Adjusting to staying home...help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Adjusting to staying home...help!
6
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:12am
I have always taken care of myself. I lived by myself before I got married and had my own income...changed my own tires. I have two college degrees and loved my job working 4 days a week with my 3 children at my mother-in-laws. Nine months ago my husband got a great job opportunity for his career and that would allowand require me to stay home. We took it and it took us away from all of our family-about 11 hours away. Now the honeymoon is over. I have painted just about everything I can and we are tight on money. I love that I can be home with my children and I think it has been great for them to have me here but lately I feel like I yell alot and I find myself crying more and more. I have one good friend here and that helps and I talk with my family all the time...but... I feel... almost worthless...dependent...and it is getting worse. Help!!! I tell myself that this is what I've always wanted and how good it is for my children but it isn't really helping. Any advice for the forlorn?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:37pm
Hi!

I am a new mom with a 3 month old boy. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. My mom was home and I loved it growing up. However, it is very difficult adjusting to this new life. Even though I have a child at home, I still feel very alone. I know he is only 3 months but it drives me nuts not being able to get anything done around the house. He needs to be held almost all the time. Lately when I lay him down for naps during the day he wakes immediately. This is the first time I've had a break. I understand feeling dependent and worthless. But, try to remember that you are not worthless. You are the CEO of the house. Unfortunately, there is no income of a CEO! You are the chef, nanny, janitor, umpire, chauffeur, maid, and countless others. Just think of all the people it would take to do the job you are doing. You are indespensable! Keep your chin up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:06am
Thanks for answering my call for help. I try to think about all the jobs I do. I guess I never thought of myself as a CEO-- do they do all these things? The endless laundry and dishes and picking up after three children ages 2,4, and 6 is almost driving me crazy. I've even decided to stop picking up my 4year old daughters room all together because she just drags it all out again. I guess some days I am just more patient than others. Some days I feel like all I do is yell and it makes me angry at myself. I don't want them to remember me as the mom who always yelled. I guess I don't have any me-time. The other morning I woke up at 0730 and tapped my husband and told him I was going to run to walmart to finish easter shopping. I rushed through walmart to get home as soon as I could because I felt guilty being gone. They were all fine of course. The last time I went somewhere by myself was to the mall to get my hair cut and i snuck out and rushed home right after. Not because anyone told my to but because I feel guilty "leaving " them. Wow what a martyr I am.. When you write stuff down it almost looks crazy huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:42am
Hi! I just posted a response in a message above(the one about things to do while at home) about a home-based business. That might make you feel better. It would allow you to contribute to your family in a different way. I think we all have trouble adjusting because it's something new. You're used to working outside the home and the appreciation and reward is much different. It took me a while to get used to the differences. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being home with my son and I LOVE being a Mom, but it was hard to get used to things.

It's hard when you clean the house and no one seems to notice or you have spent all day picking up toys (only to have your child pull them all out again) and then your hubby comes home and the first thing he does is pick up the toys. I felt horrible because I felt like he thought I didn't do it all day! But, we talked about it and now he knows to mention some things to me, so I know that he notices I didn't just sit around and eat bon-bons all day!! :)

I do wish you luck in your adjustment. If you have any questions about working from home, you can e-mail me at jencip325@yahoo.com.

Jennifer

SAHM to Tyler (10 months)

Turn a Monthly Expense into an Income!

http://www.stayinhomeandlovinit.com/cgi-bin/team.cgi?id=je57771&action=show

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:08pm
Wow - you have gone through a LOT of changes in the past nine months! Uprooting your family and moving, leaving your support system behind, AND becoming a stay-at-home mom - that's a lot of adjusting to do! Any ONE of those changes would be a big adjustment by themselves, and you're dealing with ALL of them at one time - no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed! So all that I can say is give it some time to deal with and get used to all of these changes, and I think that you will find that you are a lot less overwhelmed. It will take a lot of time - I know that I was miserable for the first YEAR that I was at home - I thought that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. But I just needed some time to make a little niche for myself in my new world: coming up with a new daily routine that worked for me and my kids, finding a new support group of stay-at-home moms (VERY important), and finding new things to do that brought new meaning to my life. I would suggest that you talk with the one good friend that you mentioned and find ways that she and you can make MORE good friends - join a playgroup (or form one yourselves), find a mom's support group like MOPS, The Moms' Club, Mothers and More, etc. Having a "mom network" is so important.

As far as the loss of independence goes - well, that's just a part of being a mom. Once you have children who depend on you, you lose a lot of your freedom and independence. However, that does not mean that you can't find things to do that are "just for you." Join a book club, take up a new hobby, etc. I am in the middle of building a new children's garden at my oldest son's elementary school. I have a marketing background, and I have written several grant proposals to various foundations to try to raise money to build the garden. It has been very good for me to keep up my writing skills and also to put my marketing background to work as I try to "sell" the idea of this new garden to our community. It had meant a lot to me to know that I am doing something significant in my community, and it has helped keep my brain from completely turning to mush LOL.

So all I can say is please stop beating yourself up, give yourself a chance to find your place in your new world, and cherish this wonderful time that you have to raise your children! Good luck!

Paige (mom to Harper, John, and Gib)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:10am
Hi. I've been a SAHM for 6mths already. Still don't feel that I've adjusted to staying home yet, hence I think I understand what you're feeling.

I also find that I yell at my kid a lot. Sometimes I feel that I made the wrong choice of quitting my job and looking after him full time. Is he really better off with me around? I also tend to feel depressed and isolated. Guess I don't have any gd advice to give as I'm still pondering the issue myself...

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:00am
What I would suggest , is once or twice a week get a sitter for your little one, so that you can take either the morning or afternoon just for yourself...Go for coffee ,go browsing around the store, or get back to a part-time job, few hrs a week, or when your husband is at home, so that you do not have to pay babysitting, or get a mother& tots meet and greet at your house , set up a room so that they would all play ,and you and the other moms, could chat, do scrap booking, talk about what you would like to do for the following week etc....Start small, you will be surprise to find out you are not the only one lonely and at home.

Try a home business, that would not require you to go out, but yet meeting all kinds of nice people to chat with etc.Let us know you things are going later on...



stella