Bad marriage? Is this unfair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Bad marriage? Is this unfair?
11
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:36am
Hi ladies... I know I dont post here often, but Im hoping someone can help me.
I will try and make this short and to the point. I have been married since 2001 and we've had our ups and downs but we are really struggling lately. We have a zero sex life, he is always trying and I am always making excuses, I feel like I am always treated like a sex object, hardly any romance like there used to be. Also dh owns his own company and is a consultant, he has been working a few projects here and there but he nothing steady yet. Also our landord informed us that he is selling the house that we rent so not only does dh need to look for a job but we need to look for a new place to live as well, stressful right?
So we were chatting this morning and I was telling him that I am stressed beyond belief, my 17 month old is still very clingy to me and I told him I just need a little time to myself. I have a gym membership but it needs to be renewed and its only 100 dollars for the year. I asked him if we could renew it and he said ok and then I askd him are you sure can we afford it and he started yelling at me. He said if you need the gym to destress whatever just go. Then I told him he sometimes makes me feel bad about myself because everytime we argue it turns it around on me saying that how I say things to him are insulting and that I try and be mean and that is NOT the case!
I spent a couple of hours when baby was asleep looking for a job for him and an apartment, but nothing is ever good enough. I am thinking about seeking professional counseling but Im not sure if it will do any good. I think he is very selfish man.
Also it pisses me off because when he argues if I say the wrong thing he blows up big time and the more I try and calm him down the angrier he gets, ie this morning he threw his coffee all over the kitchen and it got on his new suit I even offered to buy him a new one. I have no idea what to do. I just dont understand how he can want to talk about things he gets mad when I dont open up but then he blows up at me, wtf??? I told him I dont want my daughter to see that either its not healthy. I grew up in that kind of enviroment and I'll be damned if she does too.
I am stressed out to the max and need a vacation soo badly, god its been years since we've had one and it was a short vaca too. I feel very depressed that he wont even listen and talk things about rationally...sigh
He has always said that I am such a lucky woman to have him but he has NO idea! I really think he believes deep down that he is the best that I could do.....WRONG BUDDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening....
Monica
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:48am

OKay. I know I don't know much about theis whole momy thing yet.. but what I can tell you is that they change everything! Counsiling is always a good idea, try the book Babyproofing your marriage. ALso in My Opinion.. there should be NO yelling or throwing of things in your house. You have a perfectly nice backyard to do that in. That's where me and my DH usually go to "talk".

You deserve to de-stress!!! The gym is a great outlet for all things! Good luck! Try and have a nice weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:55am
I think renewing the gym membership is a great idea, exercise is always a great release of stress. As for arguing in front of your child, don't do it anymore. Even if it is a tense argument, just tell your dh that you need to talk about it later while the child is sleeping or not around. Or bring him outside and yell at him, but don't do it in front of your daughter. Im guity of fighting in front of my son, he is 4 now and I really regret it. Im talking really bad arguments, yelling, screaming with my soon to be exhusband throwng things around and it's really bad for the child to see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 4:35pm

(((Hugs))) to you, Monica! I'm so sorry your DH finds the need to throw things to vent his frustration. That kind of behavior from a grown man really bothers me, and I don't think you should ever have to put up with it. You might want to point out that 2 year-olds throw things out of frustration, not adult men. It's really a turn-off!

It sounds like you both have some things to work out. I'm sorry you're struggling. I think counseling would be a great idea. Would he agree to go?

I think you ABSOLUTELY need some down time and away time, all to yourself. If the gym is a good release for you, by all means stick with it. I'm not one to exercise, and I hate exercising, so that's not my mode of personal pleasure; but if it works for you, I say go for it. Remember to be selfish yourself once in a while!

Why don't you try connecting romantically with him? Try a Date Night at home, where after Danielle is in bed, you spend some time just the 2 of you HAVING FUN. Then you might find, after you connect your hearts, that you want to connect your bodies, too. I think the 2 things go hand-in-hand. Keeping the romance alive is really important in a marriage, IMHO.

Another tip I have (not that I'm the fountain of wisdom, but here's something that seems to work for me): When you have something difficult or painful to discuss, wait until he's in a calm, relaxed mood. Love him up a bit. Then broach the subject.

Good luck to you! I hope you're just in a marrital funk, and that it passes soon!

