After they start school?
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| Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:39pm |
I've been a sahm for over 7 years, since I was 5 months pg with my first child. I've loved it (well I've hated some of it too, but you all know how that is!) It was a huge sacrifice at first for me to stay at home (when #1 was born my dh didn't make much more than minimum wage) But we managed, and we have come a long way. I had always intended that I would go back to school and finish my degree (ds was born when I was 20 and in my second year of college) and go back to work once both of my children were in school.
Now that my son (almost 7) is in 1st grade and my dd (almost 4, will start K next year) is in preschool 3 mornings a week...I'm not sure. I love being free during the day to help at school and with the Parent Teacher Club (Monday I work in my dd's classroom, Wednesday I volunteer for the PTC, Friday's I work in my son's classroom) - our schools here have no aides and teachers are so overwhelmed, plus with a school of over 1000 kids only about 4 parents volunteer for the Parent Teacher Club, so I feel that I am really needed and it gives me a chance to really get to know their teachers and school. I also love being able to take them to soccer, dance and gymnastics classes (we'd have to cut all these if I worked since they would be in afterschool care and not have transportation to activities) and I love getting housework and errands done while they are in school.
I mentioned to dh the idea of me staying home even after our youngest starts 1st grade and he was not thrilled with the idea. He has been somewhat supportive of me staying home while they are babies, but has always been looking forward to the day when some of the financial burden would be lifted off of him. We manage now and are better off than we ever have been, but dh has kind of "topped out" as far his salary in his field. We can pay all the bills/mortgage, etc. on time, have plenty for food and a few extras (like soccer or dance for the kids), but that is it. Its always a worry when big things come up, like our a/c went out this summer ($1500) or our car broke down ($1000)...stuff like that is still a struggle. Plus extra things like family vacations, or nights out for dh and I are pretty much non-existant.
I guess my point was, what did everyone do/will you do once your kids start school? I'm starting think they almost need my time more NOW than they did before! But I had always been looking forward to finishing school myself and having a little more relaxed financial situation. Any thoughts or experiences anyone might have that would help me figure this out would be appreciated!
MichaelAnn
mommy to Chris (12/97) and Emily (11/00)

If you see my message below (posted for the first time today) both my girls are in school. My husband and I talked about me staying home this summer and then while they were in school. I enjoy being home knowing that I can always be there if they needed me. It is a hard decision to make, just go with your heart and what you really feel is best.
Leigh
Hi,
These are just my opinions...
I know what you mean. I had always planned to do the same. Now I homeschool my children so we are in a whole new lifestyle.
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I think I will just have to see how I feel in a year. It was so easy when they were babies to say "oh yeah I'll definitely go back to work when they are in school" Maybe I will be able to find something part-time...but I was in nursing school and wanted to eventually be a midwife...not exactly a part time type job!
Maybe I should have a 3rd so I don't have to think about it for another 5 years LOL! (my dh would NEVER go for that one!)
spring06sig2
To me, the (very personal) decision is first about what is realistic in terms of your income. And then, if your resources allow it (and you are not kidding yourselves about your level of financial security and ability to save for the future), you have to decide what set of sacrifices/advantages *you* (and your parnter) prefer: the personal and executional sacrifices required of you when trying to do career *and* family all at once for the satisfaction and security of a career ... vs. the sacrifice (maybe only temporary?) of some personal development (though a previous poster was right -- being a SAHM *is* like running a small business, it just doesn't get resume cred) and superficial respect and $$$ rewards for the satisfaction and relative security of being (hopefully) more present for your children.
In general, I think it's good to have some career, some plan in mind, whether you put it on hold or not, because the momma-gig is self-limiting. That is, kids grow up. And we all have more sides of ourselves to develop than the parent/caretaker role. Balance is important and there's hell to pay, sooner or later, if you ignore it. Not that working outside the home is the only way to develop yourself. It's just one very good, very practical way to expand your horizons.
My mom taught nursing and worked at various jobs in her profession throughout most of my growing up ... though often she was part-time or had flexible hours. I think I benefited from having an educated, female role model who was out in the world and from having to be more independant as a result. I don't regret her career one bit; I think the effects were only positive. But she did a good job juggling and I was a pretty tame (only-child!) when I was a minor(my folks kept me on a short leash). And if, God-forbid, something had happened to my dad or to their marriage, she would have been able to support herself (and me) reasonably well. I worry a lot about the income potential that I have sacrificed by being a SAHM. After 9/11, we all have to acknowledge that unexpected S*** happens. I once earned a salary comparable to my DH and could have conceivably been earning even more than he does by now. Instead, we made a big geographical relocation for the sake of his career ... I agreed because it was time to start a family and I figured that having kids would downshift my aspirations at least for the short-term anyway.
Now I stay at home full time, but I miss the satisfaction, respect and material rewards of my work and I plan to re-enter some form of my former profession someday. I think about the timing of those plans everyday. I worry about how successful I will be at reinventing my career constantly. I worry a little about what we are modeling for my kids -- this Ozzie and Harriet division of labor. Though when they are old enough, I will explain my choices if they want to understand. (Now-a-days, you have to do what works for you and forget labels, forget what other people think.) I regret agreeing to the big move because it sidetracked a side of my development that I *now* realize was *almost* as important to me as having kids. For me, personally, choosing between work and full-time motherhood was like trying to choose between my right arm and my left arm ... and choosing the right because I am right-handed. In other words, I still feel like I've lost a big piece of myself, even though motherhood is slightly more indispensable to me. :)
That said, there ARE NO PART TIME MOMS. I have a hard time reconciling in my own mind what kind of mom I'd be if I (me personally) were trying to do it all. There was a lot of stress in my old job; there is a different (but very real) kind of stress in staying at home. My observation is that although I have a supportive partner and we try to be a team ... men (because of the way we raise them) excel at work. Period. Whatever's left after the day ... well that's a hobby ... gravy ... what a guy! *I* would feel enormous pressure to be excellent on both fronts and I think the tension between work and my kids would drive me insane and make me a very mean, angry person. ... But then again, I'll never know until I try. I'm just gambling for now on the saying that you *can* have it all, just not all at once. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel lucky to have the option of staying at home. I feel determined to do a good job for my kids, whether that's at home for now or balancing home and work later. And I know that from this patch of green grass where I sit, longing for what I've given up, I am underestimating all of the agony I would feel handing my little kids over to someone else for big portions of every day ... and half-doing both of my jobs because I am over-commited all around.
Don't know if this will be of any use to you. This is just my perspective based on my circumstances. Good luck!
Edited 10/12/2004 7:39 pm ET ET by donachiara
Edited 10/12/2004 7:58 pm ET ET by donachiara
My oldest is in Kindergarten and my youngest will be one in 2 months.
I also want to stay home with both children in school, so I can help them. My mom did the same and it turned out to be a good thing she did. I loved school because of it and she was there for us when we needed her in class or we were sick.
I am hearing the same from my husband about me getting a job to help with bills once they both are in school.
I am torn, I want to help my children as well as my husband and family.
I hope you both can work this out and do what is best for you and your children.