Am I wrong?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Am I wrong?????
13
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 10:06pm
Okay I would like to get some opinions on a matter that has been bothering me a great deal. I am a stay-at-home mom to a 5yr old a 3yrold and a 4mth old. I babysit for the little girl across the street who is ADD w/ violent outbursts. Mostly I babysit because it is helpful and convenient to her mother plus I bring her and pick her up from afternoon nursery school. So here is the problem I am having, her mother brings her to my house when she is taking the day off from work(so far it has been 6 days since Jan 1st) and still expects me to bring her and pick her up from school while she's having a nice quiet day off, directly across the street I am ripping all of my hair out. So today she brought her over 7:30 a.m. while she(the mother) was still in her pj's and said she was taking the day off again. So I asked her (seeing how she was home and I had an appt) if she would pick her daughter up at 10:30(so my poor husband then would not have to babysit) and I told her I would be back by noon to bring the child to school. She said no that she really didn't feel like it but she guessed she had no choice and then proceeded to slam my door and stomp off back across the street. I am feeling a little taken advantage of not to mention extremely annoyed. Am I wrong????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 10:26pm
No way!! I'm amazed at the attitude people have when they should be thankful for all that you do to begin with. She obviously does not appreciate how difficult it is to find a loving and conveniently located caretaker to watch her daughter who has special needs. I would have a heart to heart with her about your expectations and if that doesn't help I would strongly consider stepping away from that situation. It's not healthy for you or your family and that's your first priority. Unfortunately, I think there is a larger problem with the mother that you probably can't solve. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:17am
I had a similar situation with my SIL. Our DD's went to Kindergarten together, so I offered to keep her DD (DH's neice) for the second half of the day so she didn't have to find daycare for her (she was recently seperated from her DD, and all of us in the family were trying to help her). Well, I had her DD five days a week, and every non-school day (including holiday breaks). I found out that she would go home/stay home sick (from a hang over, or some other minor illness) and would not even breath a WORD about taking her own DD for the day! I usually found out at the end of the day when she would send her mom over (my MIL) to pick up her DD. What the heck?? Who watches my kids when "I'M" sick?? There were even times she would take off work to run errons, and just take the rest of the day off (if she had a doctor's appointment at 10:00 am, she would just not go in to work at all), and I would STILL have her child!! I was doing this out of the kindness of my heart, and I was lucky to get a THANK YOU from her! One time she and I got in a huge fight (she actually got in the middle of a fight DH and I were having) and started thowing things in my face, like how I don't "do anything all day!" She proceeded to pester me to list ONE thing I do everyday as a housewife. Well, there are a million things I COULD have said, but in the heat of the moment, I lashed out by saying "for ONE, I am watching YOUR kid around, giving her rides to everything so you don't have to!" (I picked her up from school, and at the time she was in DD's Girl Scout troop that I took her too and from, just to name a few). Well, she threw a fit that I DARED to use that against her! UGH. I couldn't tell you how much money I saved her, and that was the thanks I got! Called me lazy and all kinds of things because I was a housewife. I can't even imagine how much money I saved her watching her kid for a whole school year and a bunch during the summer!

Anyway, I know how you feel. One thing I learned, if you don't speak up, they think they have complete control. A little gratitude is not asking too much, and it goes a LONG way! PLEASE stand up for yourself, it won't get any better unless you do!

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 6:59am
You are not wrong. With all due respect, this woman is taking advantage of you. In addition to this, she isn't even willing to help you out WITH HER OWN DAUGHTER!!! You mentioned that you babysit "because it is helpful and convenient to her" It doesn't sound like she ever does anything helpful for you or convenience you in any way. This is not how good friends and neighbors behave.

Not that this would condone her behavior, but is this woman paying you? If it's a question of earning extra income you could definitely find other mothers much more respectful and appreciative of your time and caregiving skills.Is this one of those situations that started out with you watching her daughter here and there and has now snowballed into an unacceptable situation?

It isn't just a question of fairness to you but your family as well. You said that her daughter is prone to "violent outbursts" is this a kid you want around your children not to mention a 4 month old baby?

It may seem to be a difficult situation to get out of but if you don't do it now it will only get worse (if that's even possible).

