Is anyone jealous that you are a SAHM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Is anyone jealous that you are a SAHM?
11
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 5:43pm
I've told some friends that I will be a SAHM and I get horrible reactions like, "You'll be bored." or "I couldn't imagine not having a life outside of my kid" etc. The thing is, I KNOW these people and I know if they could stay home, they would. This only makes me feel guilty b/c I'm able to stay home and others are not. I don't talk about it to them unless they ask, but when they ask I get negative responses.

How do you respond? I don't like getting into it with them so I just don't say anything but I really want to respond when I get these comments. I know I won't be bored. I have a child who needs me and I plan to do things with him and my mom, SIL and MIL (they don't work either). And as far as a "life" outside of kids...what is that? Seriously, I WANT my son to be my life that is why I'm quitting my job. I worked very hard to become an attorney and it's not an easy decision to make, especially since DS was a little surprise and I hadn't planned on having a child for another couple of years so that I could enjoy my hard earned career for a little while.

I just wish I had more support. My family is very supportive and most of my friends are, but the ones who aren't just try to make me feel guilty.

What do you do?

Kelly

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:11pm
Kelly:

It sounds like those who are responding that way are clearly jealous. I was a professional before I had my DS and I can tell you that many people had responded like that to me and it was from pure jealously. I, like you did not talk about it unless they brought it up and then I just brushed the surface and then changed the subject. Being a SAHM is the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have had. I call myself a "domestic engineer" because not only do I take care of my DS, I take care of my DH, the bills being paid on time, the house, cooking (yeah, right....when I can), staying in touch with family, etc... and I am very proud and happy of the job I have. You are right that your son is your life and why would you want anything different?! It sounds like you have some jealous friends in your life, but a very supportive family and DH and when it comes down to it, that is EVERYTHING. Enjoy being a SAHM!

-Elyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:13pm

Kelly,


Congrats on coming home. I got this alot

Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:22pm
Welcome to parenthood! People will be attempting to make you feel the need to either justify yourself or apologize about any number of things - from pacifier use to your stance on co-sleeping to discipline to childcare. The list is endless!

A wise parent on one of the other parentsplace boards taught me what she refers to as the "bean dip defense." When someone says "You'll be SO bored. And you'll have NO life. How awful!!" To this you respond, "Yeah. Some people really do feel that way. Hey, before I forget, I have this great new bean dip recipe I really HAVE to give you. Just let me write this down. You're gonna love it!" You can use the "bean dip" defense by inserting a movie recommendation, a web site or software program the other person REALLY must see, a book you've been meaning to loan, etc.

The fact of the matter is, you don't want to be in a position of endlessly justifying yourself and you aren't going to change anyone else's mind on a subject like parenting. So the only thing you can do is create the quickest possible exit from the conversation.

It is clear that you are happy with your choice to be a SAHM. That's all that matters. Congratulations! - Suzanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:16pm
I can share in your frustration! The comment that really gets me going is when my sisters and Mom say "what else do you have to do" or "you're the one with the most time" when they want me to plan family activities. I think part of it is jealousy and part of it is not understanding what stay at home mom's do all day! I grew up in a family that everyone worked full time, so it's hard for them to realize that staying home is a full time job and it is stressful at times to take care of a baby 24/7! I'm sorry I don't have any words of advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! Welcome to the group!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:28pm
Hi Kelly

I can totaly relate to what you have experienced, I think most of us can!!!

I get those snide comments all the time. People think we just sit on the couch all day watch Oprah! There are millions of things to do, some are fun, and others are not, ie house cleaning ect.

I stopped justifing my decision to people, I just look at them and say each to thier own. Most people who are rude, are friends or family that for one reason or another can't stay home, and therefore lash out at those who can, and try to degrade them by making snotty comments about our day to day life, no outside life, how bored we must be, on and on.

I have even had a friend say to me that since I "gave up" my life (job) that I don't have a right to consider myself an equal to my husband, and that bascially I was setting the womans right movement back decades. Unbeleiveable how stupid some people are. Good luck, and tough it out, eventually they will hopefully go way!!! Or get pregnant and decide to stay home as well!!! ps, excuse the grammar & sp, my dd "helping" me type.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:38pm
My sis seems to be.
She says I must sit and do nothing, but when I mention I don't, she grills me on what I do.
I don't mind, cause I know how busy I am, and dont have to prove it to anyone.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 2:12pm
Kelly,

(tongue in cheek) I'm jealous! :-) But in a good way -- so happy for you.

I work part-time now and it's been working out great. But recently as the kids have gotten older, it's "greatness" is wearing off. If it's not the disappointments w/ the sitter, it's how we are ever going to handle the kindergarten shuttle issue (we, by the way, is a realative term. I mean me.), etc, etc.