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Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 8:25pm
Hi Monica I'm Jess,
I live in Vermont nad have two sons. My husband owns his own buisness and acts much like your husband. He's always turning stuff around on me and when I start to get down he says I have no reason to be. Hes always saying I don't allow him to expand but we haven't had steady work in 4 months. Our bills are backed up and it gets to me. I pay the bills and do all the paperwork mind you. Hes made 3 big purchases in the last year and were living in a one bedroom apt. Hes always saying how he does it all for us but I haven't seen the rewards yet. Another thing about him that really bothers me is hes always putting everyone down. The sad part is he doesn't even realize it. He has no friends and picks on all mine. Not in nice ways either. I know he has a good heart and does love us but I need me time too. I have always gotton up with both kids because I SAH and I nurse. He doesn't eralize how much of a commitment that is and how much money I'm saving him. I always feel whatever I do is not good enough. I know I'm not perfect either. I didn't have the best childhood and think part of this inadeqacy feeling comes from then. I went through a time when our sex life was nill but it has picked up. It doesn't seem to improve our communication though. I even suggested me going back part time and he won't let me. I can't make enough money and what about the kids? His mom will take care of them for free mind you. We've been together for 8 years. We trveled to Alaska together, Niagra Falls, and the bio-dome. His father is very impulsive with money and so is my husband so I just try to keep the balance the best I can but my hands are tied as far as incomes concerned. I guess you have to ask yourself if you've had more good times than bad and if the relationships worth fighting for. Only you can decide. My hubby and I go tinto a blowup a couple weeks ago and I asked him if we should leave and he got tears in his eyes. I love him so and am willing to fight as long as the love is still alive and my kids are happy and healthy. I wish you the best. You should go out an dget the gym mebership if he'll allow you to. It will be worth every penny to have that YOU time. I know I need it!!!
CHin up Monica theres always tomorrow Fellow mom and wife Jess
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:42pm

monica -

((((HuGS))))

I agree with the pp that a date night is really helpful. Every Saturday night after the kids go to bed dh and i have a "date". I am nursing baby right now, but when I put him down we will pop popcorn and watch a DVD - we might even have an "adult beverage". It is cheap, but ut has really made a difference in our relationship. Some weeks we make a dessert or have a late dinner (that we make).

Another thought on counseling - even if DH won't go with you it can be helpful for you to go alone. Also with my DH he was more willing to open up with a counselor because he felt less "threatened".

HTH!

Carol
SAHM to nursling Phillip (16 months)
and Jacob (8 years)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:49pm

My Heart goes out to you Monica!
I remember those days when my kiddos were little and clingy and I felt like someone was always touching me and I just wanted to be left alone. If it was not a child it was my husband. I just got to the point I would tell him just do it already so that I can go to bed. That would frustrate him immensely and make him grouchy too. Threw many hours of prayer and disappointment because my marriage was not the fairy tale that I dreamed it to be or even remotely what I had in mind when I married this man and was so in lust with him. I say lust because I didn't really know what love was at the time. I started to become bitter towards this man that I had pledged my love and my life too at the alter.

What happened why was there no more romance who is this person that I am married too. Then I started to pray. I do not know if you are a born again believer in Jesus Christ or what your situation is but I do know God is the great healer of broken marriages.

I began to pray that God would help me to love this man and that he would give me a passion for him that I use to have. Instead of always trying to find him a job or help him by trying to mother him which I really thought was a big help. I backed off and started making myself find something good in this man who had a temper, and tended to be lazy. Because in a mans mind if you are constantly trying to find a job for him or a place to live that is saying that you do not trust him. Try not to wound his spirit. I am not saying do not be concerned and try to help him but obviously he is taking this help in a wrong way so back off some. He is the provider let him do it and try no to complain. That is my hardest task it is so easy for me to want to control him wich does not go over well with my hubby. I really can't help you on that problem other than to say I will pray for you that God will provide a job for him and a home for your family.
Men see things differently than we do it is hard for us women to understand there ways but if you learn some of them your marriage will be what you want it to be. Here are some great guidlines that have helped my marriage after hours of talking to my husband and about what he needs.
1. He needs a friend. Men are not social like us girls they have a wife and family and that is there social life. They need you to be interested in what they do and just be there best friend more than even sex.
2. He needs to know that you believe in him. Men need there egos stroked a bit. It matters more to him that anyone else what you think of him. Find something good to say about him every day.
3. He needs sex by denying your husband sex you set him up to look for someone else who will give him sex. Not only does he need sex but sex is not as good for him if you do not enjoy it too. Chances are he really does want to please you in bed but you just may have to tell him what you want. I know it is a little weird but if you want to be seduced you have to teach him how to do it. Trust me it is well worth it. Sex should be just as enjoyable to you as it is to him. Surprise him one night and take him down. I occasionally will order stuff from www.book22.com or go to www.themarriagebed.com for ideas. Have fun with it! He will no only think more rationally if he is well satisfied but he will also be more willing to meet your needs too if you are a generous lover in return. he needs to know you desire him. Now I know that is hard to do when you want sex as about as much as you want to go to the dentist and have a root canal. Do some research on safe sits like I have listed above and learn something new to try that always spices things up. You both will appreciate something different sometimes. And you never now you might even find your self desiring him some too in the process.
4. He needs a haven to come home too. The world is hard enough out there without having a safe place to come home too. You are his haven of rest if he can not find peace in your home were will he turn?

