Anyone else here have a workaholic DH?
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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 4:36pm |
I'm new to this board, mostly because I'm new to the whole SAHM thing. I have a 12 week old son, JT, whom I love tremendously. Recently, my husband made it to Sr. VP at his company and instead of working fewer hours (which he had promised to do once the baby was born) he has done the opposite. I feel very alone sometimes. And I highly doubt that I am the only one who feels as though I'm a single mom.
I'm going to be joining a MOPS group that is close to where I live. I'm hoping with their support and by getting out to join other new mom groups that I can feel like I'm getting the psychological support I need. I know military moms have their support groups.
I think I need to vent, though, because I'm starting to feel like I've made a mistake in getting pregnant so soon after getting married. It also doesn't help that my husband has visitation rights to two girls from a previous marriage. I know it will take a while for the girls to understand that their dad has to share his time between three children, one of them being a helpless newborn, but it doesn't make it any easier. But what I didn't anticipate was my husband not spending quality time with the baby. He often says he is the victim of tunnel vision. When he's at work, his mind is only on work. And when he is home, his mind is only on home. But while that is true, most of the time, with the girls when they are here... the same doesn't seem to be true with the baby. He's trying to read the newspaper or watch television instead of engaging the baby for one on one interaction.
I guess while I thought he was a good father overall, it turns out he's not that great when the children are babies. And I'm very disappointed. Silly me for thinking the age of the child didn't matter. But my husband has fallen asleep on the couch with the baby about to fall out of his arms because he thinks he's paying attention to the baby but he's really not. And he won't let me take the baby from him because he says "it's his time with the baby" since I spend all day with him. Then he gets upset that I'm interfering with how he's raising his son. Excuse me for knowing the difference between engaging a baby and letting him cry because I'm not paying attention to him.
Am I overreacting because I'm a new mom? Am I being overprotective? I don't tell my husband how or what to do with the baby and I only offer suggestions when the baby has been crying for an hour because my husband isn't giving him his full attention. But even those few times I make a suggestion, he feels I'm butting in. We agreed before we got married that we wouldn't interfere with each other's parenting styles but when the baby keeps crying because his daddy doesn't know how to placate or keep him occupied (as if that's a sin that a baby should be interested in what he's doing during his waking hours. He's too young to play with toys by himself and he does stay in the swing for as long as he can without me interrupting him). The baby doesn't really know who my DH is and if he were home more he would.
What have any of you ladies done about this situation? I hate to say that a part of me wants to call it quits with him because I'd be better off being a true single mom or finding some guy who does keep his promises and doesn't keep working late because he's a workaholic. I would have thought that my husband was confident enough in himself both at home and at work to be able to juggle both responsibilities perfectly. Now that I know I'm wrong, I just want to fix the situation as quickly as possible. I was too nice to be okay with him working very hard to get his promotion. But now that he has it, it's as if he's abusing my graciousness by continuing to let work interfere with his time with the baby. And that is just not right.
I'd like to hear what you have to say on the subject and thanks for letting me vent!
Christina
Mommy of JT, 12wks

I think getting together with a mom's group of some sort is a great idea. I've noticed, in all the activities we go to, that the moms who are in some sort of Mother's Club are happier and less stressed than everyone else. My application is sitting right here just waiting for my dh to give me the registration money (grrrr).
Next, most men suck with babies. It's just not in their nature to nurture that way. I think men are built more for play. My dh is much better with our second baby than he was our first, but he still is sooooooooo much better with ds who is 3 than dd who is 1. I bet once the baby starts doing "boy" things and his girls start becoming teenagers that there will be some sparks because they will think he likes his son better. It'll all even out in the attention that he gives them all, I am sure.
Now, about the intervening in parenting styles.... that's a little trickier. If he is really endangering the baby, of course, you need to do something. If he's just not engaging the baby, well, I don't know. Is it really worth a fight? Maybe you could try to make evenings "family time" instead of Daddy and baby time? You could all play together somehow. Kind of teach your dh to interact without being obvious about it. Just a few thoughts. Like I said, I think as your son grows older your dh will get better and better. It'll be more productive in the long run for this not to be a big source of stress for all of you.
Let's see, what else... oh the workaholic thing. I doubt there's much you can do about that. His ambition is probably one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place, right? Just sit down and tell him that you feel like you and your son are getting the short end of the stick and you wish he would make a point of scheduling some more time for you. Not much more you can do than that, I'm afraid. Ultimatums might just make things worse.
Finally, the first few years of a baby's life are a very, very stressful time. The first year in particular. My kids are 3 and 1 and I am ready to just leave for the Bahamas some days. I am promised that it does get easier though. {{HUGS}} again. I always feel a lot better after I come here to vent. I hope you do too and I hope maybe something of what I've rambled on about here has helped you.
Proud Mommy to Cameron (8/4/01) and
Cassia (7/15/03)

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Thank you, Jenny, so much for your words of wisdom. Born of experience, your perceptions are spot on. I do think that it's high time for a "State of the Union" session with just the two of us. Those are what I call our talking about our relationship time. I may just have to take up the neighbor on her offer to babysit a couple of hours and go to dinner with my hubby so I can air out my grievances. I was also thinking that I may just invite my MIL down for a couple of days so she can help me get JT's room ready. This way I will feel better knowing that DH and I can go out as a couple if she is there to watch the baby. Plus, she is very helpful (especially being a nurse for over 40 years and having raised 5 kids!) and I like her company.
I think I'm a victim of the past couple of months (really since JT was born) being so crazy with DH being gone for a week to China and his company being sued for a project they did, etc. I do think that if I state that JT and I need more of his time and he can figure out how to get it done, then it will fall on him to keep his promise. Heck... I'm trying to keep up my end of the bargain and not ask him to cook, clean, babysit, etc. now it's his turn to keep his end of the bargain!
Thanks again for letting me vent... I feel soooooo much better. (of course, maybe because the baby is finally sleeping is also helping :-)
Christina
As for parenting skills, I wouldn't let him sit there with the baby if he were crying for over 5 minutes and your husband wasn't doing anything but that is just me and my husband thinks I am a big pain in the butt ( so its up to you) Suggesting a game or walk maybe ( he can push if he wants to ) is a great idea. My husband would sit out on our back porch in our swing with the baby while I would do dishes at night after dinner ( he will no longer do this now so he gives my 15 month old a bath) It's all a matter of maniulating them into thinking it's their in
I do hope that things get better over time. Some people just are diffrent with children.
I do hope he starts to spend more time with your son and does not miss out on this special time with him. They are not babies forever.
(((((((HUGS)))))))