Advice needed sad/mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Advice needed sad/mad
12
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:55pm


I don’t understand what happened – I asked for this and wanted this and now it’s the hardest thing! I feel lonely, mad and then sad or all at once! My husband and I always said once we have children I’d stay at home and do the “female” things – cooking, cleaning, take care of our babies. He’d do the traditional male things – lawn, trash and work. We just moved into a new neighborhood and I don’t know too many people and before I worked and talked with many people everyday. I love cooking and being with my daughter each day. However – when my husband gets home and he “watches” her they sleep or do what he needs to get done or do – like surf the net. I can’t do that or our daughter wouldn’t even be able to sit up! He can’t even collect all of the trash and get it to the curb. I find myself running around before the trash person comes to get it out – and also I’ve been mowing. I get so mad when I think about me doing everything (meaning “male jobs”) and then watch him “take care” of her. I can’t even imagine being “close” to my husband because it’s becoming yet another thing I have to do for the family. I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he is sorry and will try harder – harder never comes. I asked him to clean up his kitchen mess because I’ve already cleaned it up three times and he says – “What – from your breakfast and lunch?” NO, from his dinner last night, his lunch today and my breakfast this morning! I HATE that I feel this way! I love my child and my husband but something has to give or I’m going to loss my mind. I even thought about going to a hotel for a weekend and not telling him – but that would be MEAN and I’d just have to clean everything up when I get home. Does anyone have advice or do I just need to understand this is what I signed up for, is this really what it’s like to be a stay-at-home? Thanks for your help – speak honestly – but step softly – I’m weak right now. Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:52pm

I have never gone through this, but you sound so sad that I just had to answer. I had a problem getting everything done in one day. My older sister sent me to a website called http://www.flylady.net

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:09pm

I hate to hear that you aren't enjoying being a SAHM like you should.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:55pm
Wow, your husband and mine must be related.LOL My husband will walk right over the garbage bag, that I sit in the doorway, in his way, and he still won't take it out until I throw fits about it. I cut grass because it would take him all day to get all our grass cut, and that wouldn't accomplish anything with him spending time with the kids. When he doesn't do stuff that he is suppose to, I don't do stuff that he thinks I should and then I ask him it feels. I give him as good as he gives me, and maybe he will learn one day, but then again he is a male.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:01pm
I do have 2 cents about this. I hope that I don't make ya mad. You get to spend time with your DD while your DH works. It is important that DH gets to spend time with her also. In fact it made me smile when I read your post about him spending time with her...Because ALOT of men don't do that. I never lived with my father.....SO....I didn't get the chance to be a daddys girl or do things with my dad. That is why I want a daughter so much..so she can be a daddys girl and have those things I didn't. 2nd....I do agree that he needs to help. He should at least mow the lawn. Maybe if you schedule some time where he can spend time with her.....I believe that is why is his doing this. He isn't trying to hurt you or make you mad....He just wants time with her. Talk to him...Not yell at him...But have a quiet heart to heart talk. Explain to him you that understand he wants to have time with her..and you appreciate that he helps watch her..But also explain that you need him to help with other things.

Hope This Helps

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:00am
Hello there!

I think that I know exactly how you feel. I hope that I can help a little, even with just agreeing about EVERYTHING! I know exactly what you mean about "taking care" of her. My husband watches our 11 week old when he is being good and could just as easily be in his swing--they surf the net, as long as he doesn't have to do ANY typing (I type with Andy all the time, but he just can't seem to do it) but the second he gets a little fussy I have to take him. It always makes me angry because I don't have anyone to give him to when he gets fussy. Then, the garbage thing. I take the garbage out 80% of the time and this week DH drug the can to the curb and I was so impressed that he did this (he did forget the bag that was in the trash can, but he did try). DH hasn't done the dishes in over a year and he gets all huffy when the kitchen is a mess and he wants to cook something (but he doesn't clean up the mess when he is cooking). So, I understand exactly what you are saying but...

My mom always tells me that I knew all of this before I married him and she is right. I am very lenient (sp?) with my husband because when I get upset about this stuff I talk to him and he makes me happy. So, I swallow my anger and frustration and I just do it and then it doesn't seem so bad. I don't know how to explain it better than that. I have come to the understanding that this is how it is going to be and I love him more than anything just the way he is. Are there times that I would like to just take Andy and walk out for a couple of hours--yes, but I can only think about it for a second. When I get really upset I think about how important I am to our family. It is a little self indulgent, but it eases the tension.

When Andrew "needs" me while he is holding him I might be angered, but then I think of what an honor it is to be THE person that can calm our son. It is an amazing feeling. I remember how happy my husband is when he comes home to a clean kitchen with fresh banana bread on the counter and I realize that this is all worth it. Finally, I think that the most important thing is that we spend time alone together everynight. Andy falls asleep at 10:30 and we spend time downstairs and we always cuddle and talk in bed--I fall in love with him all over again everynight all wrapped up in his arms (even though I know he didn't clean the kitchen and he isn't going to pick his clothes up off of the floor to put them in the hamper).

I hope that this helps you a little and believe me, I understand.

Good Luck,

Gen Mom to Andrew (5/6/2004)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 8:46am
I wish I could change a few basics in your DH's nature for you. But since I can't.....

I highly suggest that you sit down and look over your budget carefully and see if you can afford to hire someone to mow the lawn. If you can afford it, by all means hire someone. Neighborhood kids charge the least. Try to use more coupons or stockpile groceries when they go on sale 1/2 price. Whatever it takes to afford this luxury, even if it is just for the rest of this summer. Then offer this extra as a gift to your DH in appreciation for his hard work at his job during the week.

