Anyone dealing w/ DH's depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Anyone dealing w/ DH's depression?
5
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:39pm
I'm new here and just wondering if anyone has any pointers for me. I wont go all the way into it but here is a short run down. I'm 25 he is 26 we have a 3yr. old daughter, a 4mo. old son and a little dog. We've been married for 5 years. I stay at home w/ the kids he works in the computer field. Depression runs in his family. I've never dealt w/ it in my life, prior to him. He has gotten help and is on medication. Things were wonderful for a while and now it seems as though the meds arent working. Getting him to the doctor the first time was hard work, getting him to open up was something else! I'm trying to get him back in, he says "what for? Obviously nothing works" I know thats not true and Im working on him. I'm not going to give up on him or leave him or join him ;) I just want to know if anyone has some ideas on how to deal with him in the meantime. I try to stay the upbeat positive person that I am, happy with the most simple things, but when he is so gloomy, and down in the dumps all the time...it's hard. I wonder if it's not long before I crack? He will get happy for a little while, I turn my back and when I turn again he is back to head hung low and sad. I ask what's the matter you were just happy? He says "I dont know Im just sad" and shuts himslef down again. We don't have money problems ok, well not big ones anyways, who couldnt use a little extra. We have religion, awesome kids, I love his every being and I let him know it.

If anyone can help I'd appreciate it!! Anything??????

Thank you

I'd sign my name but Im not crazy....he's in the computer field! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:42pm

I am not going through this but wanted to tell you that you have such a wonderful spirit about you! I am not sure how or if I would be able to handle all that you do. It must tear your heart our to see someone you love go through that.


I think you are an amazing person!


I did a search engine check on "dealing with a spouse who has depression" and got quite a lot back. Here are a couple I found...


http://ivy_league0.tripod.com/rhyme_of_the_ancient_wanderer/id63.html


http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/print.php?artID=526


Good luck to you! I will be thinking and praying for your family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:31pm
This brings back memories for me. My good friend and neighbor's husband suffered from untreated depression. It was never discussed until it was too late. He left behind many people that loved him, a young wife, and 2 year old daughter. I think you are on the right track...You see the problem and know it can be treated. It is a disability and part of the problem is not understanding that it is a treatable disability.

My opinion....Seek treament together. You both will need it for the relationship. Just my opinion... as I have a screaming child...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers!*

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:00pm
ok..

1. tell him you want to go w/ him to see if a nice counselor can make a positive difference for him- what's to lose? tell him

2. find a really nice, caring, involved counselor!!!!

not the usual ones.

3. ideally that counselor is a psychiatrist m.d. & can prescribe or could be a counselor w/ someone in their practice who liasons w/ them to prescribe.

4. med's stop working- there are tons of med types & each individ. med is different.

5. a super cool talk therapist makes a big difference.

6. keep him active - exercising is huge- even though depressed people really HATE doing it- afterwards he'll feel better- just get him to walk w/ you at night w/ the strollers at a fast pace for 30 minutes. just do it!!

7. keep him doing things. out in the community. go to every church activity.

don't let him feel lonely or in a rut.

he's sensitive to those 'triggers' i bet.

most of all- don't join him & don't make him worse if you can help from getting annoyed w/ him.

you are not at all the reason. it has nothing to do w/ you but you can help.

i've seen these things work. my Sis got it to work for her DH.

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:21pm
I feel so much for you. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all that. And I know your pain!

Honestly, I could have written a post like yours. My DH comes from a long line of depressive/manic depressive people, and although he was not very gloomy when we met, he has progressively grown worse as time has worn on. If I began writing all that down here, I'd have a sad Russian novel ...

If medication has worked, that's wonderful --- but the worst part about medication is that almost all depressives stop taking it once they begin feeling better. Sometimes, it's because they cannot bear the clarity of seeing *why* they are sad. The truth is too hard, and so they prefer to burrow deep inside a cloudy depression rather than face everything head on. The best thing is to help them talk through it.

