Advice? Son not invited to party.
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:37pm |
i posted this on another board, so sorry to anyone who's seen this already...
i don't know if this is an advice board, but if anyone has any ideas of how i can handle this i'd appreciate it.
my son was excluded from a bday party last Friday nite. i am surprised and hurt and wondering if i should ask the mom if there is some kind of problem i'm not aware of between the boys.
i have known this family for many years now and i am actually quite shocked that my son was not invited. my son is in first grade but we've known the family before kindergarten b/c there is a circle of friends that met through a local park. then the boys were in kindergarten together and had another mutual group of friends. We'll call the boy "Nick". In addition to knowing the boy from the park friends and the kindergarten group of friends, Nick's dad is a baseball coach and he picked my son for his team last year and again this year (this is recent since Little League just started). In addition, Nick has a little sister who is very good friends with my daughter - they're both in kindergarten and Nick's mom is the Daisy leader, so i see her all the time, and i was under the impression that we are friends. And my husband is friends with the dad through Little League and other sports. Our families are friends, and have been for quite some time. And all of the park friends were invited to the party, as well as all of the kindergarten friends. (they're in first grade now but there's no new circle of friends from first grade - it's the kindergarten friends that seem to have stuck). We have so many mutual friends that were all invited to the party that i would think that even if Nick had something against my son, his mom would make him invite my son anyway. and it's not like she kept the party small or anything. and even without the mutual friends the fact that our families are friends i would think he'd be invited anyway. i am just shocked beyond belief about this. and other people are also shocked, because people were asking me if my son was going to the party, just naturally assuming he would be invited, as i would also assume. i just told people michael couldn't make the party b/c we were going away that weekend, which is true, but we would have left after the party had he been invited.
i am only concerned about this because of all the mutual friends. i see this mom all the time between our girls being friends and our boys being in the same group of friends. they've never been especially friends with each other directly, but there are other kids in the group that are not great friends with him individually either and they were invited to the party. it's kind of a big group of friends that all play together but then he has a few good friends that he has playdates with. if it was just his close friends that were invited i wouldn't think twice about this but it seems like everyone was included except my son. even people that have less history with him than my son.
our sons are also in Cubscouts together. there was a Blue&Gold ceremony about a month ago and adults had to pay $20 each, so my husband and i decided just one of us would go b/c the cost was so high. i called her the day of the ceremony to ask her if she was going or her husband, b/c if the dads were all going my husband would go, but i would go if it was going to be just the moms. she told me Nick wasn't going b/c her husband was working and she didn't want to bring her 3 small daughters. i told her that we would be glad to bring her son since we were going anyway. she said no b/c she also had to work that day and her mom was coming to watch the kids and it was just easier if she had all the kids in one place that day. anyhow, low and behold, my husband ended up going and he said Nick was there after all but he went with another boy Sean. i still didn't think much of it b/c Sean is one of his good friends who he has playdates with. but now i'm thinking that maybe there was some reason she didn't want to send Nick with us.
and then last week when i picked my daughter up from Daisies, Nick's mom had all her kids with her at Daisies so i assumed her husband was working. i had to go to baseball right after Daisies, and Nick is on the team so i asked the mom if she wanted us to bring Nick with us to baseball since we were going anyway and so she wouldn't have to drag her 3 little girls to baseball. she said no thanks, her husband was on the way home to get him. So Nick ended up coming to baseball 20 minutes late when his dad got home. i didn't think anything of that either b/c i figured Nick wanted to wait for his dad.
and i knew at this point about the bday party my son was not invited to, but it just seems so ridiculous for my son to be not invited that i figured his invitation had gotten lost in the mail. i figured she wasn't asking me if my son was coming or not b/c she didn't want to put us on the spot if we weren't coming. but a good friend of mine who was also going to the party told me the mom called and asked her if her son was coming b/c she hadn't responded. so that pretty much confirms for me that my son was not in fact invited. b/c if the invitation was lost, and he was on the list, she would have called us to ask if he was coming too.