I also suggest that you volunteer to take over the trash collection duties. Heck, you are doing it anyway. Why not get credit as going above and beyond?? I do the trash at our house because I know if I don't, it isn't likely to get done (and I wouldn't enjoy running around like a mad woman at 6:00 in the morning trying to get it out on time because DH forgot).

I sometimes get annoyed by these little day-to-day things. But then I remind myself that, in addition to working a demanding full-time job, DH checks the tire pressures, changes the oil, arranges for car maintenance, changes the furnace filters, drains the water lines for the hoses in winter so the pipes don't freeze, replaces the broken sump pump motor, changes the lightbulbs I can't reach even on the stepladder, listens to me whine when I've had a difficult day, etc. He may not always do what I'd like when I'd like it, but he does a LOT for our family. And much of it is stuff I couldn't do or would prefer not to do.

As for the other basic "mess" around the house ..... the person most bothered by it is typically the one who's gonna clean it up. You could just leave all of your DH's mess for a few weeks and see if it bothers him. But I expect that it won't and it will drive you crazy in the interim. Sadly, you only have two choices - either clean it up if it bothers you, or don't clean it up and let your DH deal with it when he finally realizes that there is a problem. But complaining to him about it doesn't change the situation. All it does is make you feel unheard and more frustrated. There are times when I choose to clean up someone else's mess at our house simply because I'm the one who prefers a clean house. And since it is actually my preference to clean it, rather than leave it or fight about it, that's the way I think of it and it really doesn't upset me.

I do find that a simple "Would you please help me with these dishes and not leave the kitchen just yet?" typically yields complete cooperation. But unless I specifically ask, DH doesn't always even notice that something needs to be done (even though I'd have thought it would be obvious to anyone).

A wise friend once suggested that "If you can't stand the soggy rice crispy sludge your DH leaves in the sink, stop buying rice crispies." The point is well taken. You do have a certain measure of control.

As you have already identified, a lot of the difficulty in working these things out isn't the things themselves. It's the isolation you are feeling because you just moved. In time, you will meet more neighbors and find more adults with whom to connect. I hope this was just an isolated frustrating day and that tomorrow is better! - Suzanne


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:20pm
I second the Flylady suggestion. Her system of routines really works for me and my family. Often, all my "work and chores" are done (including supper prepared) by 9:00 AM and then I have the rest of the day to hang out with DS. That's not to say that there aren't days where I have a messy house or need to "catch up", but they are becoming fewer and fewer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:40pm
Oh my God, it's like you stepped into my life and wrote about it!! Crazy!! Here's the thing!! I got used to it. I have to admit that I felt exactly the same way as you for the first 7 or so months, but then I just got used to it. I had to sit myself down and say, "Well, here's the thing. He does make half the mess, and he doesn't clean up even a quarter of it, but....." And here are the "buts" He feeds me, he feeds my daughter, he pays the rent, the bills, and pretty well everything else, and he lets me keep my measly little paycheck pretty well to myself. So, although it sounds a little old fashion, and I know a lot of women won't agree with me, and you don't have to either, but he works hard, and so do I, but I think of it as that is how we make it work, together!! Sometimes I feel like my job never ends and his does, but why should we get to stay at home (and granted, yes we do work) play with the baby all day, and then he comes home from a hard day at work and should have to clean?? I just would feel bad making him do it.

But, then there are his days off. He works almost everyday at his job, but when he does get days off. He usually helps me out by cooking, or watching the baby. I just think that it is fair!! How old is your daughter? You might get used to it, it is a role that you have to grow into, I know it took me awhile, but for a long time I felt like you, and now it seems like I just do it!! And believe it or not (this is scaring me as I think about it) I'm starting to enjoy my role in our little family!!

Good luck!! And if you really want him to do it, go on strike for a few days!! Grab the baby and go on a little holiday. The mess might be there when you get back, but you should have a new found energy and be able to handle it better by then!!

HALIGR

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:48pm
Been there, felt that. I know it can get rough sometimes but it does get better. The first couple of months were tough. I don't know how old your baby is but things does get slowly easier and easier. Kathryn is now finally at 10 months able to do things by herself allowing me that precious time to do stuff by myself with two hands (the sheer luxury of two free hands...)I guess what I finally did was to accept that my life and house was forever different. Not good or bad just different. Yes, my house is messier now. There are dishes in the sink but my daughter is a happy well-adjusted child and she doesn't seem to care whether or not Martha Stewart would approve of my prepared meal or the way my house looks. Give yourself a break, allow some time to be just for yourself. Not running errands, not doing bills, not cleaning. Just you. It makes a world of difference and most importantly talk to your DH. Make him understand that it is different for you than it is for him. A SAHM doesn't get to "clock out" like he does when he leaves from work. Just hang in there but know that things will get better and cherish those good times like when your baby hugs you tight and says "mama" for the first time.

Good luck,

Malin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:17pm
I forgot to say that it sucks that you even have to mow the lawn!! Let it grow until he decided to get his butt out there and do it!! That sucks!! I don't have the luxury of my own yard, because I live in an apartment in a 4-plex, but if I did, that is where I would draw the line. Let's face it, he needs something to do with his Sunday afternoon, and letting it be the ugliest, longest grass on the block might give him the initiative (and hint) that he needs!! Good Luck!!

HALIGR

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