As part-time seems to be the best of both worlds, and I'm ever so greatful I've been able to do it, I'm thinking more and more about how to make the SAHM move. My problem is $$$. As a professional, an atty no less, how are you affording it? I really don't mean to be as nosey as that sounded. I'm an accountant and I've figured it up every which way and still can't get it down enough.

Please don't be offended by my question; I'm hoping you can shed some light on a point or 2 that maybe I overlooked.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 3:30pm
Kelly,

These negitive people may really believe that you will be bored at home. I always planned on returning to work when my newborn was 4 months old but it never happened thanks to my persistant dh! I have been home with him (and now his brothers) for 7 years and can honestly say bordom is NOT a problem! lol

I had friends that really felt that I would not be able to "handle" being home full time and that I would return soon after ds turned 1. I have since lost touch with these "friends" and have made MANY new friends that feel the same way I do. I'm sure it will happen for you also.

I love being home with my children! Good luck to you, Sam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:16pm
No problem being "nosey." lol. How are we going to afford it? Well, DH is an attorney too and makes a good salary. It won't be easy by any means. We will just have to give up a lot of stuff. But we also planned ahead...we bought a house we knew we could afford on one salary. We paid off DH's car and though I need a new one, I'm not getting an expensive one and we are getting 0% financing through a credit card offer (0% for the life of the balance). We also paid off all of our credit cards when I foudn out I was pregnant. We had to really work on that one and give up a lot of nights out for it. We've always only bought big purchases by saving up for them and paying cash. We used to go on 2-3 vacations a year (only if we could pay cash for them) and I know that will end now. Which is fine. We're also giving up air condition for the summer (except on really hot days - we've only had it on 2 days so far this summer).

We believe in private education and we are beginning a savings account for that already. I have to admit though, we have wonderful parents who are comfortable financially and they have set up college funds for Alex so we're lucky we don't have to worry about that.

I also try to save money with coupons, buying in bulk, etc. I don't buy clothes for myself anymore really. I have tons (in many different sizes! lol) and by not working I won't have to buy expensive suits anymore, as if I needed any! lol. And, it's a pain and I feel badly b/c I would love to buy DS all the cute little clothes I see, but I don't. He has 5 pairs of pj's for each size and enough outfits for more than a week...it means more washing, but DS won't remember how many outfits he had when he was 3 months old, but he will remember the times he had with me being home. And, to be honest, between my parents, DH's parents, my SILs (who adore Alex - long story but none of them have kids yet - if they ever will) so the clothing and toys are pretty well taken care of by others at this point, but I certainly don't count that in our budget b/c you can't rely on others to take care of those things.

Another "trick" my dad taught me (who is also an accountant ;o) - I have 2 "piggy banks". One I put all silver change in and the other all pennies. When they fill up, I roll them up and sometimes have $100 or more at one time! We use that for little "extras" like going out to dinner or buying something nice for ourselves. It's odd b/c people rarely use change so you don't really miss it and it does add up!

If we find it's not working out with me not working, I can get another job. I look at this way - I can always get another job (even if not in my field) but I will never get this time back with Alex. So I figure it's worth a try. Plus I'm not happy with where I am now, so leaving isn't that big of a deal for me emotionally. Also, the first year we were married, I was still in law school and only working 1 day a week so we survived on DH's salary then. Granted we didn't have a baby then, but we also still had our "luxuries." So I figure it will even out. lol. We will have to give up a lot - dinners/nights out, vacations, my favorite pass time - shopping! lol, but we are both committed to doing it.

At least you get more time with your kids than if you worked FT. I hope I could help, but I'm sure you thought of all these things.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 6:49pm
Kelly,

At first I wanted to tell you that I do find that some people are jealous and some are just mean. I am very frank with them...I tell them that I refuse to pay someone to raise my son. The very thought of putting him in daycare for 10 hours per day makes me sob! As far as it being "easy" to stay home...that comes from someone who never did it.

My son is 2 months old and I have been home since I was 30 weeks pregnant and that has been the best time of my life. Draining, yes, and some days are almost more than I can take. But, then I see him smile for the first time and the first time he has played with his toys and I think that I could have missed it and that is unbearable.

I truly respect any woman who puts her family in front of her career. I think that my son will be a better person because of this time and someday he will be supportive of his wife staying home with their children and then I think that I am doing this for more right now and that makes it even better.

I must admit that staying at home is very difficult financially, but SO worth it!\

Congrats on your decision and I hope that you can find some support. I think that when I feel discouraged I cling to my husband because he is more supporting than anyone. I hope that you can do the same.

Good Luck to you and congrats on the most fulfilling career you will ever embark upon!

--Gen

Andrew 5/6/04

Pages