i'm not bent out of shape about my son missing one party. it's just that now i feel like i have this awkward thing with someone who i thought was my friend, and who i thought her son was friends with my son.
ps my daughter was invited to her daughter's bday party in the fall and i was invited to her Pampered Chef party in the fall, a party where she kept the list small.
i am wanting to ask her if there's some kind of problem between the boys or if i've offended her in anyway so that i can correct the problem if there is one. that's what's really bothering me -- it's not just about a stupid party. and like i've said, our lives overlap in so many ways that it just makes me sick to think there is a "thing" that i'm unaware of.
i feel like i need to say something to her b/c this is really bothering me. but my husband says i shouldn't b/c she'll tell all the other mothers and then i'll have a problem with the other mothers. (i haven't been discussing this with any of the other mothers - i didn't even tell them he wasn't invited. i just have one good friend who i've discussed it with and she is as mystified as i am. i wanted her to try and broach the subject with this mother but she doesn't see her very often and she doesn't call her very often so there would be no way for her to bring it up casually.)
by the way, this mother is so genuinely nice, which makes it even weirder. she's like Mother Teresa nice, so i can't imagine her doing something so very wrong. (people can invite whoever they want to their parties, but you have to understand that there are 2 separate circles of friends here, all of whom were invited except my son).
i should also say that my son couldn't care less about this, so it shouldn't bother me except that i really would like to know if there's a problem because i would definitely like to correct it. it would have to be something very big for her to exclude him like this and i honestly just have no idea what it could be.
any thoughts?

Hi there!
Unfortunately I too, haven't had much experience with this.
thank you for understanding this is not just about missing a party... i don't know if i will talk to the mother about it. i suppose she just has her reasons. i'm really wanting to talk to her to find out if there was an oversight. i think my feelings would be really hurt if i found out there was something to it. it's sad, but i'm not an offensive person and i would never do anything like this to anyone. when i make my kids bday lists i work so hard to make sure no one will be offended, and quite frankly, she's the same way. so i can only think she's got something against us and doesn't really care if she offends us. i think i'm just a little shocked because i've considered her a good friend and now i'm thinking she's not as great a friend as i thought.
oh well. there's alot of other fish in the friendship sea! the only good that could come of a conversation is that i find out there was just some kind of oversight. but i think it's more than that. and i guess i don't really want to know so i think i'm going to drop it. i don't know - the jury's still out. i'll see how things go. i won't rule her out as a friend but i won't consider her a good friend anymore. oh well. easy come, easy go.
i'm just so upset b/c it's a friendship issue for me. it's never fun to find out someone you think is a friend is actually not. i see my little girl going through these stupid girlfriend things in kindergarten. It never gets any easier. oh well. thank god my son has no clue, or i might be a little more angry about the whole thing. for now my feeling is, oh well. you can't please every one.
i'm tempted to say her kids should not hold their breath expecting any invitations from me. (her son was at my son's bday party last month - the nerve!) but I would never be like that. it's not the kids that make the invitation list.
i think i'm leaving the shocked and hurt phase and entering the "who the heck needs her anyway" phase! Alot easier to be angry! But now that i'm feeling angry i'm finding myself not really caring too terribly much what her little beef is! And if she thinks my son is going away just b/c SHE has a problem with him, she's got another thing coming. I have no problem with her, so if she doesn't care to be where we are, she can leave. We have mutual friends that meet at a local park and we also have mutual friends that meet on the school playground Friday afternoons to let the kids play for a couple of hours and our sons are on the same baseball team (chosen by her husband by the way b/c he's the coach and coaches pretty much pick their teams when their little before they start getting placed according to skill). i was worried that i'd feel uncomfortable, but not now with my new "who gives a hoot about you" attitude! now i say bring it on!
anyhow, thanks for being concerned and allowing me to vent a little!