Deciding to be a stay at home mom - HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Deciding to be a stay at home mom - HELP
16
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:39am
First I must say that I feel so very fortunate just to have the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter Samantha (9 months). Therefore, I feel like a real whiner as I try and rack my brain about what to do. I wondered if I could consult some of you experts for advice. I'm so scared to make the wrong decision. Here is a little background.

Samantha has been sick ever since she started daycare. She seems to really like the interactivity with other kids though. Even though I'm only working 20 hours a week right now, it seems like I can't keep up with everything there is to do. I seem to get burned out easily. I'm also scared that I may get burned out hanging with my daughter if I was a full time mom too though! We live in the foothills of Colorado. I have always worked in the past and I tend to be a bit shy. I'm scared of so much, loosing my identity, friends, respect, money, control of money, sense of accomplishment, etc. I've never been without a paycheck and contributing.

I don't know where to start or what to ask really. It feels like such a huge decision, but shouldn't I just jump at the chance to quit work. AHHH. I would like to think I have time to make up my mind, but my husband wants us to figure this out this weekend while we are planning around benefits for next year. We've talked back and forth about it. Now we need to decide. AHHH Panic . . help help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 1:49pm
Hi,

I don't have advice for you, I am in the same boat. Deciding this weekend whether to be a SAHM or not....I think I am going to do it for her 1st year. My DD is 6 weeks old, and I am having a hard time with the thought of handing her over to a stranger to watch her. I know everyone else does it but it's just not me.

Best wishes for you this weekend as you make your choice.

I am anxious to see what other mom's say about the SAHM choice...

Kari and Anna born 9/26
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 3:37pm
Hi. I also have a 9 month old (and a 7-year-old and a 4 1/2-year-old). I have also been fortunate enough to stay home and have loved it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It's been the most important decision of my life and the most rewarding!!! I wish I could tell you to stay home but I know you have to decide for yourself. It's an individual decision.

Could you try it for a year? You could always get another job if it turns out you feel you need the socialization. Maybe you could join a playgroup in your area. I've been in one since my 7-year-old was 6 weeks!

I hope you figure out what you want to do. I just have to say that I have really enjoyed being with my children and wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck with your decision.

Molly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 3:39pm
Sounds like a tough decision for you. Personally I didn't think twice when the opp arose. However, my daughter, Alexis (5mos) was sick the whole two months that she was in daycare. It started 3 days after she started and she didn't get better for about two weeks after she quit and with the help of antibiotics.

Sometimes I worry about losing my identity and stuff, but then I think I am gaining my identity as Alexis's mom and I feel like I am being a better mom, wife and homemaker. Before when I was working I had no energy to do anything after work except maybe call Pizza Hut...lol.

HTH

Julie

Alexis 5/21/04

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                     &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 5:15pm
Personally, I couldn't do it. I stayed home without working at all after DD was born (12-20-2003) and really didn't enjoy it. We had just lived here about 6 months so I didn't know a lot of people, my DD is a handful and my DH travels extensively. More than once I found myself only talking to children for days on end. So, I jumped at the chance to teach 1 class at the local college. I'm gone MW mornings only, DH's schedule is such that he watches Ian on Wed. and I hire a college sitter M mornings. It's just enough "me" time to make it work.

Now, keep in mind that my situation is different from a lot of people-I know from talking to other SAHM's that people try to establish their own space in a lot of ways. Because my DH is a workaholic-I do all my shopping with children, I cannot scrapbook or meet with MOM's club for nights out because we don't have the funds for sitters (without me working) and DH is so rarely home that when he is I want us to all be together. So, for me-I work out at the gym which I like O.K. but it's not really a me thing and I teach.

what do you do? How fulfilling do you find it?

Taleyna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:17pm
I found an interesting article on the subject on the Today's Parent website:

http://www.todaysparent.com/lifeasparent/workfinance/article.jsp?content=20040601_105421_4200&page=1

I stay at home with my one year old and enjoy it and feel it's worthwhile in the long run. I think it can be somewhat isolating -- I've never been much of a joiner and although I've looked for mothers' groups I seem to be a bit shy about joining for some reason. If you have some friends or family nearby so you can stay sociable and busy or if you can join some kind of playgroup, that should be helpful in not getting burned out too easily.

You may be giving up a paycheck but you're not giving up working, in my opinion. Being a parent is hard work, whether you stay at home or not. For right now, parenting IS my job and I take the responsibility of raising a good person and putting forth the effort very seriously - as seriously as I took the work when I had outside jobs. I consider it an investment in my child's future and haven't lost a sense of accomplishment that I had with outside jobs. There just isn't a lot of "immediate gratification."

As far as control of money and contributing, that doesn't bother me even though I have always had worked. I feel that my contribution to the household is in raising our child, not just providing money. If your husband feels that your not bringing home a paycheck doesn't mean you're not contributing then that's great.

