DH says, "ok" to SAHM, & now I'm scared!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
DH says, "ok" to SAHM, & now I'm scared!
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Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:23pm

Hi ladies...
I'm new here. I am popping in from the December 2006 EC club. I recently had a baby girl, Ava, on December 13th and she has completely changed me!!! I posted this on the other message board, and thought I would post it here too and see what you all have to say...Sorry this is long...

Ok, so yesterday we had friends of our stop over with their 3 kids!! (That's another post)...And we're talking to them about the fact that I am really upset about going back to work and how badly I want to stay home. I go on to say that I'm not sure how we would do it financially, etc. The wife, Kesha, says to us that it's hard, but we can make it work. She says that she stayed home with her two daughters, not her son. She said it would all work out somehow. Everyone is scared to lose one income, but it will be ok. I think DH needed to hear that because now he is saying that he will go over all of our bills and see if we can actually make it work. He wants to refinance the house and we can possibly take our tax money to help with the bills. I think we get a good amount back this year because of Ava???

Now, here is my concern. For the past few weeks, I have really been upset about going back to work. DH would have agreed to it, but he wasn't really "encouraging" me to stay home. So, I was upset about that. I think he wanted me to go back because of the money. BUT, now that he seems to agree to have me stay home (after all that Kesha said), now I'm scared too stay home. Does that make sense? The main reason I'm scared now is because I would be giving up my full time job/position and if I ever go back to the County, then I would start off on the bottom again. I currently work for children services. I am the School Liaison there, so I no longer do the investigations like I used too. I simply train people in the community about child abuse. Also, there is a supervisor position coming up in the future and I really think I would have a good chance at getting it. If I give that up, who knows when that would be available again.

BUT, like I said, I have been crying for the past few weeks because I want to stay home with Ava SOO badly...I don't want to take her to daycare. I guess because I miscarried, it really put the "miracle of life" into perspective for me and I just want to be the one to care for her. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about going back to work. I don't ever want to regret that I didn't stay home with her. I have a feeling that later on down the road, I would have regrets for going back to work. That being said, I am so scared to give up my job. I am trying to look at both sides. If I go back to work, we won't have the money issue and I would probably get the supervisor position. If I don't, the money will be tight and who knows what job I will get in a year or so...Before yesterday, DH was saying, "look at the big picture...she won't be little forever and by you going back to work, you're preparing for her future (financially).", So, am I missing the big picture? I 'm so confused, can you tell? :)

If you read this far, thanks for listening...
Amy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006

I think your husband is the one missing the "big picture". She won't be little forever, and she'll grow up. Your career will still be there five years from now whe she starts full day school. Her most formative years (birth-3) won't. You'll never get back this oppertunity. You'll be able to get back your job, and you'll be able to progress again. You won't be able to make up for abandoning her to someone elses care full time. By you going back to work and sticking her with strangers in daycare, you aren't "preparing for her future" in any way that can't be put off until she is in school all day. All it does is seperate you from her.


It's completely understandable to be nervous. It's a lifestyle change, and since it's unknown it's sort of scary. But it is oh so worth it. Your friend Kesha is right, if you want it bad enough you'll make it work. Staying home, the ability to do so isn't based on luck. I get so annoyed at people who tell me "you're so lucky to get to stay home" as in wishing they could do it too. What a load of crap! Luck has nothing to do with it. It's not something randomly bestowed apon me and not them. It's a lot of work to be a full time hands on SAHM and I earn every minute of it. It's a sacrifice and a struggle at times, it's a blessing and an incredible gift to me and our children all of the time. It is done because I constantly have the "big picture" in mind. That young children can't be bought. They'd rather have mommy than money.


I hope you do decide to stay home and that you continue to post here. It's a great place for encouragement and support (lol, not all by rabidly passionate SAHMommies such as myself) and the ladies here are so nice and caring.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003

First of all congrats on your baby! I, too, had these same issues after my son was born. I was planning my whole pregnancy to return to work and as soon as I saw him and held him in my arms I just knew I couldn't leave him with anyone else. I think he really benefited from having me home, even though I went back to work when he was six months old (I recently quit to stay home again). And I think its true that more people regret not staying home with their kids rather than not going back to work. My previous manager had three kids and she's told me that she regrets not being home with them and if she could go back and do it again she would have.


