a mom doesn't make a screaming child any less annoying. How to deal with it? That depends, I think I just dealt and went a little crazy, but I have to say my DD didn't get really bad until after DS was born when she was 2.5. So I did not have as much of it to deal with and we could communicate better. Have you tried teaching him some signs so he can communicate with you a little? We did that with DD, but she talked so early we did not get vey far. If you feel like you need to go back to work, go, but know that you aren't abnormal because DS drives you a little nuts, its only normal. BTW, what aprt of TX are you considering? I moved to Corpus Christi a couple of years ago, we were there for about 18 mo, I have a friend in Laredo, so if either one of those places is where you are going maybe I can point you in a direction for some things to do. Good Luck with everything.
K
Hi Debbie, First of all I have to say if you move to Texas I don't think you will have to worry about not being accepted here. We live in San Antonio and yes it is primarily Hispanic but believe me when I say everyone (well mostly everyone) is very nice. I am Hispanic, but I have many friends who are not and some friends have moved down here from other places (ex. Los Angeles). They have all said that everyone in Texas is so nice and frankly they are not use to this friendliness. One friend of mine from California said she can't stand her neighbor anymore telling her good morning everyday..lol. Well enough about that. As far as being a mom, it is hard and sometimes not fun at all! Everyone knows that but are just afraid of saying it. I have to give my opinion or advice about what you are going through. I have 2 girls 11 & 8, and a son 6 months. Before I had my son I was going through a rough time. I was always stressed!! While I was pregnant it was the same thing, stressed and not very happy all the time. I feel that my dd's felt that. I read somewhere that if you are stressed or unhappy your kids feel that and respond to it. It makes them feel the same way, so my opinion is that he is lashing out just the way you feel but by screaming since he is unable to speak. I have to tell you when I was going through it, my girls would get on my nerves for any little thing and I would lash out screaming or hitting the walls or something. I was kinda out of control. There was SO MUCH TENSION in the home. And when we got out of the home we were all different people. So no one knew all the stress was there. I need for you to know that I have never mentioned this to anyone except my dh. Once I read that article, I tried to control my stress. Or I tried being happy in front of the girls. Well it worked, once I felt better about myself the girls seemed to be happier too. Once I had ds everything has changed, I don't let my stress get in the way of my family, gladly now I have stopped worrying about every little thing. I just say "don't worry, be happy"...lol. Hey, but it works. My ds is a wonderful little guy, yeah of course he cries and screams when he is not happy, but overall he is a very happy guy. As far as feeling nourshing all the time, I personally feel that is a crock. I do love being a mommy, but come on we are human. I am sorry this is so long and I am not too sure if your going through this (stressed), but I just had to give my advice. Good luck with everything and keep us posted. BTW..I have never had help with any of this mommy thing except from dh (and all my family lives here--go figure).
Olivia
Edited 5/10/2005 5:56 pm ET ET by iolivia1972
&nbs
Debbie, I wanted to say that you should be so proud of yourself that you are looking for answers. I get the feeling you think something is wrong with you or that perhaps you don't care for your child?? Nonsense!!!! Would you be coming to a stay at home moms board and "outing" yourself if you did not care?? I think you are a very loving and caring mom. Every mom is different. Some are more relaxed and some more paranoid. There is such a broad range of people and personality's that it is hard to pin it down.
I truly wish I knew what to say that could help but quite frankly I do not. My three year old was such a high needs baby. He had horrible colic until a year old and he was very very stressed out. He also had food and air allergies that made things worse.