If you can afford to do it, I'd say at least give it a try. If you decide it isn't for you, then maybe you can go back to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:38pm
First off, no matter what choice you make, it will be the best for you all.
The only thing I can suggest is to look at the pros and cons of quitting work or staying home.
No matter the outcome, I am sure you will only do what is best for your dd and you.
Good luck, and welcome to the board.


Lilypie Baby Days



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:42pm
Hello - first of all, let me say that this is a HUGE decision - you and your husband are wise to really discuss it so that you can come up with a solution that you both agree on.

IF you decide to stay home, let me warn you that it is a TOUGH adjustment! (At least it was for me.) You are absolutely right about feeling like you've lost your identity. But what I found was that I hadn't lost my identity - it just changed. I was so lonely and bored the first few months that I was home - I thought that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. But I just needed time to adjust and find my place in this new little world of mine. What saved me was finding some new SAHM friends - and you will have to do this or you will lose your mind. Join a playgroup, go to the park and meet neighborhood moms, go to storytime at the library - anything that you can do to get out of the house and meet other women who are in the same boat as you. Once I had done that and had kind of worked out a little schedule for me and my kids, then I began to love my new identity as My Kids' Mom. I'm sure that you will too.

You'll also need to find at least one thing that you can do for yourself - like the other poster said, it might be working out (I do that too). Or it might be joining a Book Club, or taking up a hobby like scrapbooking. You need something that will allow you to get away for a little bit and focus on yourself.

I hope that you and your husband are able to come up with a decision that you both feel good about. Staying at home is the most wonderful thing that I have ever decided to do, but it is not easy! Good luck - and keep us posted!

Paige (mom to Harper 7, John 5, and Gib 4)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:48pm
Hi - I am just a few weeks ahead of you in this decision, so maybe my thougths can help - hope so! My "going-away" party at work was yesterday. Our daughter was born in July and I had planned to go back to my job (as an attorney), but when it came right down to it, I just couldn't do it. We had practically hired a nanny and everything. As one other poster said, the immediate adjustment has been harder than I thought -- packing up my office, saying goodbye to people, etc. felt really sad and a very strange. But it vanishes the moment I get that gummy grin. Like you, I tend to be shy and a bit of a loner, and am definitely going to have to set up a system for making sure I get out and spend some time doing something for me. What I did to help make a decision was to pretend like I'd made the decision to stay at work -- sounds like you don't need to do that since you're back at work. But I interviewed nanny's, began pumping breast milk on a schedule, etc. and really tried to embrance that decision for several weeks. Then I switched and pretended I was going to be home permanently - looked into playgroups, etc. Once I did that, the decision was easier. I'm wondering whether the benefits decision is really a deadline you need to meet (?) -- we just switched me to my husband's insurance and it was easier than I thought - even though we weren't in an open enrollment period at work. You might check into whether that's really a hurdle, or if it just seems convenient. If you don't have to decide right now, may be you could "pretend" like I did. I hope that helps a little . . . Good luck with your decision - it's a hard one!

Tina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:00pm
Hi!

Deciding to be a stay at home mom is a very difficult choice. It is definantely an adjustment, financially and emotionally, and it will take some time getting use to. I was 21 years old when I had my baby and he's 26 months old and I have been home with him ever since and I absolutely love it. I couldnt imagine not spending the whole day without him, we have SOO much fun! I would just keep very busy, going to the library, enrolling in mommy and me classes, going to the park, etc...Children grow up soo fast, you have the rest of your life to work :)

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 12:11am
I think it's awesome that you and your husband are discussing this and coming up with a solution TOGETHER! Communication is a wonderful thing (that's what I tell my DH all the time when he's "communication challenged".)

My boys are 8 and 11....but I know how you are feeling "pulled" from different directions. For years I was the bread-winner in our family and I put in tons of hours doing so. I remember days when I would only see my boys before they woke up in the morning (still snug in their bed) and wouldn't be home until after they were back in bed for the night. I missed a lot of firsts with them but didn't know how to change my circumstances. Long story short.....my gut feeling told me to leave corporate America behind and be the mom to my boys that they deserved. Oh my!!! I thought I was going to go nuts when I became a full time stay at home mom. That sounds horrible, I know, but it's true. I felt so isolated from adults and adult conversation. That's when I decided to work at home a bit....in my spare time between loads of laundry and cooking meals. By doing that, I've met people I normally wouldn't have met and made wonderful friendships.

I guess the moral of my post is this: do what feels right for you and your family. No one knows your situation better than yourself. There are so many things you can do to fill that void of "loosing my identity, friends, respect, money, control of money, sense of accomplishment". Honestly there is! Kudos to you for asking for advise. I know you'll make the right decision for you and your family.

Diane

http://diane.moms-sos.com

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