Financially it can be difficult to be a SAHM. You'll have to pull in the reigns on spending, eat out less, budget, budget, budget! Sock away as much money as possible into savings because you never know what might pop up and you don't want to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006

Hi Amy,


Would it be possible for you to just work one or two days a week?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
If you really felt like you wanted to be home with Ava, then do everything you can to make it happen. With my first two kids I didn't have a clue, and I really think back then we couldn't do it without my income. I worked too many hours though and missed so much. My 2nd child was born 7 weeks premature, and I still went back to work after he was born! Stupid me!! He actually had some problems, and when he was about 18 months old we finally got the diagnosis of cerebral palsy. He also had a hearing loss. He had lots of therapy, from speech therapy to physical therapy. There were days that I just cried in the car....when I was at work I felt like I should be home, when I was home I felt like I should be at work! I worked on commission, so I had some flexibility, but I was so conflicted. I finally made the decision to quit and stay home. Then later I decided I wanted to work part-time and was going to work retail....until I ran into a friend of mine that told me about a job working with the school district....with parents of special needs infants and toddlers! The day I interviewed for that job, I found out I was pregnant with our "better do it now, not later" baby, I was feeling old...LOL...
I worked 15 hours a week, didn't really make too much money, paying for child care, but the connections I made were priceless. Being home with Nicholas made me realize what I missed with the other two. He's so much more cuddly than my other two. I quit that job too after awhile, Taylor, my son with CP, was getting ready to transistion to junior high, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy. A few years later, I went back to work....lol...again. This time in the kitchen at the school district, not the most glamorous job, but the hours were right, I got home before the kids did. Ok, sorry, this sounds like a soap opera, but it really is my life...LOL...Eventually Taylor needed me home again, and I took a leave from the kitchen. Well...I really don't want to go back. I like being home, and I sure don't miss that awful heavy mop!!
Anyway, I'm working at home now with my own business, praying that I don't need to go back to the kitchen.
Maybe part of what you fear is just the "decision" that you need to make! Just remember, life is short, we are never guaranteed one more day, make the most of it while you are here!! And no decision is ever permanent, you can find another job, you have the skills and the education!!
Best of Luck to your family!!! She's adorable by the way!
Cathy
**Making A Difference**Changing Lives**
www.momwithamission.com
Avatar for irishjeanne
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003

Hi! Congratulations on your baby girl!

I have worked PT for 5 years, and I have never regretted it. I feel so blessed to have spent time with my kids when they were little. My friends who work FT seem to miss alot! Now, with #3, I am just becoming more unhappy with even working PT. DH and I just talked about it, and he agreed I should stay home FT. We are going to move into a smaller house. I couldn't believe he suggested it, but we think we can make it work. Like you, I am scared, but ready to take the plunge.

I, too, will be giving up a good position...I make a lot of $ doing something I love, but I know that I can always work, but my kids will be small for such a short time! I plan on going back to work when my youngest goes to school in 4 years. 4 years is really a drop in the bucket, KWIM?

Good luck with your decision. \
Jeanne
Mom to Hayden b4/8/01, Owen b7/18/03, and Kate b2/17/06

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006

Thank you so much ladies for your input. You all made really good points. You all are right in saying that she will only be this young for a short time. I don't ever want to regret that I didn't stay home with her. I guess I am just really scared about the decision (like one of you said) and I am scared that we won't have enough money to pay the bills. We have a good amount in our savings and fortunately my DH is the type of person to "do what he's gotta do", so I know that we will never really be without, but it still scares me to lose my income. Well, we'll see. DH is going to look at our bills, refinance the house and make sure we can make it work.

Thanks again ladies...

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Congrats and your baby is beautiful. Jobs will always be there, but your daughter will grow up fast. I suggest you really sit down and crunch the numbers to see what it is like. Remember too you will be saving by no daycare costs, outside food for work, clothing, gas, wear and tear on the car, less taxes, less stress trying to get out the door, don't worry if she is sick and laving to miss work, etc. I was actaully losing money by working so for us it worked out perfect. I love being home fulltime. We actually save more money by me being home. It will take some time to adjust, but go with your heart. No amount of money is worth it if you aren't going to be happy. Trish :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
We made the decision for me to stay home 6 and a half years ago. It was scary although for me the transition was easier because my position at the hospital where I worked was cut to part time while I was pregnant. Things are tight but we get by ok. We don't take vacations and my clothes are hand-me-downs but I do not regret my decision to stay at home. After the first year I had trouble feeling like I had value. I lost touch with my work friends and my world seemd very small. It is a big adjustment, but well worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006

Thanks Trish. You made a really good point..."no amount of money is worth it if I'm not happy". That's very true!! DH is just worried that I will feel like I don't do much, I don't get out much, etc. He says that he wants me to have some type of outlet, so I need to figure out what that "outlet" will be. We are still trying to decide if I will stay home, but it seems like that is the direction we are going. Thanks again for your input.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007

If you can possibly make it work financially, stay home. There are many options if you have to have extra $. I work from home. I love it. I think we could make it without the $, but I feel like I am making a contribution. That was the biggest issue for me. I wanted to help financially. I felt guilty every time I spent $ on myself before. I guess that comes from being single for a long time and supporting myself. My husband is very supportive and loves my being home. Working from home also keeps me in work mode and I have met a great group of ladies who are my support team. I have made many friends. I don't always know their faces. I think I would recognize the voices anywhere though. I get great advice and support from them.

Moya

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