I know that these are focusing on him I know you are tired and exhausted and feel very unappreciated right now chances are he feels the same way but does not know how to express it to you but threw anger. Instead of trying to change him change some of your actions and I guarantee that his actions will eventually change as a result of it. Some yelling and arguing is still better than no daddy at all for your child. Remember to always lift up your husband in front of your child show him the respect that he deserves and he will be more likely to show you respect too. I know this is hard and it will not happen over night but your marriage is worth saving and like it or not you are married to him till death do you part. That is a long time to live unhappy when you can fix it. I also suggest the book "Created to be his Help Meet" by Debi Pearl she has a really interesting take on the marriage relationship that I think can help you. Her web site is www.nogreaterjoy.org

You are not alone I know were you are and I know that my marriage was healed by just changing some of my attitude I now have a husband that is a very generous lover and my best friend. Try not to judge and when he walks threw that door say hello honey I love you. and keep saying it till you believe it. Remember marriage is not 50/50 it is 100/100. Also that you are uniquely qualified to make or break that man you are married to. As far as the gym I think that is great but if your budget is not able to handle it then try to find a free way to get out of the house and destress. I recommend a local MOPS group. That is mothers of preschoolers. It is wonderful it is usually a once a month to twice a month meeting for moms to let them meet other moms and talk and fellowship it is alot of fun. And in most cases you can bring your kiddos with you. You can search for a MOPS group at www.mops.org. My MOPS group really helped me to destress also. Hang in there it is not easy trying to be mommy, wife, lover, and maid. But there is hope there are options to save your marriage I hope this helps some. I can only say these things because I know what you are going threw and I had to make the decision to change myself. And wow the change was well worth it. I can now say after almost 9 years of marriage that I am madly in love with that hunk of a man that I married and praise God every day for sending me such a husband that I love more and more every day.
My heart goes out to you girl you can do this your marriage is worth saving!! Don't let your heart get bitter!
Rachel

www.blessedathomemom.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:12am

edited out...cause I can...


Monica, I will respond later.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 1:34pm
I just wanted to respond to one part of your post.....the sex part. If you are not giving your husband sex, there is a reason, a deeper reason than being too tired and not interested. This doesn't give him permission to see seek sex elsewhere. A man that does that is a very weak man that isn't making rational decisions. SO, you shouldnt feel forced to have sex with your husband in fear of him getting it somewhere else. I always thought I was "denying" my husband but now I know it was a deeper issue than I realized and it wasnt me. If you are continually treated like crap, called names, your husband is throwing things around, who would want to sleep with him?? Sorry I guess I disagree. I can type alot more, but Im really not in the mood to waste my energy. You can only change yourself, not others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:21pm

Hi ladies...
Thanks everyone for your advice. We are going to see a marriage counselor. I think its the best way is for us to talk it out and resolve things with an expert.
I also wanted to clarify, my husband and I have an awesome sex life, but it seems like we never ever have time to be intimate and when we do have the time or the opportunity Im too exausted. I work part time in the evenings.
My husband is no way physically abusive to me or my daughter, if he was I would leave him immediately. I just hate when he occasionally throws tantrums just like our daughter. Its a bad example for her and its also not talking it out. We only a blowout argument rarely, but its still wrong of him to act this way and its never ok to do it in front of Danielle.
Thanks for all of your advice and I will keep you all posted

Moni

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:02pm

I agree that you are the only one that can change yourself that is the main focus on most of my witting. And I agree totally that if my husband was throwing things at me and calling me bad names I would probably not sleep with him either. That hardly sets the mood for romance. And if it did I would worry about you. But I do think that occasionally we as women can also get to thinking that sex is a chore instead of pleasure. And that can cause problems too. We forget that we do have some power over the mood and feel of our homes by just the way we great him at the door. Now I do know that there are some men out there who are completely worthless and will treat you bad no matter how good you treat them. But the majority of men (or I hope the majority) will change or should change by how you treat them. You do not have any power to change your husband just the way you respond to him and the way you act to the way he treats you. I know it sounds like I am being incredibly hard on us women but as I stated before we are the only ones we can change. These ideas I have expressed first offended me too. They made me flat out mad. Then I decided to try them just to prove it wrong. And much to my surprise they worked I was shocked. And I do not tell these things lightly, only to try to save others some of the past mistakes that I have made. My heart breaks for women who are having a difficult marriage. And I do not pretend to understand the situation but I do know that God can change and heal any marriage if we are willing to try. And that marriage is worth saving.
As far as denying your husband sex. No he probably will not go off and seek sex with another women or at least you hope he will not. But do you want to set him up to want to lust after other women? Men do need sex occasionally it does not mean that they are perverted it is just a fact. Why put your husband in a situation to want to look if you can prevent it. I believe that once you are married to your husband you do not have the right to deprive him of sex unless it is for a time to draw closer to God. By the same token he has not power over his body to deny you. I see you have a cross by your name so I am assuming you are a Christian. Here is the scripture I get that from. "The wife hath not power of her own body but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer: and come together again, that Satan temp you not for your incontinency" I Chorinthians 7:4-5

Again not trying to be mean just wanting to share my heart, and what the Lord has done for my marriage by changing me.

www.blessedathomemom.com

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