Each depression case is individual, though. Everyone's sorrows can be different (to badly paraphrase Tolstoy who said that each sad family is sad in its own way). My advice may not work for your husband ... My husband's depression began once we lost baby Rafael back in 1998, and it's been years now of worsening depression, mixed in with moments of joy and happiness, when he can get through the dark clouds and see us on the other side. Since that time, I've received so much advice, everything ranging from trying to convince him to go to therapy (Preston refuses); to threatening to leave him (Preston, despite this severe depression, adores the children, and they adore spending time with him, so that would be foolishness on my part to leave him); to every bit of advice under the sun.

I'm sure you'll find solid advice from the links from mombeetx, but I wanted to give you specifically advice on how to live with a depressed person.

Keep living.

That may sound obvious, but I needed to say it. Loving someone with such severe depression can suck the life right out of you. The depression is a plague that spreads to you, and you start to have thoughts and horrible feelings that wound and poison your own mind. I know that you can start to feel inadequate ("Why aren't I enough to keep him happy? Why can't a loving people make him happy?") and then you can start to hate yourself and grow sadder ... or then get through that and then just grow frustrated and it can be tempting to constantly badger and nag him through the depression. You may even find yourself bad-mouthing the man you love to your friends because you feel you are going to go crazy if he does not just snap out of it. All these emotions come and go, and it can be so difficult.

But keep living.

The best advice I received from a friend was to keep living, live your life as if your husband was not depressed.

* Continue to do things with your children and be happy --- don't feel guilty for being happy! (I enrolled Essie in ballet, we do Mommy & Me preschool)

* Find friends to help you through it, not that you'll dump on them all the time but it's good to have friends to talk to about their lives and maybe not live so focused on your own life as a soap opera.

* Get your own interest. (For me, I took up an instrument and an art form.) It's good to have something in which you can see progress ... because sometimes, living with a depressed person, you feel like you're going around in circles sometimes.

* Share this with your DH. At first, I didn't want to tell Preston anything about my own stuff. I didn't want to make him feel bad for being a depressed and sad sack ... but then I realized if I share stuff, he may get interested in some things, too. And I didn't want to treat him like an outcast and shut him out of my life, so I told him, and ... you know ... He opens up, too, sometimes.

* Pray --- You have to spend time in prayer for your spouse. Prayer will strengthen you, grant you grace and help you through some sad times. I pray a lot ... It strengthens me, and it also puts things into perspective. It helps me focus towards what is greater and stronger and bigger than my troubles. It helps me to remember that *I* am not in control of Preston, although I can help. *I* cannot save Preston, but God can be there and when Preston finally realizes that his troubles and sorrows are not too great for God to bear or listen to, He will realize that God has always been with him. Preston, I think, has forgotten that, so I do my best to share what I read from Thomas Merton or C.S. Lewis or Scripture and try to feed the spiritual hunger that I see growing in my husband. And then I pray and place Preston in God's hands.

I hope this helps somehow, and do know that I am praying for you and yours.

~ Maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:23pm

First of all, I agree with the prior post that said you should seek treatment together. VERY good idea.

I deal with this as well. And it's not just DH, it's my family, too. (Scares me for my kids.) He was on medicine for a while, and it was awesome. Then he got fired from his job ten days before the birth of our first son. To make that worse, he wasn't fired for legit reasons, and these were people that used to be his friends. We went to church with them, we trusted them. The people he worked for were very crooked (I've worked for them, too.) And they have since gone into bankruptcy and have multiple lawsuits against them. So he felt totally betrayed. To make matters worse, of course we lost our insurance, so we couldn't afford the medicine. Then we had to leave our apartment and move in with my parents in a run-down small house with our brand new baby. We have both been very depressed. The hard thing about it is that when he's depressed, he won't even talk AT ALL. I will say something simple, and no response. That gets me so mad, then we fight, and then we are both more depressed. Okay, I'm babbling...

Basically, I would say just be patient. Try therapy. Don't try too hard to cheer him up. If it's bad and you need a breather, just go somewhere and chill out, think about how to deal. Pray. I wish you the best.