can i handle it? is it as bad as i read?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
can i handle it? is it as bad as i read?
16
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:25am
hi, i'm new. i'm katrina.

i'd like to become a mom but i'm on my own in deciding. my family just seems afraid of me doing it b/c they say it's just so much sacrifice, etc. &

everything i read seems so NEGATIVE about child rearing.

i go to Barnes & Noble & read the baby parenting section books & it's all so much suffering by the moms. Geeeez! i'm scared out of trying to conceive now!!:(

i don't have close or many friends in our new area & i don't expect to have close personal friends w/ me when i go through this. dh works long hrs. (we can hire housecleaning help but i think it'll still be me as the mom doing it all every step of the way). is it really as bad as i read & hear?? 2 books i read today said everything i hear that's positive is a 'myth.'

i seem perfect for motherhood but what can i do to keep the suffering (postpartum depression, anxiety, stressing out, isolation, boredom?) to a minimum?

i have no one to guide me so you all are invaluable to me.

Thank you hugely! Kat
 Katrina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:47am

Hi Kat and welcome.


Well, I am up late because my 7 year old has a virus and can't sleep so he is watching the lion king with his

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:55am
Well, the decision to start a family is between you and your dh, bf, or so, not your family. I can see your family saying you are not ready yet, if you are very young, but you didn't mention that!

As far as the horrors we all heard about while ttc, and during pregnancy, they do not apply to every person, and EVERY pregnancy, labour, and child raising experience is as different as every child. That is one of the beautiful things about it imo!!!

I personally, was blessed with a very easy pregnancy, I was never sick once, I had a very fast labour & delivery, from start to finish it was 6 hours, med free, no complications. I was then blessed to have a very easy baby who slept through the night, didn't cry much, and is fairly easy temperment.

It very well could have been different, but it wasn't. There is no guarentee unfortunatly!!!

As far as your other concern..."what can i do to keep the suffering (postpartum depression, anxiety, stressing out, isolation, boredom?) to a minimum?" Again, not every woman feels these things. I never had postpartum depression, I only know 1 person who did. I know it is very common, but I only know personally the one person.

Stressing out can be resolved by educating yourself as much as possible about anything you have fears about, ie, if you are afraid of pain, learn about methods of relaxation or medication (Bradley method, breathing techinques, epidurals, non medicinal alternatives, etc)

Isolation, well, no one says you have to stay home with babe, you have an option to work, that is a decision you and your partner need to discuse. If you stay home, there are lots of playgroups, mommy & me type things you can join, and meet other moms & kids in your area.

As far as boredom, there are those days that do come up, but in my case, they far and few between!!!! There is just way too many things to do, between the cleaning, playing, taking care of dh, going to the park, shopping, visiting friends, there's not enough time in the day, but it's what I love!

Good luck on your decision!!! All the best to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:08am
First off, don't belive everything you read in books!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:51am

Welcome Kat!


Wow, you got some good advice here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:03pm
Don't let all the negative info out there scare you. Just like anything motherhood has it's ups and downs, but people only write about the downs because that's what you need help with. It's definately not easy, and there will be times that you yearn for your prebaby days, but it's so very worth it. I can't possibly describe how you'll feel when your child looks up at you and smiles or when they run to you for comfort. It's the greatest feeling ever. I have never imagined that I could love somebody so very much. Only you can decide for yourself if parenthood is something you're ready for. But it sounds like you've done your research and the desire is there. i have to say that for me, the greatest thing i've ever done in my life was having my son (and soon this next baby). Good luck with your choice. HTH.

Jen

Jake (8/29/03)

edd (2/28/05)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:40pm
Hi Katrina! I'm pretty new to this board too, but not new to being a sahm. I've been one for 7 years now. Hmm, where to start?

There have been lots of ups and downs for me over 7 years, lots of changes in myself, my children, my marriage, etc. My dh and I started our family pretty young by todays standards, 20. Everyone was VERY against it (especially MIL, told us my dh he was "ruining his life", nice huh?)

