Can someone help? Advice needed........

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Can someone help? Advice needed........
12
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:02pm

I know I don't get to post much, my life is kind of nuts right now! I really need some advice and I'm hoping that you ladies can help!

I do in home daycare for family friends. I have three siblings, a boy 10 months, and two girls ages 4 and 5. I have the baby Mon-Fri, the 4 yr old Tues-Thurs and every other Friday and the 5 yr old every Monday and every other Friday. I have no problems with the baby or 5 yr old however the 4 yr old is another story.

All three kids are spoiled. From what I've seen so far this school year the girls have always been allowed to rule the roost. They do what they want, when they want. They demand and they get. They really didn't do anything for themselves when I first started keeping them. Mom picked out their clothes, dressed them completely, brushed and fixed their hair and got them everything to eat or drink. Even now they don't get themselves anything to eat or drink and she still dresses them alot. They had no manners at all when they started coming here. I have to give mom credit, she's been really trying to make rules and stick with them. Although most of the rules only apply to the 5 yr old and so do most punishments. She has it in her head that 4 yr old is still a baby and treats her as such. 5 yr old will get in trouble for something then when 4 yr old does it, it's ok because "she's too little to understand!" NOT!

I've had problems with 4 yr old all school year(mom is a teacher). She is a very demanding child. She wants her way all the time. She wants constant attention from everyone. She should never be told no, never punished. She torments the other kids until she has them screaming. She lies. It's a constant, all day, hassle when she's here. I am supposed to give her attention CONSTANTLY. She has no reason to act bored because I've really gone out of my way to buy fun but educational toys. They have a huge dollhouse with dolls, horses, Legos and wooden blocks, dolls with tons of real baby clothes for them, a stroller and playpen for dolls, a cash register, TONS of arts and crafts supplies, etc. I do fun things with them like bake bread, decorate cupcakes, make holiday crafts, play tic tac toe, etc. And I talk with them constantly. I've never in my life seen kids who need and want SO much attention. They are so used to an adult constantly directing their play that they won't do it themselves. 4 yr old will stand in a room full of toys and say "I don't know what I want to do"! I have to put her to a task or she stands and stares at me.

Part of her problem is jealousy of the baby. But geez, he's almost 11 months old, it's time to move on isn't it? They don't get much time with Mom anymore. She works full time, they have sports three days a week, they spend weekends with grandparents or great grandparents, etc. Mom actually told me week before last "A thinks you are his mom and I'm just the babysitter who keeps him in the evenings and on weekends!" I think that's part of the problem, not enough of mom's attention. Mom will leave them with someone to do things, but she won't leave the baby and take just them.

It's gotten so bad that I really dread the days she's here. She torments the baby until he screams. I can tell her not to, punish her, etc. and she does it anyway! She can look you right in the eye and tell you the rules, then go break them! She has to copy everything sister does, and I mean EVERYTHING! I had them both Friday before last and it was a nightmare! If sister peed, she had to go too. If sister took a drink, she took a drink. If they colored she had to use the exact same crayon as sister. If they drew pictures she would sit and watch sister, then copy her's exactly. If sister blew her nose, she had to too. This went on for 9 very long hours! She had sister screaming before noon! I finally had to separate them and turn her with her back to her sister so she wouldn't copy the picture 5 yr old was drawing! It's gotten so bad that on Tuesdays she will demand to do whatever it was sister did here Monday. Yesterday sister had mashed potatoes and peas for lunch. I gave 4 yr old leftovers today and she demanded to know if sister stirred her peas into her potatoes so she could do it too! I worry about this alot. She has no idea how to function on her own. She is such a follower that I see her in alot of trouble as a teen! And poor sister has NO life at all! At home she's forced to give 4 yr old whatever she wants, share everything with her, let her go first in games, etc. If sister isn't here, she copies me all day. She repeats everything I say to the baby, even if she's sitting clear across the room. If I try to play with the baby she pushes in and takes over. I've tried giving her extra attention but it makes her behavior even worse.

She demands to eat CONSTANTLY! She will finish breakfast at her house right before we come here(I pick them up in the mornings) then as soon as I fix the baby something or fix myself breakfast, demand to eat again. Alot of times she demands something before we even get in the house! I'd never deny a hungry child something to eat, but I know she's NOT hungry! She usually waits until I start to eat to ask, no make that demand! If I tell her she can't have anything else she will stand and stare at me while I eat and say over and over and over"dont' you know I'm still hungry!" and she won't shut up until she gets something to eat. She's had two breakfasts and lunch today and 10 minutes after finishing a huge lunch said "now it's snack time!" Snack time is 3pm and she's asked me for snack 5 times in the last hour!

There is no ignoring her either. She will say the same thing over and over and over for an hour until you finally answer her or tell her to stop. She will sit and repeat the baby's name over and over in this high pitched voice until I just want to scream! She takes toys away from him until he screams. She is very rough with him, holding onto him until he screams, putting her hair in his face and shaking her head until he screams, etc.

She even torments my kids and they are 11 and almost 15 LOL. If dd is sitting on the couch eating a granola bar she will climb right up on top of her and say over and over and over "I like granola bars too". She will demand that my ds give her his toys, etc.

I will have the summer off from the kids and I'm trying to decide if I want to take them on again next year. The oldest will be in school full time. I will have the baby full time and the 4 yr old on Monday and Friday. I want to take them, I just don't know if my nerves can handle her another year. And I can't imagine what she will be like after a whole summer off from me! How do I help her adjust to the baby and behave better? I've tried everything.....explaining the rules, standing her in the corner, extra attention, etc. NOTHING works! And it's hard when the same rules don't apply at home.

Do any of you have a demanding child like this?? How do you handle it? Even if you don't have a child like this, do you have any suggestions for me? I can not and will NOT devote 8+ hours a day to giving her my undivided attention. I just can't do it. I worry about her and how she will be once she starts school 3 days a week next year. She's going to have such a hard time fitting in and I worry what she might do that someone suggests!

Sherri

Sherri ~ mom to Brooke and Tyler, wife to Randall and fan of Nascar's Carl Edwards

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:58am

LOL I dont't think picking out their clothes or controlling what they eat is spoiling kids. Mine are 11 and almost 15 and I still control what they eat. And with d/c kids, I am the one having to control what and when she eats, not mom.

The spoiled part with the clothing isn't her picking them out for the girls. It's the fact that both the girls(4 and 5 years old) will scream, cry and beg for her to completely dress them. They will refuse to do it themselves and she is on a time limit in mornings. They can both pick out and match colors, they can completely dress themselves including buttons, zipper,etc. and they can both tie their shoes!

Thanks for your post!
Sherri

Sherri ~ mom to Brooke and Tyler, wife to Randall and fan of Nascar's Carl Edwards

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:08pm

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate you taking time to read my long, rambling post and answering it.

I do want to say that I'm not wanting or trying to change her homelife or how she behaves when she isn't here. I tell both girls all the time that rules are different everywhere and when they are here they have to follow my rules. I was just looking for ways to make her feel more secure I guess so that she wouldn't feel the need to smother the baby and get in trouble.

Thanks again!
Sherri

Sherri ~ mom to Brooke and Tyler, wife to Randall and fan of Nascar's Carl Edwards

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