You can tell her that now that you have a baby you really need to concentrate your time and energy on your own family. This way you are getting out of it in a way that will give her the least amount of leverage in the guilt and bullying dept. How can she argue you wanting to devote more time to your baby? Stick to that one reason. Don't give any others (even though there are tons!) If you keep repeating you want to devote more time to your family it will pick up it's own momentum. Sticking to one reason is better than multiple reasons anyway. It's direct and to the point. It also sounds firmer whereas several reasons can sound wishy-washy. It will definitely not be easy at first. She will get more demanding and pushy. But if you stand your ground she will eventually see that she cannot wear you down. I'd say lots of luck but this isn't about luck but your strength in standing up for yourself! Keep us posted...
Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 7:14am

Hi,, listen I can tell you after 12 years of doing daycare in my home, it takes all kinds and you need to get out of this one!


Some parents just don't get it,, when I 1st started reading your post I was going to say that maybe this mother needed a break once in awhile from a special needs child,, but she is just wrong, I CAN'T BELEIVE SHE WOULD EXPECT YOU WITH YOUR OWN 3 KIDS to still take her;s when she is home,, Ughhh!!


Ya Know I know you are neighbors but I would sit with her and give her a contract of some sort and state that although you enjoyed watching so and so, that with your 3 it's just too much and give her a 2 week notice and maybe try to give her some other examples of who could now watch her. Really it will only help you in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 7:30am
I used to do home daycare and yes you are being taken advantage of! If you're not doing this for the extra cash, then I'd just tell her to find someone else. We can't expect every parent to have the same values as us (such as spending quality time with the children we bring into this world), but she's taking it too far. You shouldn't have to ask her to take care of her own child when she'll be home anyway. It sounds like you've been doing her a big favor for a while (even if she does pay you), and she can't return the favor for even one day! This may sound harsh, but I'd scrape her off before it gets worse. Just my opinion. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:06pm
Honey, you are not wrong. Your feelings are valid and if you feel like you are being taken advantage of, you are. Find a peaceful, civil way to cut your losses and move on. Be prepared that no matter how nice you are she may not have the best reaction. Do whats best for you and your family and let her find someone else to take advantage of. Confrentation (sp?) is never easy but you cant sacrifice your emotional wellbeing for someone like that. She may be a good person and honestly not realize she is taking advantage of you but you owe it to yourself and your family to take a stand.

Your in my thoughts,

Jennifer

in Alabama

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 4:41pm
this EXACT same thing happened to me...i started watching a neighbors kids as A FAVOR...."PART TIME"... which eventually turned into full time. her mom was an independent advertising sales, so i was asked to watch her dd while mom was on the road..ok.. no problem.was supposed to be just a couple hours a day 2-3 days a week....UNTIL.. it became 8 hrs a day 5 days a week... until the day....i found the mom.. AT HOME. while i had HER KID..........i was a bit pissed..... SORRY...it was a favor. yes i was getting paid. but i have 2 kids of my own, at the time 2 and 3.....and i stayed home for a reason.TO SPEND TIME WITH MY KIDS. not to babysit everyone elses kid while they did as they feel......... sit that woman down and tell her point blank..... i WILL NOT watch your child while you are at home, or running errands or getting hair done or what ever.ONLY while you work. and if she cant deal with that, then she will move on.... life is too short and our kids are only young once..... no reason to waste that time on people like that
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 2:01am
If the little girl is having outbursts at your house, she probably is at home too and mom needs a break. My 6 yr old was like that for over 2 yrs so I know how hard it is on the parents. However, if her mom has the day off there is no reason you should take her to and from preschool. You are being taken advantage of. I think you should tell, not ask, her mom to take her to and from school on her days off. If she cops an attitude again, you have every right to quit watching her child. It might be hard on the little girl to have a different babysitter, but her mom needs to learn to appreciate all that you do for her. That's what I would do anyways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 8:19am
That would piss me off. If the mother had a day off from work I would say excuse me but why am I watching your child on your day off. I need a break too. And if she gives you an additude I would quite because it's not worth the money. Because you can find other baby sitting jobs in your area. I hope this helps. But I agree with you. Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:14am
I seen this and just had to reply. I also watch a friends two boys and she has tried on several occasions to take advantage of me. I do not get paid though. She is a single mom and I am trying to help her while she gets back on her feet. I really had to put my foot down at the beginning. I told her straight out, that this is a favor and I am not their parent. The only time now I watch her kids is while she is at work. No ifs, ands or buts. She use to go get her hair done or run errands while I had her boys, that would enrage me. I have four kids and want time with them. Now though things are better, but I had to tell her straight out how it was.

Just talk to her, you are being taken advantage of.

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