Advice needed sad/mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Advice needed sad/mad
12
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:55pm


I don’t understand what happened – I asked for this and wanted this and now it’s the hardest thing! I feel lonely, mad and then sad or all at once! My husband and I always said once we have children I’d stay at home and do the “female” things – cooking, cleaning, take care of our babies. He’d do the traditional male things – lawn, trash and work. We just moved into a new neighborhood and I don’t know too many people and before I worked and talked with many people everyday. I love cooking and being with my daughter each day. However – when my husband gets home and he “watches” her they sleep or do what he needs to get done or do – like surf the net. I can’t do that or our daughter wouldn’t even be able to sit up! He can’t even collect all of the trash and get it to the curb. I find myself running around before the trash person comes to get it out – and also I’ve been mowing. I get so mad when I think about me doing everything (meaning “male jobs”) and then watch him “take care” of her. I can’t even imagine being “close” to my husband because it’s becoming yet another thing I have to do for the family. I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he is sorry and will try harder – harder never comes. I asked him to clean up his kitchen mess because I’ve already cleaned it up three times and he says – “What – from your breakfast and lunch?” NO, from his dinner last night, his lunch today and my breakfast this morning! I HATE that I feel this way! I love my child and my husband but something has to give or I’m going to loss my mind. I even thought about going to a hotel for a weekend and not telling him – but that would be MEAN and I’d just have to clean everything up when I get home. Does anyone have advice or do I just need to understand this is what I signed up for, is this really what it’s like to be a stay-at-home? Thanks for your help – speak honestly – but step softly – I’m weak right now. Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:05am
I know how frustrating it can be when you feel like you're responsible for anything actually getting done around your house. I have three sons, (7 yrs and 4yr twins) and my husband works from home full time....which means that he thinks that he understands what my life is like because he's in the same house, even though he's down stairs in his office all day except when he comes up for lunch. :) I know that you said you've "talked" to your husband, but if you want my opinion, you need to TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. Set a time, tell him that between the hours of 9pm and 10pm (ie after your daughter is asleep) the two of you have unfinished business that WILL be discussed. Have a written list of chores that YOU do every day, and every week, and then a written list of the chores that you expect him to do--confronted with the disparity between the lists, you should have a fairly easy time of shaming him into doing the things that he should be doing simply because he loves and respects you... especially if you can write down beforehand the number of times YOU have done those chores he agreed to be responsible for in say, the last week, (be fair, but truthful) before you sit down with him. You need to show him what your schedule is actually like, even if that means planning a day when he has to stay home, and leaving an iron clad schedule of things that HAVE to get done that day with him, so he understands that you're not sitting around eating bon bons all day waiting for him to come home so you can nag him to take out the trash. Sadly, a lot of men still have their heads stuck in the '50's mentality that the "little woman" leads the life of luxury when they are home with the kids. It's time for him to realize that you do have a job--an infinitely important one, and that HE is making YOUR JOB very very hard. More importantly, he needs to realize that his indifference about it is insulting and uncaring to you both as his wife (friend, lover, companion...) and as the mother of his daughter. The fact of the matter is that you BOTH made the decision for you to stay home together, so him being the only salary earner right now doesn't make him "king of the castle" so to speak. If he wants to treat you like his personal maid, then I would suggest he get a second job so he can afford what you should be charging him to do so.... :) Otherwise, it's time for him to grow up and realize that you're his wife, not his mommy, (and even if his mommy was around, she should kick his hiney for not doing his fair share.)

HUGS and good luck~~~~~~~Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 8:40pm
Gosh, I so know how you feel. In a diffrent way, but feel the same.
My husband is gone 3 weeks at a time and home 3 weeks. He comes home and tried to do things, but ends up messing up everything I have done while he was away, like routines and ways I do stuff.
He is great with the kids, so I am happy he does that, but if he cleans or cooks, I just hate it

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