Looking back now, there is nothing I would have done different!! There have plenty of stressful moments - but I had those at work or at school too. The positive moments FAR outweigh the negative. I would not believe any book that says the positive things are a myth! That's insane!! Every parent knows the amazing, unexplainable joy when their baby first smiles, or takes those steps, or their toddler learns their alphabet or their 1st grader reads a whole book on their own. How can that be a myth?

So there is good, but yeah, there is bad too (like EVERYTHING in life)! I have experienced just about every negative you mentioned at some point or another. I had post partum depression twice. Its certainly not enjoyable, but if you know the signs and get yourself to your doctor, its totally treatable. Anxiety? Well yeah, of course when your baby is sick or hurt or you are just at a loss for how to handle a situation there will be anxiety. Its just one of the things you have to kind of roll with and get through. Isolation...that one I know well!! We live 500 miles from all our friends and family and my dh works 7am-7pm 5 days a week. I never had my mom to help me out or grandparents to baby sit. I didn't have friends to meet at the park and at one point it was over 2 years that my dh and I never had a night out without the kids! There is an easy way to minimize this though...join mothers groups!! When my son was 4 and my dd was 1 I found MOMS Club (Moms Offering Moms Support) They are a national organizaion with thousands of chapters (about 2,000 when I left, so probably more now!) around the country. They are for sahm's and they provide activities, playgroups, park days, crafts, charity projects for the community, book clubs, baby sitting co-ops, MOMS Night Out (my personal favorite!!) I ended becoming president of my local chapter...I have to say I was NEVER bored or isolated again! In fact there were days I had to unplug my phone to get a break because I was getting calls all day long! There are other groups as well, MOPS, Mothers and More, plus most churches have groups. Or there is Mommy and Me classes (usually through YMCA or local park and rec dept), My Gym, Gymboree. Or if you live in a small town that doesn't have a group yet, start one! My chapter of MOMS Club sponsored a few groups in other towns (basically donated the money to help them start and them were there for advise/suggestions/support) People were surprised just how many other moms there were out there who wanted to join something (once someone else started it LOL!) So yeah, I had days I was in tears, days I would literally scream "I NEED A VACATION", days I *thought* I couldn't do it anymore...but there is always something that happens that reminds me of why I am so lucky to be a mom, why it is truly the greatest honor in the world. Just last night when my 4 yr old was at jazz dance class I literally started crying watching her...she has had a hard time with a few steps in their routine, but she nailed them all yesterday and I was SO SO proud of her!


So I guess in the end the ultimate question for anyone with kids is, if you had the choice, knowing what you know now, would you do it again? I know I certainly would in a heart beat!



spring06sig2
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:31pm
Oh, it's so worth it!!!! It is hard, but the rewards more than make up for the bad days. What horrible books are you reading???

May I ask what area you live in?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:33pm
Your post is the most favorite thing I have read in a really long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:20am
it was both books by faulkner fox; naomi wolf; rebel housewives guide; girlfriends guide (both) & 'mother shock' (a big seller).

on amazon i avoided quite a few others w/ titles like "how motherhood undermines women' (which came up at the top of suggested lists on amazon).

'maternal desire' also offers a lot of negative viewpoints/ problems & offers no solutions or answers.

i feel like saying: don't overthink this or vent all the time, dear authors!.

i'm determined to be a mom & a lot of what everyone complains about seems trite in comparison to the wonder, joy & fulfillment of having one's child. that's often said but in a lot fewer words than all the complaints. i think our support boards are great for that venting but new mom books should not be so negative! there often supposed to be funny or 'honest' but highlighting the author's bad experiences are tiresome.

i live in so. cal.

thanks to everyone's thoughtful posts of joyful loving reassurement.

Jordan

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:29am
hi what a sweet super helpful, insightful note. thank you so much! i cut & pasted your tips & have them on my baby file.

i'll definitely work to keep mom & baby groups active in my area.

thanks!!

Jordan

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