Advice needed sad/mad
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| Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:55pm |
I don’t understand what happened – I asked for this and wanted this and now it’s the hardest thing! I feel lonely, mad and then sad or all at once! My husband and I always said once we have children I’d stay at home and do the “female” things – cooking, cleaning, take care of our babies. He’d do the traditional male things – lawn, trash and work. We just moved into a new neighborhood and I don’t know too many people and before I worked and talked with many people everyday. I love cooking and being with my daughter each day. However – when my husband gets home and he “watches” her they sleep or do what he needs to get done or do – like surf the net. I can’t do that or our daughter wouldn’t even be able to sit up! He can’t even collect all of the trash and get it to the curb. I find myself running around before the trash person comes to get it out – and also I’ve been mowing. I get so mad when I think about me doing everything (meaning “male jobs”) and then watch him “take care” of her. I can’t even imagine being “close” to my husband because it’s becoming yet another thing I have to do for the family. I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he is sorry and will try harder – harder never comes. I asked him to clean up his kitchen mess because I’ve already cleaned it up three times and he says – “What – from your breakfast and lunch?” NO, from his dinner last night, his lunch today and my breakfast this morning! I HATE that I feel this way! I love my child and my husband but something has to give or I’m going to loss my mind. I even thought about going to a hotel for a weekend and not telling him – but that would be MEAN and I’d just have to clean everything up when I get home. Does anyone have advice or do I just need to understand this is what I signed up for, is this really what it’s like to be a stay-at-home? Thanks for your help – speak honestly – but step softly – I’m weak right now. Thanks in advance!

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I have never gone through this, but you sound so sad that I just had to answer. I had a problem getting everything done in one day. My older sister sent me to a website called http://www.flylady.net
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I hate to hear that you aren't enjoying being a SAHM like you should.
Hope This Helps
Christy
I think that I know exactly how you feel. I hope that I can help a little, even with just agreeing about EVERYTHING! I know exactly what you mean about "taking care" of her. My husband watches our 11 week old when he is being good and could just as easily be in his swing--they surf the net, as long as he doesn't have to do ANY typing (I type with Andy all the time, but he just can't seem to do it) but the second he gets a little fussy I have to take him. It always makes me angry because I don't have anyone to give him to when he gets fussy. Then, the garbage thing. I take the garbage out 80% of the time and this week DH drug the can to the curb and I was so impressed that he did this (he did forget the bag that was in the trash can, but he did try). DH hasn't done the dishes in over a year and he gets all huffy when the kitchen is a mess and he wants to cook something (but he doesn't clean up the mess when he is cooking). So, I understand exactly what you are saying but...
My mom always tells me that I knew all of this before I married him and she is right. I am very lenient (sp?) with my husband because when I get upset about this stuff I talk to him and he makes me happy. So, I swallow my anger and frustration and I just do it and then it doesn't seem so bad. I don't know how to explain it better than that. I have come to the understanding that this is how it is going to be and I love him more than anything just the way he is. Are there times that I would like to just take Andy and walk out for a couple of hours--yes, but I can only think about it for a second. When I get really upset I think about how important I am to our family. It is a little self indulgent, but it eases the tension.
When Andrew "needs" me while he is holding him I might be angered, but then I think of what an honor it is to be THE person that can calm our son. It is an amazing feeling. I remember how happy my husband is when he comes home to a clean kitchen with fresh banana bread on the counter and I realize that this is all worth it. Finally, I think that the most important thing is that we spend time alone together everynight. Andy falls asleep at 10:30 and we spend time downstairs and we always cuddle and talk in bed--I fall in love with him all over again everynight all wrapped up in his arms (even though I know he didn't clean the kitchen and he isn't going to pick his clothes up off of the floor to put them in the hamper).
I hope that this helps you a little and believe me, I understand.
Good Luck,
Gen Mom to Andrew (5/6/2004)
I highly suggest that you sit down and look over your budget carefully and see if you can afford to hire someone to mow the lawn. If you can afford it, by all means hire someone. Neighborhood kids charge the least. Try to use more coupons or stockpile groceries when they go on sale 1/2 price. Whatever it takes to afford this luxury, even if it is just for the rest of this summer. Then offer this extra as a gift to your DH in appreciation for his hard work at his job during the week.
I also suggest that you volunteer to take over the trash collection duties. Heck, you are doing it anyway. Why not get credit as going above and beyond?? I do the trash at our house because I know if I don't, it isn't likely to get done (and I wouldn't enjoy running around like a mad woman at 6:00 in the morning trying to get it out on time because DH forgot).
I sometimes get annoyed by these little day-to-day things. But then I remind myself that, in addition to working a demanding full-time job, DH checks the tire pressures, changes the oil, arranges for car maintenance, changes the furnace filters, drains the water lines for the hoses in winter so the pipes don't freeze, replaces the broken sump pump motor, changes the lightbulbs I can't reach even on the stepladder, listens to me whine when I've had a difficult day, etc. He may not always do what I'd like when I'd like it, but he does a LOT for our family. And much of it is stuff I couldn't do or would prefer not to do.
As for the other basic "mess" around the house ..... the person most bothered by it is typically the one who's gonna clean it up. You could just leave all of your DH's mess for a few weeks and see if it bothers him. But I expect that it won't and it will drive you crazy in the interim. Sadly, you only have two choices - either clean it up if it bothers you, or don't clean it up and let your DH deal with it when he finally realizes that there is a problem. But complaining to him about it doesn't change the situation. All it does is make you feel unheard and more frustrated. There are times when I choose to clean up someone else's mess at our house simply because I'm the one who prefers a clean house. And since it is actually my preference to clean it, rather than leave it or fight about it, that's the way I think of it and it really doesn't upset me.
I do find that a simple "Would you please help me with these dishes and not leave the kitchen just yet?" typically yields complete cooperation. But unless I specifically ask, DH doesn't always even notice that something needs to be done (even though I'd have thought it would be obvious to anyone).
A wise friend once suggested that "If you can't stand the soggy rice crispy sludge your DH leaves in the sink, stop buying rice crispies." The point is well taken. You do have a certain measure of control.
As you have already identified, a lot of the difficulty in working these things out isn't the things themselves. It's the isolation you are feeling because you just moved. In time, you will meet more neighbors and find more adults with whom to connect. I hope this was just an isolated frustrating day and that tomorrow is better! - Suzanne
But, then there are his days off. He works almost everyday at his job, but when he does get days off. He usually helps me out by cooking, or watching the baby. I just think that it is fair!! How old is your daughter? You might get used to it, it is a role that you have to grow into, I know it took me awhile, but for a long time I felt like you, and now it seems like I just do it!! And believe it or not (this is scaring me as I think about it) I'm starting to enjoy my role in our little family!!
Good luck!! And if you really want him to do it, go on strike for a few days!! Grab the baby and go on a little holiday. The mess might be there when you get back, but you should have a new found energy and be able to handle it better by then!!
HALIGR
Good luck,
Malin
HALIGR
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